


Under The Waterfall of Shooting Stars

by NuriaSchnee



Series: Under Series [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Dorks being EVEN MORE DORKS, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, Honeymoon, Jealousy, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Sexual Content, Viktor's past, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-11-11 11:26:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 82,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11147451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuriaSchnee/pseuds/NuriaSchnee
Summary: Yuuri and Viktor are finally living happily together in St Petersburg. However, Yuuri finds soon that the life Viktor had before still haunts him.A person from his past appears and triggers all the demons in Viktor’s mind.





	1. And you're the one I trust (our love is the real thing)

He was so stunning in the morning that it hurt.

It hurt the fact that the ocean that were his eyes shined with such vitality at the sunlight. It hurt that the smile he always gave me was so sweetly perfect. It hurt that he walked through the house shirtless and with his hair tangled like he ignored his own beauty. It hurt that even sleepy could have melted me with his intense gaze.

It hurt.

But I was pleasantly surrendering to that pain, accepting and treasuring it, because being able to witness that image everyday was my miracle.

I couldn’t avoid smiling back when he appeared at the kitchen with that kind of aspect that took my breath away. He got close, placing himself right behind me, hugging and giving me the usual good morning kiss. Taking advantage from the embrace, he bitted my ear and put another kiss in my neck. I laughed, shaken by a sweet shiver.

“Vitya!” I exclaimed, trying to let go of him, in vain.

“It’s my revenge for not waking me up. You know I hate to do it alone.” he said moaning, and bitted me again.

“Okay! _I am sorry_! But stop, please!” I squirmed, finally setting me free.

Viktor made a pleased laughter and went to sit at the table. I served coffee on a mug and sat by his side, offering it to him. While Viktor was taking the first sip I focused on his face, noticing that seemed more rested than usual.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yes.” I affirmed, gently.

The last months had been a truly madness. When the season ended in April, uncertainty hit us. I asked Viktor to continue being my coach, but at the same time he was returning as a competitor too, whereby he had to go back to train with Yakov. If we wanted to carry on with our plans, we had to find a way of to combine both things. And there was only one way to do it.

When Viktor proposed me to move in with him in his apartment in Saint Petersburg I admit I panicked. That proposal went far beyond of what our professional careers demanded. The petition had intrinsic the compromise that supposed living together. Perhaps we had lived under the same roof for months, but that was definitely different.

And maybe my reaction was excessive, because there was nothing weird in living together being engaged. But in my head the months we had passed side by side still were like a dream. Viktor had been a constant in my life for a long time, but only as an idol. And because of that, from the moment I found him bathing in the hot springs in my house to the Grand Prix final in Barcelona, it seemed pure oneiric. So that chance actually felt like the confirmation of what was between us was as real as the gravity and I found myself instantly wishing so much that life with him —but _so much_ —, more than I could wish anything else.

And that was the reason I was afraid. I wished it that much that I was terrified the things could go wrong once we shared home. Viktor knew my flaws, and still loved me, but my insecurity continued imposing. What if he got tired of me one day? What if at some point he no longer found me special? A terrible quantity of “what ifs” was piling in my head.

Then, a few seconds after his proposal and having meditated about it, I stared at him. I drowned in the hopeful look that Viktor was offering me, full of promises and love, and I knew I had nothing to worry about. My response left from between my teeth almost for instinct.

And even so it had been a hard decision. I had to leave behind my home, my family and friends. When I returned from Detroit, staying there for a while had made me remember how comfortable I was in Hasetsu, so say goodbye for second time was terrible. In addition, I fully put myself in a foreign country, which language I barely knew a couple macaronic sentences that didn’t serve for too much. I kept my thoughts full of Viktor during the move process. I had to maintain me thinking what I was doing would have recompense, that which I was so anxious about: being with him.

So there we were after all: together, building day by day our life, a future, our own world. And I couldn’t find me happier.

And not everything was easy, of course. Cohabitation was not always perfect, and there was a lot to learn about each other still, but usually we solved our differences without many trouble.

All the worries I could have had were vanished; nevertheless, a one new had appeared a couple weeks ago.

I was aware that the effort Viktor was making being coach and competitor at the same time was devastating; his body was truly on the edge. He usually didn't sleep well, was coming back home completely shattered and hardly ate properly. I was doing my best trying to help, but not being able to make much was frustrating.

“I’m glad” I expressed almost like a whisper.

Inside I felt in part guilty. If weren’t for me he wouldn't have had to worry for two things simultaneously and having the agenda so full that he hadn’t a moment to breath. Because of that, my free time —and I hadn't a lot either— was spent to have the house in order, take care of Makkachin and help Viktor in whatever he needed.

I missed the first two weeks after we moved in together too. We knew that our time of rest wouldn’t be much, so we made the most of it. We spent those days taking walks —usually by the Nevá—, having large conversations while meals, enjoying naps in the sofa or the nights tangled in the sheets. But the real world hit us soon. At mid-May we had to organize ourselves and start the training. And because of it, nearly a month from then, we barely had time for us, for not to say any. Therefore, I tried to enjoy the vision of Viktor in brief instants like that to the max.

Viktor directed a mocking look to me, causing his hair to fall slightly over his eyes, hypnotizing.

“I’m fine. You don’t have to worry.”

I responded with a twisted face. I could not help it and he knew. Viktor raised his hand to place it in my cheek, moving his thumb on my skin in tiny caresses.

“You’re hopeless.” he released a little laughter.

His contact made me close my eyes and free a sigh. Soon I had his lips pressed on mine again. The unexpected profundity of the kiss overwhelmed me, and I had to grip hard the chair edge to avoid jumping onto him. Sometimes neither I was able to understand how I could love him so intensely, desire him so desperately.

Viktor separate himself a few centimeters, killing me a bit for breaking the contact. I half opened my eyelids, searching by instinct the blue in his look.

“God, Yuuri… I miss you so much.” he placed his forehead on mine, this time being him who closed his eyes, too hard, a grimace crossing his features.

I took a deep breath. How could I keep being strong being him my great weakness? Only trying, clumsily and ignoring how much inside I was clamoring for Viktor. Having the two of us complaining about how hard was maintaining that pace wasn’t helpful.

“Soon we’ll find time for us. I’m sure.”

I tried to sound convinced, and did it… More or less. Deep down I knew it was not true but I didn't want Viktor to be downcast about it.

“I hope you’re right because if not I’ll have an attack.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“I don’t.” his voice sounded deeper than usual. “ _I need you_.”

These words caused a tremendous cramp of desire cross my belly. I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted much more. I wanted to do it until wear him away, but I knew if I let myself succumb to my thirst of him it would betray me and, seeing how Viktor was, he would fall as easily as me. And he had practice in less than an hour.

“We have to go.” I said with difficulty.

“Now?” he made a pout.

“Yes” I laughed due to his childlike expression.

I stood up after putting a fast kiss in his forehead, picking up the mugs and taking them to the dishwasher, in part escaping from him. I took a moment to breathe, recovering. And when I turned back I found Viktor lying upon the surface of the table.

“I do not want.” he protested. “I want to stay here with you. Can I skip practice today?”

“No. You can’t. Fit your practices with mine has been hell, and since Yakov accepted to be flexible with that, we can’t throw it overboard. Besides, I have class too.”

He uttered a grunt and I tilted my head to the sides. Refusing was too hard. There was nothing I felt more like than being with Viktor, and more with the little time we could spend together lately, but we had to follow as planned or we wouldn’t accomplish our hours of training.

“Vitya, come on.” but my plea was not replied.

I would have to take drastic measures. Moving closer to him, putting my body on his back, pressing against it, placing my face at the level of his head with my lips near his ear.

“I promise to find time for us” I whispered, at the time I put a lock of his hair behind of it with softness. “but in return you have to stand up, _Vitya_.”

The reaction was immediate. Foresighted, I moved away in time before Viktor straightened, shaken and with a certain blush in the features.

“That’s cruel!” his pupils had expanded, probably remembering the moments for which I reserved that voice tone.

I smiled faintly at the image of Viktor blushing and complaining. _That_. That was the man I truly loved with all of me.

“I love you.” was the only I could say, but did not express even a bit of how I truly felt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The morning wasn’t going as I had organized it. In order to fill the moments in which Viktor had practice I joined a class of Pole Dancing. I had learned before and I was good at it, besides it worked like a part of the training. But, when I arrived at the dance academy, they told me that the teacher couldn’t make it that day. So I had to opt for the plan B I had for that type of situations.

I returned home to pick up my skates, a few more things and then I headed towards the rink where we were training. Once there, I dressed at the locker room and went to the ice. And there was Viktor, as astonishing as always. When I saw him skating I forgot how much we were sacrificing. And every time was like the first: absorbing me with his movements, chained to him, being unable to perceive nothing else. But now I was seeing it with a new perspective. For years I saw dance an extol Viktor, perfect, untouchable, but not anymore. Now I was witnessing the man, one that could seem a god —and that was undeniable— but real anyway, with his sudden childish moods and happy unconsciousness of how truly things worked sometimes. And I felt lucky to know the human part of Viktor, his flaws and his virtues when he was off the rink, and I was definitely surrendered to that side.

He was so focused that I could not help silly smiling. I loved that expression in his face. I watched him sliding and jumping perfectly, under the no-listened indications of Yakov, while stretching. Eventually, I ended backed in the fence, doing nothing but watch him, asking me internally how I had the luck to end engaged with him.

“Yuuri!”

A pair of arms interlaced around my neck and a body hit my back. Returned to the reality by force, I held myself on the edge of the fence more firmly to avoid bending and fall forwards because of the weight. Immediately, I knew who just crashed on me.

“Mila!” I protested with a moan.

“I see you’re enjoying the views.” she laughed.

I blushed. Maybe I had been staring more than thought. When Mila released me, I could turn myself to see her. She wore her usual black clothes for skating, and had her reddish hair loose. Since I started training there Mila was one of the persons I best got along. When I was a little crestfallen and the daily routine burdened me, she always knew how to make me laugh, which I was so grateful about.

“I thought you wouldn’t come today.”

“At first, I wasn’t going to. But my Pole Dancing teacher is sick and couldn’t make the class today so…” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, if your intention is to make the most of the morning” she said while taking off the protectors from the skates and entering the ice. “you better do something more than just stare at your fiancé.”

She guffawed at my raising embarrassment.

“Are you coming?” Mila made an inviting gesture with the head.

I nodded and the two of us entered the rink, each one taking our own way. I skated by the limits, trying to not invade the space of those who had practice, making some little jumps if I had the chance. Eventually bored, I stopped and watched Viktor dance. Because of that, I wasn’t aware of the sound of the skates dragging near until their owner collided against me, throwing me to the floor.

I howled because of the hit of being bowled over, but I sat instantly. It hadn't been a tough one, and I was sure that would hardly leave any bruises.

“Sorry!” the person exclaimed in a deep voice, full of culpability. “Are you okay?”

I looked above. The first I perceived was the extended hand inviting to be grabbed. In front of me there was a tall man, with brown hair leashed on a little ponytail. His sharped and absorbing eyes expressed true worry, and the sadden way he wrinkled the nose made his attractive more striking. He wore a tight sports clothing that made clearly visible his excellent physic form, marking the width of the back and the force of the arms.

I nodded, taking his hand and he helped me standing up. As well as was back on my feet I could analyze my state better. Yes, I was definitely perfect. It hadn’t been anything.

“You are Yuuri Katsuki, right?” his look turned curious suddenly, overwhelming me.

“Yes.” I stuttered.

“Oh, damn!” he made a grimace. “Good thing I didn’t hurt you. I would have felt bad for centuries.”

“Don’t worry. I shouldn’t have been standing here.” I apologized, ashamed, because half part of the fault of the collision was mine too.

We stared at each other fixedly in silence, and I felt a tremendous embarrassment for being under the weird intensity in the pupils of the man.

“God, I’m so sorry.” he placed his hand in the face, covering it. “I’m making a bad impression. I haven’t even introduced myself yet. I’m Iván Nóvikov.”

He took down the hand and offered it to me again, this time in a cordial gesture.

“I didn’t want to seem intrusive, but I was so excited for meeting you and first conversations are not my thing.”

I recognized his name instantly. I remembered hearing about him. He was a skater too, but he competed in pair skating. If I wasn’t wrong he and his partner were one of the best couples at present, carrying a good amount of titles.

“It’s fine.” I said, accepting his gesture with a bit of residual shock. “I’ve heard speak well about you.”

“You did? Wow!” he seemed satisfied. “Good to know. But nothing compared with you. Your routines last season left me delighted. I’m anxious to see how you will do this year.”

His smile was genuine, and his compliments sincere by heart. Even with the years I still hadn't figured out how to deal with compliments. I became a bundle of nerves every time, blushing and shaking.

“Thanks.” I babbled, feeling guilty because I couldn’t say anything about his skating, so I had never seen it.

A yell form Yakov to Viktor sounded through the extension of the place, and both of us turned to look. Always the same story.

“Some things don’t change.” Iván laughed, freeing me and rubbing his neck “It seems Vitya still ignores the poor Yakov.”

“Do you know each other?”

I was a bit surprised, but at the same time I was aware that Viktor knew a lot of people from all ambits of the skating world. It was impossible for him to tell me about all of them.

“Oh, yes!” In his eyes shined the shadow of memories I couldn’t decipher. “Very good, in fact. Since years. I was Yakov’s pupil before, but when I wanted to compete in pairs I had to change of coach. I haven’t seen him for a while but, for what I have witnessed, I can tell Vitya is as stubborn as always.”

I nodded, returning my attention to Viktor’s practice. It made sense. I fell absorbed again, almost forgetting the presence of the other man by my side, until Iván talked.

“I was so surprised when the news of him becoming your coach came out. I couldn’t imagine somebody like him who doesn’t listen trying to make himself heard. Totally contradictory. But there’s no person more contradictory than Vitya.”

The image of Viktor lazy and cranky of this morning came to my mind, and I found myself smiling without being able to avoid it. Iván backed against the fence, looking at Viktor while he was making another jump as easily as breathing.

“But now he seems happy. And as far as I know is because of you.” he tilted his head towards me, with a funny look.

I said nothing, feeling the blush in my cheeks again.

“Congratulations for your engagement.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ve never thought I would see Vitya engaged.” he laughed, but seemed doing it for himself.

Furrowing, I turned towards him, confused by his words. Iván reacted instantly; straighten himself up and shrinking the eyes with a certain fault in them.

“Forget it.” he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

But his words resounded in my head in a strange way for a few seconds, until I decided it was better ignore it. The two of us returned our look to Viktor.

“It’s nice to see everything here is the same. My partner, Nina, got injured recently and she can’t compete, so she urged me to do it alone this season. I’m trying to press Yakov so that he accepts training me again, and I think I’m about to get it. So I suppose we’ll see each other around here.”

I felt his emeralded irises on me again. When I turned to confirm it I saw I wasn’t wrong. He gave me a brief smile.

“Good luck with it then.” I said, trying to maintain my voice tone stable.

Another yell from Yakov resounded. Viktor had stopped in the middle of the rink, and I could see him staring at us, but not his expression because I wasn’t wearing my glasses.

“Hi, Vitya!” Iván raised his arm and waved it vigorously towards him.

Viktor approached in a hurry, ignoring Yakov for the umpteenth time that morning. Confused, he first looked at me, and even more confused, looked at Iván after.

“It’s been a while!” Iván got close, hugging him, friendly.

“Vanya…” Viktor murmured when was freed, with face crossed by the surprise. “I mean, Iván. What are you doing on here?”

“Nina is injured. I’m returning with Yakov for this season.”

“What?” Viktor raised his eyebrows, completely perplex.

“Great, right?”

Something in Viktor’s expression was weird. He seemed happy to see his ex-mate, but at the same time harbored some hesitation. He smiled, and had a little conversation in which they caught up fast.

“Yuuri, I’m done for now. Why we don’t go to eat something?” Viktor said to me then, when they finished talking.

“Fine.”

“Well, then, I’ll see you Iván.”

“Yes.” the other man nodded happily because of Viktor’s words, and then faced me again. “And Yuuri… It’s been a truly pleasure meeting you. I hope we could talk more another day.”

I answered with a couple of unsteady phrases, still startled, and Viktor made me a gesture for us to go. He grabbed my hand with firmness, more than usual, starting to move away. I had the sensation that he wanted to get out from there as soon as possible. I turned back to Iván one last time, I don’t know why, and he made a little farewell gesture. After, I stared at Viktor, who still had an aura of discomfiture.  I wasn’t sure what my thoughts about Iván were, but I knew there was something up between him and Viktor, something tense, something strange. In that moment I couldn’t have imagined what that casual meeting would signify for all of us.


	2. They say that love is forever (your forever is all that I need)

It had been a long day. After the lunch we came back to the rink to start my practice, and we had been there until the night made its appearance. I didn’t saw Iván again; neither had I given a further thought to our meeting. What I believed to have seen in Viktor’s actions when reencountered with him disappeared so fast I thought it had been my imagination, so I let it go.

When we arrived home, Makkachin came to welcome us, barking and jumping, as always. Viktor went right away to lay at the sofa, without even changing his clothes, and the dog laid down right beside him on the floor. Unlike him, I did put myself something more comfortable, to immediately start making dinner. Cooking was one of the things I took charge of almost in its totality. It was not like Viktor was a bad cook, but carrying that fatigue he could have made a soup with the detergent without realizing.

Dressed with the apron, backing on the countertop, I thought what to prepare. Before a few indecision instants, I decided to ask him.

“Would you like something in particular for dinner?”

“Hmmm.” I heard him humming. “Not really. Anything is fine.”

I pressed my lips. That wasn’t helpful. After opening the fridge and staring its contents I decided to make borsch.

When broth and beets were cooking, and since they had to be over medium heat a while, I went to the sofa too. I sat on the other side, where he had his feet. Viktor almost shrunk himself to give me space but I stopped him grabbing him by the ankles and letting place them in my lap. He had them pretty bruised anew. I started to massage, avoiding touching the wounds, and Viktor let go a throaty sound that oscillated between pleasure and pain.

“I should treat you this.”

“It’s not necessary. Seems worse than how it really is.”

Saying a white lie to me about something so well-known was silly, but I knew he was trying to avoid worrying me as much as I was to help him. After a sigh I continued with the massage. Viktor put his head back, backing it on the armrest, eyes closed and one arm over them. Oh, no. Every time he was in that pose he quickly fell asleep and I wasn’t going to let him stay without dinner again. I had to find something to start a conversation fast. I searched in my head anything that could work, _whatever_.

“You never talked me about Iván.” I said, for the simple act to say something, without any background beyond.

Viktor uncovered himself, looking at me immediately. That strange reflect inside his pupils appeared, but he didn’t say anything. He seemed prudently analyzing me. His reaction made me frown.

“Have you any problem with him?” apparently his weird mood around Iván wasn’t my imagination. “You were strange this morning. And you are making the same face now.”

He uttered a snort, looking suddenly more exhausted than seconds before. Viktor had his eyes fixed in the ceiling and then he shut his eyelids.

“I had. But was a long ago.”

“What happened?”

Even with his eyes closed I noticed him hesitate. In moments like that I realized the little knowledge of Viktor’s life before me I had, so every new thing he talked me about made me feel well for the mere fact of knowing him a bit more. I only had a brief chronology with large lagoons, disjointed and full of vague anecdotes, with so much to fill and understand. I was aware he didn’t like to rummage in that period, and due to his reaction I started to doubt he was going to continue talking, but at the end he did.

“I…” he started with a whisper, like if he wasn’t sure how to continue. “…destroyed him.”

I began to realize that maybe I had touched an issue too delicate. I wanted to maintain him awake, but not in exchange of that. Didn't mattered how much I wished him to share it with me, if talking about that hurt even in the slightest then it wasn’t worth. Viktor was still working in letting go the loneliness that had haunted him for years, which he wasn’t over it completely, and I was sure it had caused pain in levels I even could not imagine. So I was having some big doubts about if we should proceed. Nobody better than me knew that push emotions to the edge was a terrible idea.

“What did you do to him?” I decided to say in the end, extremely cautious.

He released the air in his lungs with roughness. After, leaned back suddenly, sitting cross legged and looked at me as serious as hesitant. Makkachin seemed to notice his mood and jumped onto him, curling up between the space in his legs and licking the face of her owner. When Viktor petted her she relaxed a bit.

“Do you promise you won’t think badly of me?” it almost seemed a plea.

I knitted my brows. Viktor hesitating was unusual, no matter how little.

“Of course not.”

He rested the elbow in sofa’s back, the closed fist supporting his head, suddenly surrounded by an aura of feebleness. How bad could have it been what happened between them?

“Iván and I were together.”

His affirmation hit me like a mace and a few instants passed in which my brain stayed processing what he just said. He never had talked me about his past relationships, maybe because at first was an issue which I wasn’t receptive about and never asked. If I had found out months ago that Iván had been one of his lovers, I’d have felt pretty insecure. Clearly Iván was handsome, with certain magnetism and, despite I only had had a short peek, a charming personality for sure. It made sense if he had felt attracted by him at some point. That thought would have tortured me before, but in those last months Viktor had made his point clear that now it was _me_ , and I forever would be and I believed it. So there was no reason for feeling less. But even so it was shocking. 

I blinked a few times, perplex. It took some seconds for Viktor to speak again, still analyzing my reaction.

“It happened seven years ago, and it wasn’t even that serious. It was rather casual, without strong feelings involved. But in time Iván started to feel more and I didn’t realize. And one night…” he furrowed the forehead, looking like trying to remember. “…I think it was in a party he gave at his house for his birthday, I met Fabi, his half-brother. Iván’s parents got divorced when he was very young, and his mother married another man, Fabi’s father. The two of them supported on each other and in the end they ended being like truly brothers. Iván always talked about him; he worshiped Fabi so much. More than once told me Fabi was the most important person in his life.”

His voice was charging itself slowly with a more than tangible sadness. I remained focused, in silence, expectant by his account, having the certainty it wasn’t going to get better.

“Iván always kept reserved, and never told me his name. So in that moment I didn’t know who Fabi really was. I’d never have done what I did if I had known. But that night I was so drunk… and so obfuscate believing I had a crush, that…” he hushed, the doubt crossing his expression. “Everything went out of hand then. The thing with Fabi turned more serious quickly, and I told Iván that we had to end our thing, but I didn’t told why; I thought it was better like that. In the last weeks I had experienced more than once his jealousy and rage impulses, so, and even not noticing his feelings still, I preferred not go into detail. He had my esteem after all; I didn’t want our relation to turn tense or something like that.”

He made a pause, the hurt in his memories clearly reflected in his look.

“Shortly after, the truth came up, for all of us. I only know that, when they found out, had a fight, in which popped up a lot of Iván’s resentments and insecurities towards Fabi, ripping their relationship without remedy. I know this because Fabi told me when he came to break up; after that, he disappeared. I should have felt hurt, but the only thing that was in my mind was Iván, who surely was heartbroken because he loved me, and hated me for being the trigger of the rupture of their brotherhood. And I wasn’t wrong. When we came across in person Iván yelled at me, shook me and I allowed him to let off” he pressed his lips in a thin line because of the memory. “I don’t remember what he said. I know it wasn’t nice, but all my focus was in his expression. I had shattered him completely.”

The silence fell upon us, only broken by the sound of the pot in the fire, until Viktor proceeded with his explanation.

“Days after, he moved in in another city with a new coach, and even had passed over to pair skating… He went away.” he whispered, breathing brokenly. “A couple years from that, we happened to meet in a competition and talked about everything. I apologized, even knowing it was far from being enough, and he forgave me. Unfortunately he couldn’t fix his relation with Fabi; they never talked again. And I know Iván seems to have moved on, but it still makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I was selfish and foolish and all the damage I made him was for being thoughtless.”

In my head I was seeing perfectly a twentysomething Viktor, killing himself training for entire days to arrive at his house loneliness and I was sure that his relationship with Iván was fruit of wanting to escape from that. They were mates, so they knew each other well. For Viktor should been a way to forget, submerge in somebody who wasn’t unknown, avoid the hurt of feeling so isolated. But he didn’t obtain that, so he held onto the sensation he had with Fabi, searching affection desperately. Deep down was a pattern I was sure he repeated without being totally conscious of it. He did that with me too, clinging to the idea of what our story could be able to become and left everything to go after that concept. And this time he got what he wanted so badly, and I was willing to love him every day until he could forget all the lonely instants in his life before meeting me. But what happened between Viktor, Iván and Fabi was the clear consequence of his blind search for a lifesaver that would have allowed him to float. And probably if Iván and Fabi hadn’t had any relation everything would have ended in a regular breakup, but that was not the case. It wasn’t Viktor’s fault that things between the two brothers weren’t well, so he couldn’t blame himself for it. True was that he didn’t made things properly, but, and who don’t? The story turned more dramatic of how could have been actually, that’s all. I understood Viktor could feel bad even after so long —since Iván and Fabi had grown apart—, but what he just told me hadn't changed my vison of him. For the love of God, he was only a lonely kid.

Viktor had a worry sparkle in his eyes. He sat up straight and seemed to wait for me to say something. Nevertheless, I preferred to approach and kiss him, with my hand in his cheek.

“Thank you for telling me. And _it’s okay_. You don’t have to feel bad, and even more knowing Iván has forgiven you. You two were practically kids; it’s normal your decisions weren’t good. Besides, yes, you were as mindless as always, but their problems were out of your control. And you didn’t know they were family. So don’t get bogged down by it.”

His expression changed fast, making puppy eyes and jumping to catch me in his arms, forcing Makkachin to go back to the floor.

“ _Yuuri_!” he whimpered. “How can you be that good?”

“I haven’t done anything.” I laughed, and then he released me from his embrace a little bit. “And for you to be sure, Iván doesn’t seem to have hard feelings at all. Quite the contrary actually, he sounded pretty happy to see you again.”

“Well… Good to know.”

“And by the way…”

I put my arms around his neck, placing my forehead in his, smiling. It was the first time him had explained something about his past so thoroughly, and yes, I had some crossed feelings about it: happy for him finally talking unfiltered (because that meant he was conscious he had me for everything at all the possible levels —especially emotionally, which was what had lacked the most in almost all his life—), but on the other hand I was worried about the talk having brought up a bit the memories of how alone he had been. Sometimes he got wistful and I had to pamper him to the max until the feeling had vanished. But he returned my smile with a shinier one, and was such a relief because it didn’t seem to have affected him talk about that up. We were progressing. Anyway, I wanted to re-mark it again, just to make sure for the thousandth time he knew.

“Everything is different now.” I uttered, my voice whispering and soft. “ _I am here_.”

His eyes went over my features, filling with a touchy look. While he smiled more softly I felt his hands tangling in my hair, sending an electric chill all over my body.

“Right. You’re here.”

I nodded slightly, and turned myself into the contact of his lips. I wanted with so much fervor that he knew. I wanted that he was aware of how much I was wishing to ease all the bad moments he went through before meeting me. I wanted to compensate his pain completely, make it disappear, turn it totally blur. I wanted him to be happy, no matter what; _I_ wanted to make him happy.

He inclined himself up, sending us to lie down on the sofa, without breaking the contact. When he put his body onto mine, I felt his heat through the clothes and the blush burning in my face instantly. One of his hands began to go down until grabbing my right leg; the other tightened its grip, pulling my hair lightly. Viktor seemed pleased when this made me groan, kissing harder. His lips were more anxious every moment, his breath deeper and his hands needier and I couldn’t think clearly. I only reacted at the feel of his fingers beginning to make its way under my shirt.

“Wait.” I muttered, separating myself as much as I could. “You weren’t tired?”

“Not anymore.” his pupils expanded to the point the blue had turned into a thin line.

I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. That man was going to be the death of me. His look of desire was burning me and I wasn’t sure how much I could control myself if he continued staring like this. He tried to kiss me again, but I stopped him, straighten myself up a bit.

“You want to do this now?” my head was absolutely murky.

“Why not?”

“I think we should dinner first.”

“We have time.” his tone had implicit a complaint.

Even if he had denied not being exhausted, if we did that before dinner he wouldn’t have energy enough not even to stand up, so he would stay without eating once more.

“No. First we’ll eat.”

“Yuuri.” he clicked his tongue, upset.

“I’m not gonna let you skip dinner again.”

“Who said I was going to skip dinner? I only” he placed over me, burying the face in my neck, his lips dangerously close to my skin. “expected to make a change on the menu.”

When he rubbed me with his lips I made a superhuman effort to repress a pleasure sigh which threaten to escape from my throat.

“Vitya, please.” I had tried the words to be the more stable as possible. “We can wait a little bit more.”

In many days we hadn’t been able to do anything, and I wished it —God, I wished it so much—, but I wasn’t going to let Viktor get sick for not following an enough healthy routine.

He stopped immediately, raising himself until he could look at me, the frustration drawn in his expression.

“ _Okay_.” he grumbled at the end. 

As soon as he got up from me I hurried to finish preparing the food, with all my body feeling lighter than before.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There were times when make love with Viktor made me feel like I was inside a dream.

When I entered the room he was sitting on edge of the king-seized bed, waiting for me, his shirt on the floor already. His pale skin stroked by the moonlight seemed made of ivory, contrasting with the burning blue of his irises. He stood up without hesitate, coming to me. Hands placed in my hips, gentle, saving the distance that separated us, bringing closer our bodies. My breath was cut out. I was too much overwhelmed to even think normally. I just let myself get caught in his intense eyes for the umpteenth time. His impatience was palpable, and even so he still looked at me with that lust and tenderness mixture which I didn’t know how it was even possible. The stroke of his breath was over me, making me feel I was going to lose my mind at any moment.

He waited a bit more before kissing me, and in the exact moment his mouth searched mine desperately, every single fiber in my body trembled. I kept hold onto the nakedness of his back, by instinct, or otherwise I was going to faint. Suddenly I felt the accumulated pain of these days of not being able to touch and feel him, to drink of the sensation of his proximity; and I was starving. Momentarily the idea of taking him, go to the bed and omit any type of foreplay was powerful, but the wish of making it go on was even more.

The need in him began to burst as his kisses turned more demanding, greedier, and his hands slid under the fabric of my shirt. Viktor broke the contact for a second to rid me of the item of clothing, throwing it somewhere without any consideration.

 _God, his eyes_. It always had surprised me how much he wished me. I wasn’t totally used to it, even being aware. He had reflected in them an overwhelming ferocity, almost animal, but not losing his deep love and need. The combination of his emotions had me shaking and he hadn't even touched me yet. I panted inevitably. I was going to melt; I was sure of it. _But I wanted to_.

Interlacing my hands in his hair I pulled him to another kiss, and he obliged with no complain. I went deep in it, licking inside his mouth, taking from him a pleasure-frustration moan. His hands took down, with him doing it too simultaneously, and I knew what he wanted to do. When he lifted me up, with a little jump, I enclosed his hips in my legs, and right after he walked right to the bed while restarting the kiss.

We fell on the mattress, bouncing, Viktor on the top, supported by his hands placed by the sides of my head, always looking at me. He was so beautiful, panting, lips red and half-open, with his pupils dilated and being a bunch of nerves. Was a mess, and still the most handsome man in this world. I placed my hands again in his back, pushing him downward until his body was backed completely on mine. I uttered a huff to the contact of his skin, feeling the need burning inside my belly. I wanted him as close as was physically possible.

Viktor put another kiss in my lips before sliding to my jawline, going down by my neck softly, licking, biting, making small love bites, causing me writhe and moan slightly.

When he went through my shoulder was the moment I realized he was much more soft than usual, and that he hadn’t said a single word yet. But I was so anxious to continue that I was far to care. 

He continued going down across my torso with his lips, as slow that made me think I was going crazy. He arrived at my hips and grabbed the elastic band of my pants to take them off, so I lifted a bit to made it easier to him. 

After that he returned up. He inclined to the right to reach one of the drawers of the nightstand and grab the lube. I gritted my teeth to the expectation, suddenly feeling again extremely impatient. While he was opening the bottle and putting the liquid on his fingers I just stared. I was sure the day I got bored of looking at him could never exist. His muscles were contrasted by the illumination, flexing due to the movements of his body, and his hair falling messy on his face, giving him a needier aspect.

Viktor half laid by my side, placing his free hand under my head, interlaced with my hair and sent a hesitant look to me.

“Yes?” he asked, his voice deep and trembling.

I nodded. I couldn’t wish it more. Again I held on his back how I could, supporting on him because I knew when he started touching me I would need it. And in effect when I felt his fingertips on my member I muttered a hard moan, my nails scratching his skin. His hand circled me completely, starting soft movements up and down and I thought I was losing myself. Pressing my head back, burying it more in the pillows, I couldn’t contain the throaty sounds I was doing, my breathing shakenly. He always had managed to make me feel I was going to explode. _It was unfair_.

Viktor went back tracing paths with his lips in my neck, increasing more and more the hand movements, killing me slowly. My body in its full extent felt like burning, with the need expanding, but he seemed to be taking his time and that was driving me to despair.

All of a sudden, he raised his head to look at me, stopping what he was doing. Straightaway moved down his fingers, starting to test my entrance. I snorted when I felt him pushing inside a single finger, not being able to think if I was scraping too much his skin. It was not _enough_ , and still _too slow_.

I arched my back, bending up lightly, supporting myself with my forearm, giving him better access and so being able to kiss him easily. With my other hand in his hair I pulled him to me a bit rougher. He drew in his lips a sly smile by my reaction, and pushed another finger. I was about to fall flat onto the bed again because of the intensity, and I had to break the kiss, needy for more air than I was obtaining. I was totally trembling, swamped by the sensation of his movements inside me.

Without delay, he pushed inside the remaining fingers. The feeling was so strong I wasn’t sure if I would be able to resist it.

When he removed them I let myself fall in the pillows, a bit reluctant for the contact loss, but too melted to even protest. Nevertheless, Viktor hurried to place upon me, starting the kissing once more, caressing my cheek with the hand that was by the side in my head. I wanted him to speed up, but staying like that a little bit more wouldn’t bother me. Taking advantage from the position I passed my fingertips down by the muscles of his torso, going under his pants, arriving to his cock. I hadn’t touched him yet, but he was pretty hard already. Inside I felt delighted for being able to cause him that without doing barely anything.

Viktor stood up a second to get rid of the garment, the last that was between us, and come back to me extremely fast. His impatience made me smile, and I restarted what I had begun after. When my hand started moving, Viktor moaned, trembling, and soon after he hid his face in my neck. The amount of times I had heard that sound didn’t matter; always made me gooseflesh and set me on fire inside. I only wanted to take away from him more of that sounds, until he had given himself totally to the pleasure.

But he rose too soon, placing a hand over mine, stopping me. I frowned, a bit displeasured. He looked at me through his eyelashes, recovering his breathing, almost crumbling.

“We will not continue if you carry on.” he said how he could, in gasps.

I grimaced. He was right. And I wanted to continue. I got carried too much. Viktor laughed and gave me another kiss, caressing my hair.

“Because I suppose you want to continue.” he tested me, seductive, placing his forehead in mine.

“Of course I do.” I protested, falsely offended, returning my fingers to the softness of his hair.

“Alright.” his throaty whisper sent another expectation wave all over my body. “Then, can I?”

“You know you can.”

He gave me a further smile right after reaching for the lube to apply it on his cock. Separating my legs and placing between them, he fixed his eyes on me before push it inside me slowly. I groaned to the sensation of feeling him completely. He let his body rest on mine, waiting a little before pulling himself out and enter again. My muscles tensed, trembling, surrendered fully in his arms.

Once again, I felt that Viktor was especially soft, keeping his moves gentle and slow. While having sex, he normally liked to rouse me, talking in my ear, changing the rate constantly to tease me and sometimes he was pretty rough. But then he seemed more concentrated in passing his hands all over my body, kiss, caress and in not taking his eyes off me for even a second. It was like he was enjoying me but in an emotional level more than physically.

And wasn’t like it annoyed me; quite the opposite actually. It brought me good memories, and that should have been expressed on my face.

“What?” he said, totally breathless, stopping.

I was silly smiling. I couldn’t have avoided it. The sensation wasn’t the same, of course, but his actions resembled a lot to the moment of our —my— first time, being so sweet and contemplative. Obviously that time we were much more nervous, more anxious, everything happening dizzily faster, but I found some similarity anyway.

“It’s nothing.”

Maybe I was a bit gloomy.

I saw the intrigue in him, but he didn’t insist. He only smiled too and kissed me deeply, restarting the moves again.

Definitely there wasn’t a single thing in this world that could compare to the sensation of having Viktor inside, over me, enclosed by him, moving, making me his. For me, in that moment didn’t exist nothing but him. We could have stayed there for good and it would have been absolutely fine for me, because I didn’t want to let him go. We had too little time. I was trying to be resilient, but every day that passed was harder. And for it I wanted that moment to last, hold him _a bit more_. Just a bit more.

When the morning came we would have to leave that bubble, face our demanding routines, and I was never sure how much time we would have for us or when. Maybe we quite saw each other because of my practices, but that was not the same. Viktor, even being a mess as a coach, was taking more seriously his role. So training hours were only that… Training hours. There were days when we barely met for a few minutes; those were the worst. Waking up, go to bed and eat alone were the moments when I had a knot in my stomach and had forced myself to resist no matter what. What we were doing would have recompense, was what I was repeating to myself. I wanted to obtain the gold in the Grand Prix that season desperately, to make the promise held in our rings come true at last. 

Yes. I was definitely gloomy.

He began to move faster gradually, our bodies tensing up because of the pleasure, making me lose the train of thought. Our moans started to jumble, suffocated in kisses and a myriad of gasps. I was falling in the sensation, losing me in it, surrendered. One of his hands reached my cock, restarting the handjob, taking me quickly to the edge. I closed my eyes when my vision went blur, pressing myself down on the pillows.

“Vitya, please…” I begged. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was sure I couldn’t. It was too much.

I felt the air of his gasp over my face, tickling a bit. I was overwhelmed, so under the intensity of his touch and movements he drove me fast to the orgasm. 

The first instants after, I was totally quiet, feeling my body light and flickering, trying to catch my breath.

When I opened my eyes, I faced fully the image of Viktor, blushed and staring like I was the most precious thing in the universe. I uttered a snort, half laughter, and reached his lips. Taking advantage of his distraction in the kiss and helping myself grabbing his hips, I changed the position, putting Viktor down. He looked at me surprised; I gave him a teasing expression.

“My turn now,” I went down, whispering at his ear. “ _Vitya_.”

When I lifted myself a bit I saw his blushing had expanded considerably, going down his neck, making him seem too tender.

Due to the position change his cock went out of me, but I lined it up and introduced again, taking a deep moan from Viktor. His previous expression just vanished, the lust once more in his eyes.

I was overexposing my body to the pleasure, but I wanted him to come too. I had to make an effort to avoid melting with my own moves, gripping the sheets in order to maintain stable. Viktor placed his hands in my hips, with force, so much that probably it was going to left marks. But it didn’t mattered.

Soon he came too, making a series of moans I was sure that were going to resound in my eardrums for days. He was totally worn out under me, with watery eyes, hardly breathing and encircling me with his shaking arms to make me lay on him.

I stayed with my ear in his chest, hearing how his breath was turning slowly to normal, the wild heartbeat and feeling the heat he was emitting. There was so much serenity suddenly, so much peace. I lost myself in the caress of his fingers in my hair, in his hand in my back, the sensation of having him and being his. I was trying to memorize every second, treasuring the feeling of his warmth, his skin against mine, his scent surrounding me.

I knew we had to clean up ourselves, so having to stand up had been horrible. Viktor expressed a deep disappointment because of this.

“No.” he complained, like a child, trying to retain me.

“It’ll only be a moment.” I laughed.

He made a face and let me go. I went to the bathroom, soaked a bit a towel and came back to give it to him. He cleaned himself up and returned it to me, still reluctant. In the bath I did the same before getting in the bed with Viktor. He caught me instantly in his arms, bringing closer to him as much as possible. I smiled, burying my face under his jawline. All of sudden I was infinitely happy, forgetting the melancholy I had felt minutes ago. Perhaps we hadn’t many opportunities, and if we had any was in the days we were less tired, but even so every second by his side was perfect.

So focused in my thought I was, I didn’t even realize the weight of the day had just fell on me, leaving me weak, and I fell asleep fast, surrounded by Viktor’s warmth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I perceived vaguely the touch of fingers pushing aside the hair that was falling in front of my eyes, and which after continued stroking my scalp. Half asleep, I opened my eyes. After focusing, I saw Viktor awake and laid in his left side, staring at me. A certain guilty crossed his features.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” he muttered.

“What are you doing?” I was absolutely bleary-eyed.

I turned to the nightstand to look what time was in my mobile. It was almost two in the morning and I probably fell asleep around midnight.

“It’s pretty late.” I twirled in the bed to face him again. “Have you been awake the whole time?”

He nodded.

“You can’t sleep?” It was strange. Hours ago he was exhausted, and after having sex he should have fell asleep in a flash.

But there he was. Like an owl.

“No. I only wanted to see you sleep for a while.”

“Two hours are a while?”

“And not enough.”

“Oh, come on.” I laughed.

“You can’t blame me for staring, such as handsome as you are while you sleep.”

“Stop it.” the flush already in my cheeks. “You are tired and already talking nonsense.”

“This is more important.”

“Vitya…”

And then I realized. Apparently not only I was melancholic that night. He seemed a bit sad and I thought that maybe our talk before dinner made him emotional. He had been different; not bad, just different. I sighed, moving closer, placing my hand on his ribs.

“Are you okay?”

“Oh.” he uttered owing to my worried tone. “Yes, for real. That’s it.”

But to tell the truth, and with such tiredness in his face, there had to be something else to maintain him awake even with that. So he sighed to my skeptical expression.

“Fine.” he admitted, tilting his head. “That’s not it.”

“It is because of what we talked before?”

He squinted, fixing his eyes in the whiteness of the sheets, betraying him without even having talked yet.

“Maybe.”

I didn’t understand. I thought that was settled.

“But everything is fine.” I furrowed. “You don’t need to torment yourself more. You know that…”

“No, no, no, no.” he cut me off. “Not because of that.”

Bewildered, I stayed quiet, looking at him, not understanding. He let himself fell completely in his side, and observed me, suddenly affectionate, and fondled my cheek.

“The thing is that I was thinking a bit about my life and that I’m really lucky to have you.”

I blushed to the unexpected confession, touched and at the same time a little embarrassed.

“Yuuri, you don’t even know how much I want to be good for you. I don’t want a single day in which you’re not in it. And I know I’ve told you already but… You gave me _everything_. You can’t imagine what I was before you. I felt like I had no soul. I was so lost. But then you arrived and turned on all the lights. And maybe it's going to sound foolish but… Sometimes I think I’m not enough for you.”

If I hadn’t been so moved by his words I would have burst into laughter. Viktor Nikiforov saying he was _not enough_. Of all the things he could have chosen to say of himself, of all, he chosen that _he was not enough_. Of course it seemed foolish to me.

“What are you saying? That you are not _enough_?”

My voice tone should have betrayed me and showed how hilarious his affirmation was for me because he furrowed immediately.

“I’m being serious.” he let me go, crossing his arms. “You _rude_.”

“Vitya…” I dragged myself until being on the top of him, with my forearms at the sides of his head. “No joke. You are fooling me, right?”

“I don’t!”

I didn’t come to understand that Viktor was talking seriously, but overall what had me totally confused was him being insecure. Viktor. _Insecure_. That was crazy.

“That doesn’t even make sense. There’s nothing that could equalize you.”

“Do you truly believe that?”

“Of course I do! You know I do. And I can’t understand what are about your doubts. You’re never insecure.”

“I am sometimes! I’m not made of stone.”

Normally when he was wistful never remitted to insecurity. It was as simple as him still being used to the new situation. But now it seemed something totally different.

I was aware of how Viktor thought of himself so it was impossible that that was what it caused the insecurity. According to what he just said was insecure about if he was good for me so, what if it was my fault?

“I’ve made something that made you feel this way?”

Viktor rose up his look suddenly, full of alarm.

“Oh, no! No, Yuuri, not you… I am the problem.”

That left me more confused. I felt like walking in eggshells.

“Vitya, I’m truly not catching what you are trying to tell me.”

He hesitated, tilting down his head, freeing a large sigh.

“I’m afraid to hurt you.”

I stared at him perplex. That he didn’t doubt about himself but of his actions was something a lot familiar, more typical of him. But even with that I was as lost as before regarding what he was trying to explain to me.

“Hurt me?”

He nodded lightly.

“But you'd never hurt me.”

“What if I do, unintentionally?”

Oh. Suddenly all made sense. Because of that he was that strange. He was afraid of making his past mistakes with me, alike with what happened with Iván and Fabi.

I felt guilty for not realizing sooner. Now all the night _made totally sense_. Telling me about that should have made him see once more how much pain his slips could make and the thought of hypothetically hurting me in the future caused the insecurity of him not being good enough. And because of that he had been so honeyed; he was scared. I was conscious of Viktor’s love, that he wanted me by his side the same way I did and that he didn't want to lose me. That simple thought made him doubt about things that were unquestionable.

“You won’t. And if you did I wouldn’t walk away. We would solve it. As we always do.”

But my words didn’t seem to calm him down. I rested totally on his body in order to be able to put my hands in his cheeks, making him look at me in the eyes.

“Vitya, listen, you won’t.”

He closed his eyes right after, with his features twisted in a grimace. I was conscious that he knew, but also that fear makes you forget. And Viktor was such a stubborn. A pretty bad combination. So I was going to tell him once again and thousand more if that was he needed.

“You don’t have to be afraid.” I said, my forehead in his. “I’ll always be with you. No matter what. I’m not gonna let you feel alone never again. And maybe sometime you’ll hurt me, but I love you, so I’m going to do everything possible for us to move forward. But don’t you think that you’re not enough, ever again, because I swear then I’ll tickle you until you can’t handle it. Besides, I’m not Iván, nor Fabi, nor any other. And you don’t have twenty years or isolation. So stop worrying. _You won’t_.”

His breath cut out and opened his eyes. He pressed his lips and sighed.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. And _Vitya_ ,” I whispered, smiling softly. “maybe I have given you everything but, for me, _you are everything_. And there’s nothing that can change that.”

For a second I thought he was going to cry, but however he returned my smile and hugged my with all the strength that had.

“But, in the case you doubt it again” I reached for his right hand and took it to my lips in order to kiss his ring. “remember we have a future.”

“I will.”

“Perfect.” and then I kissed him fleetingly. “And now we have to sleep. _Both_.”

He made a vague nod and we returned to lay on our sides. I passed my arm by his ribs, maintaining him close.

“I love you,” he said, hiding in my neck. “a lot.”

“I love you too.”

And this way, we two fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well... 
> 
> This chapter was such a real effort, to be honest. Currently, since english is not my first language, I write first in mine and then I traduce it. It takes the double of time to finish, but it's the only way I have to make it have more sense. Well, that's what I hope.  
> But I do it with all the love and doing my best. 
> 
> I'll update soon, cause I'm on vacation and I have plenity of time. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed <3
> 
> xx, Núria Schnee


	3. All I needed was the love you gave (all I needed for another day)

Somehow, and I’m not absolutely sure how, Iván and I became friends.

During the first days we only greet at the other briefly, to be polite, but I watched his interactions with the other skaters. Like suspected, he was a nice guy. It was with the oldest ones he shown himself more open, mostly with Viktor and Georgi. The fact that Viktor seemed, after our talk, more calmed around him, treating each other like old friends and nothing else, made me glad.

I had seen his skating too. It was something else, without a doubt. He had all the hubris of a good dancer, but his elegance was far from being delicate. When he jumped, was fierce; he did it with a panther’s tenacity, his slipping skills close to be dizzy, like every inch of ice was going to combust under his path.

Absolutely absorbing was the only way to describe that.

It wasn’t until a couple of weeks had passed that he approached me to talk properly, while we were picking our things at the end of the day in the locker room. He started the conversation with cordial compliments about my new routines, which I returned likewise. Talking about skating always was a good way to start, and even more when you didn’t know about what or how to begin to talk.

That day Viktor was in an interview in the other side of the city, which was going to take all the day, and he had to go there by car, so I was going to have to return home walking at nightfall. It was not like we lived far, but my muscles were aching and walk was going to be hell. So Iván, who it seemed to be pretty observant, noticed that and offered to take me home. After meditating it a bit, I accepted.

We went out of the building in silence, Iván seemed to be getting nervous by moments, until he stopped and I imitated his action. He looked at me befuddled.

“Hey, Yuuri” he said, tilting the head at one side, insecure. “Can I ask you something?”

I nodded, surprised by his sudden reaction.

“I’ve been wondering it for days… Vitya has talked to you about what happened between… _us_?” he pronounced this last word totally hesitant, almost embarrassed. “It’s just that when we met the other day I realized you didn’t seem to know and maybe he told you after that.”

He talked fast, nervous. I knew exactly what he was referring to, but didn’t understand why he brought that up or what mattered. It was obvious I wasn’t feeling uncomfortable about it, and in theory if anyone had to feel like that it should have been me. So his vacillation confused me.

“Yes. He told me.”

“Oh.” he pressed his lips and crossed his arms, shy. “Well… In that case, I just want to say that I hope you didn’t get a wrong impression about me. I mean… I’m not like that anymore. Really. And I don’t want this to be uncomfortable for nobody, since we’re going to be together for a year.”

“Ah…Uh… I don’t have any problem with it. And I’m not judging you. Considering what Vitya told me, you weren’t in a good moment. So…” I shrugged my shoulders.

Comforting the ex-lover of my fiancé and current rink mate of mine was surrealist and far from what I had planned to do after training. But Iván seemed a decent person to me, and I was agreeing with him that it was better that nobody felt bad about it.

He took his hand to the neck, rubbing it, probably feeling weird for talking about that with me; a reasonable reaction.

“You sure?”

I nodded, with a brief smile, and he looked like he was more relaxed.

That was the first time in my life I got on a motorbike.

When Iván offered to take me I supposed he had a car, but it seemed my supposing was dead wrong.

The simple thought of getting on that infernal two wheeled machine produced me _real_ _terror_.

Iván spent a couple of minutes trying to convince me that it wasn’t such a big deal, and that I wouldn’t regret when I tried. Yet, I ended giving up and getting on the rear side with his help, tense like never before. He gave me his helmet, swearing it wasn’t a problem for me wearing it because was a short route. But the most awkward arrived when he placed himself on the seat, in front of me, between my legs. I moved backwards, trying to avoid the contact, and he seemed to realize because he turned to me softly and smiled.

“Usually the passenger holds on the driver, but if you prefer it you can hold yourself on the handles at your sides.” he said, reassuring.

I looked down, finding and grabbing them.

“Ready?”

Unable to produce not even a single word, I made a throaty sound and he laughed out loud.

“Here we go then.”

He turned on the motor and the thing roared under us. My anxiety began to rise, and, internally, I asked myself with fury why I had to accept. I was about to refuse and jump out, but, a microsecond after, the vehicle started to move, being too late for me to run away.

I panicked when we started to gain velocity. Even with the compartment of the bike in my back I had the sensation I was going to fall backwards. In a speed-up I changed my grab, hugging onto Iván, scared to death. I heard him laugh again.

But little by little the sentiment of the air on my body supplied me an absolute sensation of liberty, making my heartbeat rise, but in a pleasant way.

That adrenaline was alike the one you had speeding up and jumping on the ice; addictive, pure oxygen.

The streets I went through every day looked totally different, with the streetlights passing at full speed above us, and the euphoria harbored in every nook of my body, the breeze making me feel I could start flying.

We arrived so soon that I felt disappointed. In light of this, Iván offered to take me on another ride and, this time, I accepted gladly.

With the passing of days his presence resulted more comfortable, and I stopped seeing him like Viktor’s ex to be only Iván: that guy, such a sweetheart, that helped the youngers when he was allowed to do it, that liked to make you laugh saying something silly, that was a totally razing on ice and loved pelmeni. And maybe he had grown up, changed and he wasn’t like he was seven years before, but if his essence was the same as then I could understand why Viktor searched for his company. It was like having the sun near all the time, warm and comforting.

And maybe I needed that. My melancholy only was growing a little more every day. Apparently, skating world was demanding Viktor, nothing new, but with his return it increased significantly. That meant constant interviews, photoshoots, brands that wanted him to lend his image for its ads or for modeling, and an etcetera of things like that. And because of it his days off now were occupied too. It wasn’t like I hadn’t that type of offers, but not that such amount and the most part weren’t of my interest. So all resulted in that, if weren’t for my practices, we wouldn’t had seen each other. And that was killing me.

I felt a bit alone, I had to recognize it. And, yes, there were people around me; Mila, Georgi and Yuri were a welcome company, but they weren’t Phichit. He was simply irreplaceable.

I used to call him whenever I could, and, such as he did it when we lived in Detroit, he cheered me up and made me laugh to improve my mood. I missed him, alike I missed my family and being at home.

 

One day, I had a dim anxiety attack before training.

Viktor was in a medical checkup. He had just called me to say he was going to remain there until late because he had to repeat a couple of tests, so I was going to have to train alone. For some reason, that made everything be an uphill climb suddenly. I stayed sat, with eyes closed, feeling the oppression in my chest increment, inhaling deeply trying to ease it and holding back the tears that threatened to show themselves. In such state, fighting to obtain air, I didn’t realize Iván had just entered the room. It was like that how he found out about my anxiety. At first I felt self-aware, but he calmed me down and comforted me about it, telling me he had it years before too, when he was in his worst moments.

There weren’t a lot of people I was considering friends, but it didn’t take a lot for Iván to gain a place between them. Maybe it had been due to my usual mood lately, or because he understood me in his way, but I let him in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry Yuuri, but it’s… _Weird_.”

I laughed due to the way Phichit had said it.

That day I arrived home sooner than usual, so I we had been able to call. When we wanted to talk by phone, we had to keep in mind time difference, which was four hours more there. So we couldn't talk at night almost never, because it was too late for him and was already sleeping most times, but that day he decided to stay up a bit more for some reason.

“It may seem like this, but Iván is nice and there are no hard feelings.” I said, while cutting onions, with the mobile on hands-free.

“If you say so.” his tone was absolutely skeptical. “But I don’t know how you manage to be his friend. If I were you, a lot of disturbing images would appear in my head constantly.”

“Oh, God, Phichit!” I made a face. “You always have to make me cringe, right?”

“It’s my job as your best friend.” he freed a laughter. “But, really, I’m glad you have somebody to trust. I know it’s being hard to pass so much time without Viktor.”

“Yes.” I sighed.

“But, you two are fine, no? I mean, the wedding still stands on.”

“Of course, if I win the gold.”

“Counting on how hard you are working, you will for sure. Although I’m not gonna make it easy to you.”

“I don’t expect you to do it.” I laughed.

I wanted to see him so much. I needed my best friend, the nights on the sofa watching bad soap operas and laughing, the endless conversations on the wee hours, the constant jokes between us. The memories of the years we were roommates were sweet, but painful to remember too. And Phichit seemed to read my thoughts then, even when he couldn’t see me, even through the distance.

“Yuuri… If I don’t remember wrong, you said that you were going to take a week off in August, you and Viktor, right?”

“Yes.”

“Why don’t you come to Bangkok? On the 12th is celebrated the birthday of the queen Sirikit. My entire street is decorated with lanterns, there’s a market too, and at night there’s fireworks.”

The truth was that the offer was tempting. I never had been in Bangkok, and I wanted to see him.

“It’s lovely, even romantic. Maybe it will liven you up a bit. Because, how’s sex? If you hardly see, I suppose you won’t have much time for _that_.”

“Phichit!” his name escaped my throat with a guffaw; he had totally got me off guard.

“What?” he said, with fake innocence. “I worry about you. Lack of sex may be problematic for a relationship.”

“That’s not what we were talking about!”

“Priorities, my friend. _Priorities_. And now tell me. When was the last time?”

“That’s none of your business.” I felt the blush start to fill my cheeks.

“Talk, Yuuri.” he inquired, serious.

I sighed. I didn’t know what I was surprised about. He was always tenacious when he wanted to find out something, and was always ready to help me.

“A week and a half.” I muttered.

“Even living together? Terrible!” I imagined his scandalized face at the other side. “How many times in the last month?”

“I don’t know.” but I did. And hurt. “Four? Five?”

There was a silence.

“Yuuri, I want you to stop making dinner, get undressed and, at the moment Viktor crosses the door, take him to the bed and fuck him like there was no tomorrow.”

“Phichit! I’m not going to do that!”

And not because I didn’t want to. But I preferred that he could rest and eat than hit on him. I could repress it. I could resist it. Or at least fool myself repeating it.

“Oh! Way better! Put on your last season’s suit and stay in a sensual pose on the bed! That’s infallible, for sure.”

“I’m not going to do _anything_.” the repression clearly in my voice.

“Come on! You can’t be more sexually frustrated. You live with the love of your life, who you desired and adored for years and practically is a sex god, and you are containing yourself, why?”

I freed a large sigh. Maybe I wasn’t like to talk about it, but if couldn’t tell to Phichit, to who then?

“I’m only cautious, okay? Viktor’s it’s really at his limit. He doesn’t stop for a moment, and when he can rest I want to let him. I don’t want him to overload because, you know, with Viktor it’s all or nothing. And the other day he went to a medical checkup and had to repeat tests, and I’m a bit scared because he said it was nothing, but that doesn’t make sense.”

“Do you really think something happens to him?”

“I don’t know, Phichit.” the anguish started harboring on my chest. “It’s not impossible. Viktor has been non-stop for years and demanding so much to himself. With more age more risky it’s to continue. And he’s near his thirties.”

I heard Phichit making a pensive murmur.

“Probably you are overthinking. You know how easily overwhelm yourself when doing it.”

He was right, but I couldn’t stop my thoughts. And yes, it was very likely everything was in my head and adding worries for the hell of it; nevertheless, that Viktor was constantly exhausted wasn’t. At the end of the day he used to drag his feet, lay somewhere and fall asleep. Sometimes I even had doubted that he was able to drive at night to come back home.

“If you’re that worried, ask him. He won’t lie to you. But don’t be on doubt and assume things without even talk with Viktor before. Besides” his voice had a drastic change, suddenly mocking. “by what you told me the last time, it’s obvious he would take you even if he was dying in pain. 

“That was different.” I tilted my head.

“Sure.” he continued with his mocking tone. “But, really, talk to him.”

“I will. And I’ll tell him about going there, too.”

“Perfect!”

“And Phichit…” I made pause, smiling briefly. “Thanks for everything.”

“It’s nothing, Yuuri! You know I’m always here for whatever you need.”

“I know.” it was true, and I was sure I’d never express correctly how much grateful I was with words. “We’ll talk soon, okay? I’m going to finish making dinner.”

After saying goodbye, I hanged up; right after, a panting went through my teeth and I held on the countertop with both hands. Phichit was right. I should have stopped torturing me internally, inasmuch I was conscious I was trying to ease in some way the burden that supposed Viktor being my coach, which was driving me to worry in excess for him.

I knew it, and was useless.

My thoughts' power was too grown, I had let it increase inside me for a mighty long time and now it was impossible to get rid of it that sudden. 

I resumed cooking when my head was about to explode, so I couldn’t silence the mishmash in it, hoping that be acutely engrossed in one activity helped.

And for a short while it did, but, in the precise instant I was unoccupied, the dark shadow of my angst woke up once more.

Trying to read a book, check my social networks, and even play with Makkachin turned out to be insufficient.

I had to relax.

Take a shower was the only —and the last— thing I thought that could work. I felt much better under the water’s embrace, and even like this the pile of worries was still there.

Backing with my hands on the wall, I became dejected and really frustrated for not being capable to control not even my own head. With eyes closed, I tried to concentrate exclusively in the drops’ sound on me and of my faltering breath.

Despite that, I fell in the spiral again.

What purpose had all of that really? I couldn’t distinguish it now. I only wanted to be with Viktor; the gold even not mattered anymore. My real aspirations were to see his smile all mornings, hug him without making him draw a painful face, look at his eyes and don’t see the trail of the non-slept hours under them. I only wanted him to be well.

The simple thought that his body might be resenting beyond the bruises and the sore muscles was implacable. Due to his season off he had to work hard in his physic form, which, even though it wasn’t nearly lost, wasn’t the same. What if he had exceeded himself? It would have been my fault. He took a year for me, and now he was double-working because of me too. I’d never forgive myself if his system had begun to totter because it.

Furthermore, I knew how horrible the consequences of physical surpassing could be. You saw it constantly in athletes: terrible injuries, accidents, and even…

No. _No_.

I made the possible to turn down the image; however, the possibility already had been written in stone in me.

Only a single flash had been enough: the vision of witnessing Viktor skating, as classy and magnificent as always, to suddenly see him collapse on the ice, lifeless.

The worse of it was that was possible.

Suddenly, I found myself with my legs trembling, melted by the terror, when an option came in my mind, a solution.

There was a way for Viktor to have more time to rest, relax his schedule and not being so exposed to physical worsening.

My retirement.

Was a mortifying option, and more knowing the last time I brought it up it triggered a breach between the both of us. I remembered sorely, and too well, Viktor’s tears, his hands grabbing me hard by the shoulders and the outrage on the voice. He would never let me —or forgive me— retiring for him to have a loosened routine. 

And still I was willing to do it if necessary.

I could resist his anger, his yells and even if that will suppose something worse for our relationship, but if that was going in his benefit, I wouldn’t hesitate.

All that mattered to me was Viktor to be well, whatever it took.

Maybe my soul was on the ice, but my heart was Viktor's. And you can live without a soul, but with no beats it’s impossible.

So the gold was nonentity, and I knew not obtaining it meant no wedding, but not even that would make me vacillate when taking the best option regarding the wellness of Viktor.

And if that made me selfish, fine. I could live with it knowing that had been for him. I never had pretended to be such an inconvenient, and now was the only I felt I was to Viktor.

It was decided.

“Bad day?”

The unexpected contact of his hands on my chest and his cheek on my shoulder startled me, making me jump. I turned, the air still contained in my lungs due to the scare. The droplets fell soft through his body, causing his hair flatting over his features and his skin shine. The exhaustion was all over his expression, and made my heart ache, more even with the thoughts I was just having.

His pupils became smaller instantly, giving him an alarmed appearance.

“Yuuri,” he raised his hands to my face, placing them on its sides, caressing under my eyelids with the fingertips of his thumbs, gently. “are you crying?”

I didn’t realize, but apparently I was. The redness in my eyes had betrayed me. I shivered, not ready yet to tell him the reason. I wasn’t prepared mentally enough.

“What happens?” he whispered, careful.

A lashing of guilt shaken me inside at the moment I shattered in his hands with a gasp, tears and a broken sob. It wasn’t like that how I expected to start the conversation, but I couldn’t hold it more. I approached and buried my face in his neck, searching refuge in his proximity.

“I can’t anymore, Vitya.”

“What?” he uttered with confusion.

“I'm retiring. I can’t do it.”

“Yuuri, what are you saying?”

He tried to detach me to look me in the eye, but I held on his back. I didn’t want him to see me, embarrassed like I was for being so weak. I hoped to make things easy, stand come what may, win gold and marry at last. But my fear for him took all down.

“I’m sorry.”

“No. Yuuri, no.” his voice expressed a deep roughness, grabbing me by my arms, trying again to separate ourselves a bit. “Look at me, please, for goodness sake.”

At the end I let him to, but with my gaze fixed in his chest, sobbing. He returned his hands on my cheeks, putting up my look. His eyes were anxious and that broke me more.

“What’s wrong? Tell me.”

“Everything.” all I had retaining for weeks seemed to fall upon that word, sounding like a paper being sharped in pieces.

The confusion mixed with worry deep in his pupils.

“This morning you were totally committed, motivated. Why…? What happened that has made you say this now?”

“That I can’t anymore.”

“What you can’t do anymore?” he seemed frenetic, flustered. “Yuuri, I don’t understand.”

“I can’t…” the words were piling up on the tip of my tongue, wanting to leave my mouth on an incoherence gush. “See you sacrifice so much, always tired, without a break. If you weren’t training me… I don’t want you to be like this.”

He took a few seconds in which seemed to process my sentence, and his eyes filled with sorrow immediately after, softening.

“If you don’t remember” he started, voice totally smoothed. “I accepted to train you, _I wanted to_ , and I was aware of the consequences.  So don’t you dare to think it’s your fault. And by the way, I’m fine with it.”

“Then,” I stuttered. “why you had to repeat tests in the medical checkup?”

“They had to repeat me the blood test because it was contaminated. Jeez, Yuuri, I’m perfectly. That’s what worries you?”

So, he was fine?

I took my gaze away, even more embarrassed about my reaction but at the same time feeling an infinite relieve. I was still concerned, nevertheless knowing his physical state was as usual was liberating. It didn’t mean he wasn’t exposed to risk anyway, but that made a difference.

“Yes, sort of.” I muttered.

“And you’ve been all these days thinking that?”

I nodded, aside that the truth was my worries started a lot of weeks before; the suspicion that the checkup went wrong only made it worse.

His fingers relaxed his grab on my face’s skin, stroking benignly, calming.

“Why you didn’t ask me before?”

Still unable to look at him, I shrugged my shoulders in response. I didn’t know what to say. I was feeling the biggest paranoid in history.

“Yuuri, if you’re truly worried about my health, don’t scare me like this.”

His derisive tone clearly had the intention to make me smile, but I still had the anguish flying on my mind.

“You aren’t still standing your ground, right?”

I furrowed, not sure if I still was considering my retirement or not. The major reason was his physical state, and now I knew everything was well and he was able to proceed with the season exempt of serious health problems, I was calmer. That might do more tolerable the brief time together we were having. The priority was him.

Since I didn’t reaction at his words, Viktor probably had taken it like an affirmation and filled with alarm once more, searching my gaze with his.

“Yuuri, you can’t do this to me again. _You can’t_.”

His desperation pierced my chest like a lance, direct to my heart. I opened my mouth to correct, but he had been faster. He stopped grabbing my face to embrace himself.

“It’s because you aren’t well with me? It’s that? Because of it you don’t want to continue?” the words were wild, full of fear.

“No! That’s not it! Vitya, I only was worried for you. That’s all.”

His gaze was down for a second, pensive, to search mine after.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“It’s just that… I had the feeling lately that you were a bit… Distant.” he shrieked, seeming resented.

That certainly got me off guard.

“Oh. I wasn’t pretending to…” I babbled. “I had a lot on my head. I didn’t want to make you think…”

I cursed myself inside. All of that had the intention for him to be better, and had turned the opposite. I had been so concerned in giving him space to rest and worrying, that the image I projected had been totally different.

“I won’t retire.” I hurried to say, desperate to fix it. “I was only overwhelmed. This has gone out of hands. I didn’t want to give you a bad time.”

He breathed deep, with shoulders down.

“Are you angry?” I whispered.

“Yes. I don’t like you to isolate me off. You should have told me before and save us displeasures.”

“I’m sorry.”

After a sigh left him, he closed his eyes for a while.

“Let’s finish showering.” he said, voice totally flat.

I nodded even having a lot to say still. Viktor seemed more exhausted after that and I didn’t want to push him.

As fast as I could, I lathered me up and rinsed to let him shower in calm.

I waited in the kitchen, sitting on a chair, feeling incredibly stupid. Once more I had let my thoughts betray me. I should have listened to Phichit and stay calm, without letting it bog me. And everything for talking about our lack of sex.

The rest of the night was filled with huge silences and short scant phrases.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’ve been so stupid.”

Iván closed his locker, backing in it after, facing me.

“I think sincerely that he overreacted.”

I sighed.

Viktor left that morning before I woke up, without leaving a note or something, how he usually did. I had been hitting where hurt him the most for days, trying to make the situation lighter. I understood that he was upset. My behavior had been easy to confuse and silly. While in that months I tried to help him to exteriorize, at the end, I was the one who ate his worries and feelings.

“No.” I furrowed. “He was so sorrowful when I told him at the Final I was retiring, and yesterday I did it again.”

“Not the same. Last night, that was for him, for his well-being. You would have left everything only for him to have all the time in exclusivity.”

“He doesn’t want it. Is doing his best and I’ve been selfish.”

Iván laughed out loud and looked at me with incredulity.

“Selfish? You? Come on, Yuuri! _That’s_ stupid.”

“Think about it. He’s killing himself to give me the best preparation possible, and I only thought about me, in my worries, without counting that this is hard for him too. That’s selfish.”

His expression turned serious all of the sudden. He approached, kneeing in front of me, placing a hand on my thigh.

“Yuuri… Do you hear yourself? You have given everything for Vitya. You still give everything for Vitya. You moved in here leaving your life back, caring about all to free him of doing it and, you truly believe he’s killing himself? Actually, you’re the only one carrying all: your careers, relationship and life in general. Your worries were for him. So, do you think he have to make you feel bad for having a crisis? Fuck, Yuuri, with the amount of things you have on your shoulders, I’d had it weeks ago.”

I wanted to protest, defend Viktor, say that he wasn’t pretending to make me feel bad, that I was who did it to him. But couldn’t. The words didn’t go out of my mouth.

“You can’t go on like this. Every day your anxiety is worse and he’s not making it easier. You will go crazy at this rate. And, okay, I know he is not doing this on purpose, it’s his way of being, but this doesn’t mean you have to let it go.”

I inclined my head, downcast, confused. I didn’t know anymore who had the fault. Probably, the both of us, but Iván were right in that his behavior was hurting me.

“Yuuri, I’m nobody to interfere in this, but you truly need to become a little independent of him and be able to have some time without worry. It’s healthy, you know? You have your own life. Not everything revolves around Vitya.”

Iván being certain turned me off.

“Okay.” he stood up suddenly. “Pick up your things. We're leaving.”

“What?” I raised my head towards him, who already hanged his backpack on his shoulders, totally confused. “Where?”

“To have fun, obviously! I’m gonna make you stop having this glum face once and for all. For tonight you’ll be a normal young man and leave this househusband facet.”

“Iván, I don’t…”

“No excuses!” He cut me off, with a smile.

“But Vitya…”

“Oh, no!” he cut me off once more, grabbing my arm and making me get up. “No Vitya for a few hours.”

“But I have to tell him.”

He tilted his head, a bit annoyed.

“Come on, Yuuri, you’re an adult. No need to go warning him about everything you’re going to do. And we won’t come back late, I promise. So it’s unnecessary to tell Vitya.”

“Are you sure?” I pressed my lips, insecure.

“Yes.” he nodded with some exasperation. “It will be short while. I swear.”

The night hadn't fallen yet when we arrived. Iván drove us to what seemed some thematic bar, not far from the rink.

“I had the hope that this was still open.” he said, glad, when parking in front of it. “I discovered it when I was a teen. And if it’s like then, we have guaranteed a good time.”

I stared at the color-changing neon in the facade, which form was like a large earthenware pitcher tilted to a side.

“It’s called Dionysius’ tavern. It has Mediterranean setting, more or less.” he explained.

The word “Mediterranean” produced me a lump in the throat, due to the memories of being in Barcelona with Viktor.

Iván opened the door for me and, right after, my ears where filled with a type of music I hadn’t heard before, rhythmic, voices lightly robotic and which seemed made exclusively to be danced. The place was pretty simple: floor of black marble, with various round and fluffy white couches where people drank and laughed, and a dancefloor at the end. It was more spacious than it seemed by the outside.

He led me to the counter, lighten in blue, where some barmen were serving non-stop. I admired the colorful bottles behind them while Iván shouted something in Russian at one of the guys.

Soon after, we had four shots in front of us, two red and two half yellow half orange. I fixed my eyes in Iván.

“I’m not going to drink.”

“How come?”

“I don’t process well alcohol. Gets me out of control.” the photos of that fatidic banquet still haunted me.

Iván talked before my mind flew to Viktor once more.

“Do it, then!”

“Not a good idea.”

“Well,” he made a reluctant face. “drink those at least and I won’t insist more. A few aren’t a big deal.”

That was true, but I wasn’t sure anyway. Though, I nodded, and Iván, with an expectant smile, pointed the red one.

“This is inspired in Ares, Greek god of war. So gulp down, or you’ll regret.”

That wasn’t a pretty charming incentive. He took his and made a gesture to toast. Following his instructions, I drank it all at once and, a second after, I was coughing, my esophagus burning like hell. Iván roared with laughter, probably at my expression.

“What’s this made of?” I uttered with difficulty, owed to my scalded tongue, putting the glass away from me.

“Absinthe and redcurrant liquor. Try this.” he fingered the other. “It’s Zelus, much sweeter.”

I grabbed it fast, preferring to end that posthaste, but, to my surprise, my mouth filled with a pleasant sweet flavor.

“Better?” he said, eyes shining towards me.

Smiling, I nodded, already feeling the alcohol effects rising to my cheeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I ended up trying more gods in a shot and cocktail form, forgetting my worries and laughing because of Iván’s jokes, both standing on the counter.

“Let’s dance, Yuuri!” exclaimed Iván all of the sudden.

“What?” I laughed when he took my arm, leading me to the dancefloor. “No!”

“Don‘t be shy!”

The couples there got my attention: bodies clinging and sweaty, hands going through really intimate places, all hip’s movements and faces inches away. I swallowed, nervous. I was comfortable with Iván, but I wouldn’t let him do that to me. Only one person was allowed to touch me like that.

Lucky me, the song changed when we arrived there, one less harsh and more cheerful, making instantly the dancers increase their ream of moves and leave behind the extreme approaching. I almost sighed in relieve.

One of Iván’s hands interlaced with mine, driving me to spin over my own self. I laughed because it imbalanced me lightly.

Soon, when I was in higher spirits, I got carried away by the well-known sensation and let it surround all my body.  Iván was obviously more used to move under that kind of music, so I let him take the lead. Maybe was the alcohol or because I was enjoying it, but that his hands grabbed my hips to spin me sometimes didn’t bother me, nor the proximity either.

“You are so awesome, Yuuri!” he said at some point in the dance. “Truly handsome!”

I only roared while he filled me up with compliments about how fast I learned and putted my hair aside when it didn’t let me see.

Having so much fun made me feel like I hadn’t laughed for entire years, taken by the music and the heat, freed, never minding about everything that tortured me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Iván had to take me in the front side of the bike to be sure I wouldn’t fall. When we arrived at the door of my block, I got off the vehicle, stumbling. Iván had enough reflexes to catch me before I smashed against the pavement. I laughed at the faintness of my body, and raised my gaze up, to the large window on the third floor, which was dark.

“Vitya is already sleeping? What time is it, Vanya?” I turned around, taking off the helmet and giving it to him, the words heavy on my tongue.

He gave me my bag in exchange, which he had just taken out from the compartment of the bike, and looked at his wristwatch.

“One o’clock.”

I furrowed. We had been out for almost five hours.

“You promised we were going to be back soon.”

“It’s soon.”

I tilted my head and regretted it instantly, unbalancing. Iván was about to catch me again, but I was already mended.

“Do you want me to go upstairs with you?”

“No. I can do it.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, yes.” I smiled and walked to the door.

I spent a literal minute to find the keys in my bag, another to find the correct one and the last to put it into the lock.

“See?” I turned to him, triumphal.

“Unfortunately, I do.” he laughed. “With any luck you’ll get in home before sunrise.”

“How encouraging.” I made a face, but ended laughing too. “See you tomorrow, Vanya.”

“See you.”

I dragged myself to the elevator, going inside. All the way up, I stayed backed in one of the walls of it, looking the dim light on the ceiling, surrounded by the brief sound of the thing moving.

Would be Viktor angry still? Probably, and even more. But I hadn’t done anything wrong, right? Just go out with a friend for a while. He couldn’t be mad for that.

When the elevator opened, I walked supporting myself on the wall, to the right door. A doubt about going in appeared, suddenly making me panic.

Of course he was going to be angry. I didn’t tell him I was going to go out, nor where, nor when I was going to be back. He would be ballistic.

I sighed. Now it was a lost cause. It had been done. I had my mind too murky and the body weak to search for an alternative.

As silent as possible, I tried to put the key in the lock for a couple of minutes, but the door opened before I had accomplished it. Under the darkness of the inside, I faced fully at Viktor’s shady expression.

Yes. He was angry.

“I thought you were sleeping.” was the only thing my brain had been able to process in front of the terror that caused his eyes fixed in me.

“Sleeping?” his aggressive tone was intimidating. “Sleeping?” he repeated, raising his voice. “Do you think I’d be sleeping when you're missing, with your mobile off and without any clue of how you are?”

I could not hold his gaze more. He was _really_ upset.

“I just went out for a while.” I muttered.

“A while?” he said with fury again. “It’s one in the morning.”

I stayed quiet, looking at the floor. He was right, I should have told him anyway, despite whatever Iván said, but his tone was making me feel terribly hurt. After our talk in the shower, those hadn't been the first words I had expected from him. Aside of how worried I would have been, I would never have talked to him like that.

“How much did you drink?” he demanded, without lowering his angriness.

“What does it matter?”

“It does.”

“No. It doesn’t.”

“To me, yes, it does matter.” his rage was on every word. What the heck was happening to him?

I raised my eyes slowly to his, full of the same fire that tinged his voice. Behind me I heard the neighbor’s door opening. I didn’t dare to turn myself around at what seemed a hard complaint, probably due to the shouts in the middle of the night. Viktor apologized, and the door closed afterwards.

The silence felt heavy between us. Viktor moved out of the way, pressing me to get inside the apartment. I hesitated, knowing the discussion was going to continue after the slam. And that’s how it went.

“You’ve been with Iván, right?”

I left my bag right to the sofa, facing him instantly when I noticed a subtle jealousy in his words. Still astonished by his behavior, I stayed hushed.

Due to my lack of response, he approached, the fury increasing in his eyes.

“Answer.”

His attitude started to annoy me too. He hadn’t enough reasons to be like that.

“And what if I’ve been with him?” I replayed with certain roughness.

Viktor’s pupils became terrifically small, at the same time his body tensed up. I saw he squeezed his fists until it seemed its knuckles were going breach the skin.

“Where.”

I didn’t want to talk. That interrogation was out of place.

“Yuuri. Where.”

I took a step backwards due to his inquiring, looking away.

“I don’t want to talk now.” I said, starting to walk to the bedroom. I was hurt, and a discussion then, and with his state, was a poor idea.

“Don’t give me the cold shoulder, Yuuri.” he grabbed me by the arm.

Even he didn’t do it hard and wasn’t painful, the gesture offended me deeply.

“In a bar, Dionysius’ tavern.” I said while turning around, irate. “Now let me go, and tomorrow, when you had calmed down, we’ll talk.”

Something in that name caused him to make a furious face, twisting his expression absolutely, but even like this he freed me. His eyes went down, and I heard him make a choked panting.

“What’s with you?” his reactions were confusing me.

I understood he was angry, but that was too much.

Right after, he looked at me through his eyelashes, eyes dark in his totality, which could have broken me in pieces if they would had that capacity.

“What’s with me?” the calm in his words was more horrific than the rage before. “You dare to ask me, after going out without even telling me, with Iván,” the name tinged with rage in his voice. “and you come back this late, smelling like alcohol and cologne, and you’re really asking _what’s with me_?”

He bended a bit backwards, a hand in his chest and laughed full of disbelief.

“I can’t believe it… You’re disposed to make me suffer, no?”

“What? I’m not…” the words died at his intervention.

“Then explain to me what are you doing, because I don’t get it!”

The shout made me step back.

“You say you’ll always be with me, that you’re going to win the gold, and then that you want to retire. You say we have a future, that I’m everything to you, and at the slightest you’re around with Iván as if it was nothing. So if you have to say something to me, do it, but don’t fuck me over.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Every single word felt like a stab.

Viktor didn’t realize about anything, not of a single one thing. Maybe the exteriorization of my worries had been awful, but my love for him was in every step of mine, and that suddenly he was implying it was inexistent, finished breaking me.

The tears started to arise from my eyes without control.

“That’s what you think I’m doing? _Fucking you over_? How you dare? Do you have an idea of how these months have been for me? I do everything I can to make this work, eating all my personal interests, feeling almost always alone, waiting for you constantly, loving you unconditionally even when you are gloomy out of nowhere and despite I did nothing else but show I’m here and you’re angry because I went out _one night_ with a friend because I’m drowning and I need to stop worrying for a while?” I made up to talk between sobs. “Yesterday, for once, I needed to talk to you, real talking, because I was having a crisis. And you turned it, like I was the one hurting you, and even like this I let it go, since I didn’t want to bother because you were tired. Every single thing I do daily has been for you. That’s fuck you over?”

I couldn’t continue. My voice was too broken. I dried my tears, refusing to look at him. All I had been feeling for so long had just left like a wave of lemon and blades through my throat, shattering me. I wanted to tell it to him in the peace of a simple conversation, and not due to his rage and his insinuations. It wasn’t fair.

“That’s why you like him? Because it’s easier?”

That was the last I needed to be totally broke. I fixed my eyes in Viktor, searching for a sign that I imagined it, but he was expectant for an answer. That’s why he was so furious. That’s he had been referring about that all the time.

I made a desperate panting, not knowing if I was more gutted about him didn’t recognizing my effort or thinking my mood was because I was replacing him.

“Unbelievable! After everything I just said you think _I like Iván_? God!” the tears seemed to rip my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands, taken by desperation.” _God_! You don’t even listen to me, right?”

I stood there, sobbing, swallowed up by all the feelings that were whipping me, and Viktor said nothing.

“All I did was for you to not having to struggle with nothing more than skating. I took all on since we started living together, because I was worried in case I was being a burden and wanted to compensate it someway. Even when I’ve been at the worse and I needed you, I was containing myself, as my priority above all was you, and didn’t want to add worries. What I said yesterday was due to my fear about this surpassing you, that something bad could happen to you, and was the only that came to my mind to solve it. I would have renounced if that was in your benefit. There hasn’t been a second I haven’t thought about you. All my head is full of you at any hour. And I don’t understand how you could even consider I’m feeling something for someone that’s not you. I don’t know how to make you see, Vitya… I’m tired…”

All my strength was escaping for every pore of my skin, through my tears that fled from my eyes, without being able to avoid it. I felt exhausted, drunk and broken, despite I let everything out.

“I’m done.” I whispered. “I can’t anymore.”

I moved away to the bedroom without looking at him and hoping he stayed there. Once alone, I changed my clothes, the tears not stopping nor a single moment. Makkachin was curled on the bed, seeming scared. When I laid there, she approached and licked my face, letting me hug her and cry my heart out buried in her fur.

That night I slept with Makkachin by my side, only the two of us on the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's funny how I had no clue of how express this chapter and ended up being the longest, for now.
> 
> I don't know when I'll post again. At the end of this week I have a last exam and I'll be totally free. 
> 
> Until then, I hope you enjoy, as always <3
> 
> The angst is coming... or not. 
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	4. Help me to carry the fire (we'll keep it alight together)

Everything was totally quiet. The sound of the traffic on the street or the faint breathe near me were barely noticeable. As I half opened my eyes, I stared fully at Makkachin’s fur. She thinly hadn’t moved from my side and her unconditional support almost made me smile. But the night’s memories hit me too fast.

I sat on the bed, with a slight hammering on my head due to the alcohol drank the day before, and the grayish light entering by the window seemed to complement my muddy and sleepy thoughts.

Barely believing that that had happened, his words still flew over me painfully, making my respiration break.

Be a bit drunk gave me some bravery, making everything sprout from me openly, and I was grateful for it, all you could be in a situation like that.

That was the first real fight we had ever. And the residual sensation was horrible.

The memory of what happened in perspective seemed dim, like it had been a nightmare, but for that very reason my feelings were magnified.

I didn’t know how to face it. Considering how the conversation ended, I wasn’t totally sure if I was prepared to talk. All I could think about were his irate words, his rage eyes and the deep pain that caused me.

Everything I had ever wanted was him to realize, to see what I was doing, because I loved him. I didn’t even need that expressed it with words, noticing was enough.

But as more I thought about it more the vision of the situation started to transform.

I should have told him my feelings no matter what; the way I showed it was like the fault belonged to Viktor in exclusivity, and it wasn’t. He always gave me all clear to talk about whatever. Probably we would have saved that bad time if that had been so. And repassing mentally the conversation, I said some things pretty hurtful too.

That didn’t play down how he hit the roof, but the both of us had part of fault anyway.

Furthermore, freed from the alcohol’s effect, I felt more receptive. Because of my burst, all I had now were his brief inquisitive speech and his angry pose, but I was the one that had really talked about how was feeling. And I wanted to know his version, needed to, and maybe then I could understand that behavior.

I knew him well and wasn’t an ill-tempered person. He had to have reasons to be that furious.

But, for the moment, my courage only arrived to slip away from the bed and take a shower, getting rid of the sweat and liquors trail the night left on my body. At least that was easily to weed out.

Once dressed with the most comfortable I found, I tried to find my glasses, until remembering I left them on my bag the day before and which was probably still right by the sofa. So it seemed I had to stay without them for a while more.

After that, sitting on the bed's bottom, I took some time to breath in order to regulate the beating of my uncontrolled heart.

I wanted to talk to him, definitely. The problem was how. I didn't know what his mood would be. Maybe he was angry, or hurt, or upset. I couldn’t psych myself up about something in particular.

In an outburst of assurance, thinking I would manage whatever it was, I stood up and went through the door. All couples had fights and went out of it. Not a big deal.

But at the first step I took out from the room the insecurity arrived and I almost turned back, if it hadn’t been because something caught my attention.

The first noticeable was the cleaner’s light scent in the ambient; after, something that scented like dough or similar. Hesitant and confused, I approached slowly to the kitchen, but when I heard a curse of pain in Russian I speeded up my pace.

Viktor was standing in front of the cooktop, wearing an apron, grabbing his right hand. He just cut himself.

He jumped a bit at my presence, fixing his gaze on me, his pupils shrinking, and probably I would have felt the weight of the situation if weren’t because I was only concentrated on the blood that arose unduly from his wound.

Without saying anything, I approached, pushing aside my thoughts that we weren’t well, and taking his hand in mine I took him to place it under the tap’s water. Sensing his eyes on me all the time, along with the tension in his body, I waited for the hemorrhage to bleed less. I opened a drawer to get a rag and give it to him.

“Put pressure on it. I’ll be right back.”

I made a fast visit to the bathroom searching for iodine and bandage, and when I returned Viktor was backed against the countertop, taciturn, following my instructions. Still with no words, I took away the rag from his hands. The wound was nothing serious, despite the excessive bleeding.

I put iodine, blowing on it to dry it a bit before start bandaging. Meanwhile, I had a brief look on the objects that were through the marble: bowls, a whisk, eggshells, flour… But, when I saw the piece of butter half cut and the bloodstained knife, I couldn’t help to smile. Only Viktor was able to hurt himself cutting butter.

“You should be more careful.” I said.

He said nothing, and I didn’t raise my head to see him due to his unsettled pose. I had a knot in my stomach, being aware that at some point we would have to talk about what had happened, but after his clumsy accident I felt lighter. That was a Viktor I knew better, and wasn’t like that was the first time I saw him jealous and angry. And yes, this time went too far, but in that occasion he climbed up to the roof of the Ice Castle to scream and stretch. I knew perfectly how extra he was and how dramatic he could be. In fact, all went like that because everything came out in the worst possible way. However, the certainty that I loved him was invulnerable.

So, being together in such a daily situation, even with the circumstances that concerned us, all that went blur and I was more willing to lay the cards on the table, fix it once and for all. It wasn’t a problem for me to admit that I couldn’t be mad at him for long, even if trying with all my strength. And considering the brief time for us we had, I was totally reluctant to spend it annoyed.

“What were you making?” I said, trying to smooth the tension.

I noticed he shrunk himself. Because of his lack of response, I searched for his eyes, and by surprise for me, I did not find them. He had his head down enough to be covered with his hair.

“Blinis.” he answered with an almost inaudible whisper.

See him so downcast was pretty awful. Actually, I hated it. I wanted so desperately to see his big heart-shaped smile again. That awkwardness that was in the space left between us felt unnatural; it was nearly aberrant.

“Done.” I informed when tying the bandage with a knot.

Viktor muttered a light gratitude, not changing the pose. 

I thought that maybe was him who wasn’t like talking, and was understandable because the hurt had been bilateral, so I refused to force the conversation. I wanted to make things correctly for once. Viktor already knew how I had been feeling —in good part—, although finding out the hard way and me being drunk and down. Solving it urged me, nevertheless I wasn’t going to push him.

“I can finish cooking, if you want.”

He shook his head, still dejected.

“I was…” Viktor pressed his lips, the sentence cut halfway. “I heard you waking up and… I know you like them and wanted to make you the breakfast.”

 _Oh_.

Suddenly I realized what he was doing. That’s why smelled like cleaner. Viktor was doing what I normally did in the mornings. That I started to wake up before him became usual, so I used that time to clean and cook.

Even though it wasn’t much, the detail touched me.

“Fine. I’ll wait then.”

Giving him space, I went to sit at the table. There, seeing how started to rain through the window, I took a few discreet glances at Viktor. He seemed to manage well despite the wound, but his expression had me concerned. Considering what I witnessed, he was probably feeling guilty, or regretted, which meant he had thought about my words. But I wasn’t particularly proud of the way I brought it to the light, because it had hurt for sure; only seeing him was enough evidence.

When he finished, he served the blinis in a plate, along with a coffee mug, which cautiously placed in front of me.

“Thanks.” I uttered.

Right after, he started to clean up and tidy the countertop. I took little bites and sips, the gaze in the droplets on the pane, avoiding making Viktor more uncomfortable.

He approached slowly when over, without raising his eyes from the floor.

“Can I sit with you?” his question was trembling, and even hurtful to hear.

“Of course.” the thought of how much pain I caused without pretending was killing me, but I wouldn’t let it interfere.

His gesture gave me the hope that we could talk finally. I was impatient to end with that bad vibes.

“It was delicious.” I said, pointing the empty plate with my head.

He made a little nod and began to scratch the table surface with his index nail, drawing tiny traces, seeming searching for the right words to say.

“Do you want to talk about…?” Viktor started, faint voice, but no ending the question.

“Yes.” I turned my posture towards to see him.

He bite his lower lip, freeing a heavy sigh and with his eyes closed, furrowed.

“I know my behavior isn’t excusable but _I’m so sorry_.” the words sounded burdensome, broken. “I was out of it. Yesterday I went to the locker room for a moment and, when I was going to enter, I heard you and Iván talking, and he said something about that you should be independent of me, and then you weren’t home… I tried to find you, but your mobile was off, and even you assured me everything was fine, I imagined the worst; I don’t know why. I was afraid that…”

The silence took the place of his speech, filled with thunders and the patter of the rain outside.

He had heard us?

That gave a bit of sense regarding his actions. With the bad time we were going through and as for his fear of losing me, that piece of the conversation could be easily misunderstood. And he did so.

I had the instinct to talk, but I preferred not to. I was going to let him say everything he needed without chipping in. Such as evident as was how hard he was trying to express himself it seemed the best option.

“I don’t know what I had expected acting like that, but my intention wasn’t to hurt or offend you. Actually I was mad at myself because I feared that the reason you were somewhere with Iván was me, and I made you pay for it. I’m a goddamn greedy. I suppose I can’t help it.” he blurted out with a painful laughter. “No matter how much I try, I’m still a mess. I ended making my worst fear real.”

“Don’t say that. And remember I told you in that case, we would solve it.”

I stared at him, stunned, contemplating how big was his fear, that he interpreted even the minor sentence the worst way.

How we ended up like this?

At first I was who feared Viktor disappearing from my life, but after those months I wasn’t even considering it. But for him seemed to happen the opposite: his tougher doubts began when we started to live together. Maybe that hadn’t been a confirmation of our new reality only for me. With the amount of loneliness he had dragged, that I was there with him, having turned his empty apartment in a warm home which we shared now, increased his concerns about it breaking out at any moment and returning to be alone and cold. And fear was, probably, the ablest feeling to make you entire irrational.

Maybe I had been underestimating it; apparently it was something that would need more than a few cuddles when made an appearance.

Viktor freed a snort.

“You’re too good, Yuuri.”

“I’m not going to keep it in mind forever.”

“You should.”

“You are being too hard on yourself.”

This time, he changed his posture in the chair, facing at my direction, gaze fixed in mine finally, and the torture reflected in it made me gooseflesh.

“Really? You wouldn’t say that if you had seen yourself yesterday. You were totally devastated; I’m not going to get that image out easily of my head. I’m no worthy of so much compassion after yelling and inquiring you. I’m enormous moron for being jealous when you didn’t do anything more than show you love me. And the worse is that I didn’t even realize about one single thing, nor how you felt, nor what you were doing, nor how awful I was being, nor _a single fucking thing_.”

His lower lip trembled a bit, and, deeply dejected, lowered his head, not allowing me to see his eyes once more.

“And what you mean with that?” I muttered. “What you think I should do?”

He sighed, swallowing the words that for sure were around his head.

“Fine. You hurt me, it’s true. You were inquisitive, yelled at me and didn’t pay attention to my effort outside the ice. And I felt offended because you distorted my crisis and thought I liked Iván after everything I did to prove I love you, but, do you think having hard feelings about it is going to solve anything? Because, you know what? I messed up a lot too, I hurt you and I’ve been silly, and I feel guilty for it, but I am not trying to boycott myself. 

He raised his head, the features covered by anguish and mouth half open in disbelief.

“What? You didn’t do anything. I’ve been who…”

“I haven’t told you.” I cut him. “In all these weeks. I've been such a stubborn thinking it would bother you or would make everything harder. You were right: I had isolated you off me, fed your fears, and I understand you were angry. If I had been honest, we won't be like this now.”

“But I should have realized.” he shook his head furiously. “You tried to explain it to me and I didn’t listen.”

I tilted my head, along with a sigh.

“Okay. That’s true. Anyway, I’m sorry. I have wanted to carry too much alone and that’s not your fault. I shouldn't have blamed you for it.”

He pressed his lips with resignation, and I saw a well-known sparkle in his gaze, which always appeared every time I was right, even when was for worse.

“Regardless, I should have done my bit. And I don’t want you to smooth it.” he uttered, serious. “No matter that you had been holding it back, or that it has been your choice, we are together in this. It should have come out from me. That doesn’t exonerate me anyway.”

He rested his side in the chair’s back, looking crestfallen.

“I do not want you to exonerate yourself. I want you to understand.”

He kept quiet, restarting scratching the table’s wood with his nail.

“Let’s talk about it, find a solution to avoid this to happen again, and that’s it. It’s useless to rummage in what we hadn’t done well. That’s something we know more than enough by now.”

I sighed, for the millionth time that morning, due to his lack of answer; always so stubborn. Sitting fully in his direction, approaching, with our knees touching, I searched through the surface of the table his hand, interlacing them, with our rings together.

“My love, I’m not even upset. I just want for us to be fine.”

His fingers squeezed mine, and bring my hand to his lips, placing a kiss on it.

“Yuuri, sometimes I think you’ve fallen from the sky.” he whispered, his nose placed on my skin.

“Just trying to love you right.”

“Exactly for that reason.”

“Loving you is easy.”

“I’m not that sure.”

“I said "loving you", not "standing you".” I joked, and the brief laugh he made because of it was totally sweet.

“How mean.”

He got down our hands to his lap, looking me with a brief smile still, and, even with a certain distress remaining, his expression was more relaxed.

“We should improve our communication.” I said, and he nodded.

“And we should share up the tasks. No more you taking all on.”

“Okay. And we should clarify everything before anything.”

“I agree.”

“There’s not much I have to say by now, but I think you do.”

“Well,” he tilted his head a bit. “yes.”

Viktor furrowed, adopting a preoccupied aspect suddenly.

“Please, Yuuri, _please_ , when you are going out, tell me. I have no problem if you do so, just… Tell me. I got so worried yesterday.”

“I know.” I made a guilty grimace. “I’m sorry. And there’s a thing I want to know, as for Iván…”

Viktor lowered his gaze for a few seconds to his lap where were our hands.

“Why you thought I felt something for him? I’m aware I haven’t been well these days, but even so, for you to think like that…”

He took a while to think, examining thoroughness my features.

“I think I was jealous about him being able to spend so much time with you while I couldn’t. It has been totally irrational. It’s not like you gave me reasons or something. Maybe I’ve been mindless and didn’t realize you were suffering, but I’ve been aware of how less time we have had for us. So, that somebody was filling that time, made me afraid. I know Iván well and he’s really able to make you feel good when you’re more than worse; it’s easy to be dazzled by him.”

Well, that confirmed my theory of how Iván and Viktor ended up together in the past. Viktor just thought it was happening again with me.

“But now you know I don’t feel anything for him, right? He’s only my friend.”

“Yes.” he nodded. “And I’m sorry for getting mad because of that but… The place he took you to… I didn’t pretend to imply you did something with him. You aren’t like that and I trust you, I didn’t even think you had really fallen for him, but…” he huffed, sour-faced. 

He pressed his lips in signal that didn’t want to pronounce the continuation of that sentence.

“What’s with that place? It was pretty normal.”

I remembered well his reaction at hearing the bar’s name. He had been angry, but that made him really hit the ceiling.

Viktor doubted.

“That’s not it. He used to take me there too. The night we first went there was the same we started to sleep together. And…” he cleared his throat, clearly embarrassed. “I don’t know.”

“Oh.”

It took me a while to understand what was hidden beyond the simplicity of the words.

“Wait. You thought he felt something for me?”

His response was only a shrug of shoulders, inhibited. I couldn’t help but smile of pure tenderness by his soft aspect.

“Definitely you gave it a further thought, darling. Trust me. We’re only friends.”

“I’ve seen him around you, okay? And I know how easy is to fall in love with you.”

“Well,” that made me flush a little. “and if that was the case, what? It wouldn’t matter. Or don’t you remember? There’s nobody better in this world than you.”

He produced a guttural sound, making me laugh. I raised my free hand to caress him a bit.

“I think now I understand better your fears, but orient me if necessary, even if what you feel is the most irrational in the universe.”

He nodded, surrounded to my touch.

“What I fear the most is hurting you. You were sure I wouldn’t, but I knew it was inevitable.”

“You’re wrong. I knew it. The thing is that, just like you were that night, admit you were right didn’t seem a good option to me.”

Viktor uttered a snort, and I noticed immediately the fake outrage implied in it.

“I’m going to omit you treated me like a fool for the sake of this conversation.”

“Come on!” I laughed. “I wanted to cheer you up.”

“Sure, sure.”

We laughed together, and it felt relieving after so much misunderstandings and hard times. But it hadn’t ended yet.

Apparently more relaxed, he caressed with his thumb my hand’s skin, squeezing it a bit, and seemed thoughtful.

“I know yesterday you told me how you felt, but,” he said after a while. “is there something more? Like your crisis. It was for that too or…?

“Hmm,” I swallowed, and laughed nervously because now seemed foolish. “kind of.”

Expectant and with all his attention in me, he waited for my explanation.

“The truth is that I was much more than worried for you.” I rubbed my neck, self-conscious. “I… Uhm… I was afraid that something _really bad_ could happen to you.”

“Yes. You’ve told me already.” his expression showed the confusion about me apparently saying it once more.

“No. You didn’t get it.” I made a grimace. “Due to how much you has been working, and believing something went wrong in the checkup, I was considering _the worse of the worse_.”

Despite my emphasizing, he seemed to still not follow me, furrowing his forehead.

“What you mean?”

I made a grunt, frustrated. I didn’t want to say it. That thought had been because of the pressure I was under, and now it was really embarrassing me. But we were clarifying everything, so there wasn’t any other option.

“That you… Could pass away suddenly.”

He remained inexpressive, only with his eyes fixed in me, without saying a word. Nervous, I started to fast talking.

“I know that it hadn’t any type of basis, well, yes, _paranoia_ , but that wasn’t impossible, and lately you were more exhausted than usual, and you’ve been for years at non-stop and…”

“I’m such a jerk.” he said between my speech, so I stopped.

This time the confused one was me.

“What?”

“That’s why you were so distressed… And I gave you a scolding…” he sighed, his expression turning guilty. “Oh, Yuuri… I’m so sorry…”

“It’s okay. It really went out of hands and I calmed down knowing you’re fine.

My affirmation seemed not to totally convince him, but he resigned anyway.

“Anything else?” Viktor hesitated.

And totally sure, I shook my head, making him free a snort of relieve.

It was over. And at the end hadn’t been such a big deal.

But my relief didn’t last long, because I suddenly realized which day was and what was supposed that we should be doing.

Viktor was a bit shocked due to my muffled gasp.

“It’s Saturday. We had practice.”

“Yes.” he openly laughed. “But it doesn’t matter. We can take the day off, if you want.”

I relaxed and nodded. We stared at each other for a while, until Viktor talked again.

“I want to make you up for everything, Yuuri.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But _I want to_. Let me spoil you for all these weeks.”

When he pronounced that, I knew for sure I couldn’t deny it.

“Okay.”

Viktor smiled, and, without even thinking it, I ended with the distance, kissing him. The both of us drowned in the other, between sighs and needy gasping. I felt like I hadn’t kissed him in centuries.

At the end, when my lungs claimed for air, I had to break the kiss, but I put my hands on his nape and placed my forehead in his. We laughed, the relief and the happiness of being together taking over us. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Viktor raised a tea cup to his lips. His long hair went down his shoulders, shiny like a waterfall, its color the purest silver ever. He was beautiful; beautifully sad. He seemed so far away even being able to reach him with my hand. Then, he smiled, lightly, with minimum effort, not even turning to look at me. The café’s sounds were far, only being clear the melancholy in the ocean that his eyes were.

“Shall we leave?” he said, looking through the window.

 

_Look at me, Vitya._

 

His room was so dark that even the moonlight entering wasn't giving enough clarity. When he took his shirt off, he seemed that he was going to disappear as his skin was paler than snow. Viktor was an angel, one with invisible wings and broken soul. His dull blue eyes stared at me, inviting, when he sat at the edge of the bed. I went there, taking hard his face in my hands, kissing with an intensity that pretended to wear him down.

It was cold.

There were blue rose petals on the bed.

We made love and he cried incessantly.

 

_Love me, Vitya._

 

I was in front of the mirror, _I was him_.

The tears began to fall down on Viktor’s cheeks, at the same time that he tied his hair in a ponytail. He picked up the scissors that were in the sink, opening and positioning them where the hair tie was, the chest moving painfully up and down because of the whines. The sound of the first bangs being cut by the sinister blades of the scissors made a cry sprout from the deepest of his throat, one terrible, full of sorrow.  

He continued cutting; more tears, more cries, more sadness.

Soon, the ponytail fell to the floor, untying, the hair losing the brightness that had seconds before. Viktor looked at the hair, then, at his reflection, now his mane short, disheveled, and with his gaze suddenly lost in his own image. 

A figure appeared just right behind him —his face blurred—, their hands grabbing Viktor’s arms, making him put them down, like they was going on a hug. They took the scissors from him, still in embrace. The figure whispered something on his ear —I didn’t hear it well—, and, all of the sudden, griped the object, its tip direct to his nude chest. And in a fierce and fast move, they stabbed him, the scissors piercing the skin, to his heart, and the dark appeared with Viktor’s last breath.

 

_Look at you, Vitya._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up suddenly, gasping, disoriented. The panic took over me lightly, seeing the ambient dark by the greyish light that the storm was producing, until I noticed the arm around my trunk, the warm body resting by my side. I turned fast, desperate to face his eyes.

“Vitya.” I whispered, relieved, when I saw him well.

“Shhh.” he stroked my cheek with his fingertips, softly. I noticed worry in him, but his voice remained calm. “It’s been only a nightmare.”

True, but I still had the dream’s image very vivid. I laid down in my side, facing him, burying my head under his neck while freeing another gasp. I placed a hand in the nudity of his back, making him approach all physically possible. He caressed my hair, not talking, until I calmed down fully.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded, and moved away a bit to see his face.

“You can tell me, if you want. It’s said that if you tell somebody a nightmare, it can’t became real.”

I doubted but, because of that premise, I explained to him as much clearly as I could my dream, from the strange changing place to place, until witnessing everything in first person to see through him after, not omitting the trickier details like all the sadness and the stabbing.

When my explanation ended, he only placed a lock of my hair behind my ear and smiled sweetly.

“Well, as you see, I’m fine.”

“Yes.”

“But I’m starting to think that my death it’s something that gives you a lot of thought. Maybe it should start to offend me.” he joked with a mocking tone.

“Don't be silly.” I laughed inevitably, returning to hide my face under his jaw. “It’s only that maybe all of this has affected me a bit too much.”

“Then,” he grabbed my hips, laying me faced up, putting him on top with a naughty face. “I have to do my best for you to forget it.”

“Hmm? And what are you going to do?” I followed his playfulness, rounding his neck with my arms. I needed desperately take off the nightmare from my mind.

“I have a few ideas.” he placed a couple kisses under my jawline.

Suddenly a memory came to my thoughts, making me laugh and confusing him for it.

“What?” he furrowed.

“I’ve just remembered something.”

“What is it?”

The feeling of the nightmare vanished in a jiffy, replaced by another a lot different. Now that everything was over, see how the muddle began was, at least, to giggle.

“Do you want to know what gave me the crisis?”

“Of course, but,” he moved the hair that covered my forehead, interest in his gaze. “I thought you told me already.”

“Yes, but I mean the real origin of it. Well, what drove me to think too much, at least. The thing is that I called Phichit that night, and he is pretty concerned, to be honest.” I laughed again.

“Phichit? Concerned? He broke his phone?”

I guffawed because, probably, if something could concern Phichit truly in this world, would be that for sure.

“No. It’s because something slightly different, but good point.” I made him go down, our noses touching. “It’s something about you and me.”

I felt the beat of his heart raise through my shirt, and I smiled, sly, my voice velvet-like.

“He said we lack something.”

Phichit’s advice flew on my head, but a better idea appeared all of the sudden. My smile grew bigger, teasing.

“You want to know what it is?” I whispered.

He nodded.

“Then you have to do me a favor.”

“Anything.”

“Fine.” I purred, pleased, and I made him lay on his side. “Close your eyes, and don’t open them until I say so.”

“Okay.” he hesitated a little, clearly puzzled by my instructions, but obeyed.

After a brief laughter, I slipped out of the bed. I moved fast, going to the wardrobe, searching through the drawers. It didn’t take me long to find the pieces of clothing I was searching, and the little white box still brand new. I walked to the bathroom, changing my pajama for what I had just grabbed.

It was strange to see me wearing that again —the black fabric tight, emphasizing the shape of my body, with the shiny jewels going up to my shoulder—, but the confidence I needed to do what I was planning arrived instantly.

Next, I opened the box, taking from its inside a vibrator which was the same color as it. That was one of the gifts Chris made to us when the season ended, but until then I hadn’t had enough valor to try —and that was the most normal one—; probably the other toys would have to remain in the drawer a while more.

I cleaned it and after breathing deeply, I returned to the bed, crawling to Viktor. I tossed the vibrator away, to the bed’s bottom, where he could not see it, and I sat on his lap above the sheets, to avoid him recognizing by touch what I was wearing.

“What were you doing?” Viktor asked, amused but confused. “Can I open my eyes now?”

“Hmmm.” I murmured. “I don’t know.”

“You’re scaring me.” he laughed.

I took a while to contemplate Viktor: how his breathing made his muscles move softly, the way his lips curled when smiling, his tangled hair, the heat of his body starting to settle in my thighs.

The expectation hit me hard. The last time we did it seemed months ago, when the reality was that happened not even a couple weeks ago. I suppose it was because me being inevitably addicted to him.

“Okay. You can.”

It was pleasant to witness how his pupils started to expand and the subtle flush appeared in his cheeks the very instant he opened his eyes. Only for that vision had been worth it. Viktor opened his lips a couple times, like he was going to talk, but, at the end, he just covered his face with his hands, pushing down himself on the pillow with a groan.

“God, Yuuri. You are too much.”

I hinted a racy smile, bending down to him, my hands in his ribs.

“But I haven’t done anything yet.” I whispered with innocence. “Well, if you want me to do so, of course.”

“Are you kidding?”

He leaned up, and me with him, the two of us at a similar level. Viktor put his hands on my hair, interlacing the fingers in it, making me incline enough to be just a few inches away. His breath on my lips set my mind on fire.

“Take me, darling.” his mutter was depth, making me shiver. “Take me, because I’m all yours.”

I captured his lips in mine, submerging my need of him in his own mouth. I kissed him slow, but with the roughness of the desire I felt. Suddenly the costume didn’t seem so good idea. I wanted to feel all the extension of his skin, and I wanted to feel it right away. The exasperation made me go deep in the kiss, licking inside his mouth, biting his lower lip time and time again.

Once we took distance to breath, Viktor looked at me with that intensity that always electrified me.

“I think I’ll build an altar to Phichit for this.” he muttered, grabbing harder my hair.

I laughed and pushed him down, falling in the mattress, returning urgently to his lips. When I noticed desperation in actions too, I hurried to go down his neck, burying my teeth in the whiteness of his skin, leaving a trace of reddish love bites, encouraged by his anxious fingers and high moans. I would have continued, if weren’t because I remembered what was on the bottom of the bed.

“There’s something I want to try.” I said, breathless, at the level of his chest, not going down, only placing brief kisses on it.

“What is it?”

I raised my eyes up to his face, smiling, willing deeply to make him feel good.

“Remember what Chris gave to us?”

“Yes.” he choked.

“I’ve took up one of the things. We can use it, if you like to.”

He looked disconcerted by the sudden purpose, but it didn’t take him long to answer.

“Okay.” Viktor uttered, a bit suffocated.

“Perfect.” I smiled, pleased.

I picked the lube from the nightstand quickly, tossing it to the bed’s bottom too, to return to him, to the kissing down through his body. I was still frustrated for only having my fingers uncovered, so I took my time passing my mouth by his skin, licking, biting. I had missed that sensation so much that I didn’t want to go faster even when my desire hurried me to.

Pushing the sheets aside from both of us, I grabbed the elastic band from his pants and took them away with his help. Then, I leaned over his hips, following the kisses pattern I had left, until my lips arrived to the base of his erection. I went up in it, hearing how his breath turned irregular, arriving to his glans, where I licked with the tip of my tongue. Viktor gasped hard, and I saw how he held onto the pillows. I started to make circles on his glans, going down softly, slowly introducing it in my mouth. He twisted under me, muttering something incompressible for me in Russian, sending another electricity wave through my spine. I maintained the rhythm gentle at the beginning, going up and down, along with my tongue moving and pressing with my lips, making him groan every time more and higher. When I rose up my gaze, searching his, and when I found it Viktor choked, burying himself more in the pillows, eyes closed.

When I stopped, he kept quiet, breathing heavily. I contemplated continuing with the costume on, but I knew it would be uncomfortable for me. At the time I entered my hands under the edge of my pants and Viktor realized, he opened his eyes, and if his pupils were already a big black circle, they almost made the beautiful blue disappear. He stared while I freed my torso from the clothing, expectant.

I grabbed the lube to put some on my fingers, then separating his legs and placing between them. I sent him a questioning gaze, he responding to it with a simple nod, and, right after, covered half of his face with his forearm. Then, I slipped my index finger on his entrance, tempting a bit before pushing it inside. Guiding by the sounds my touch produced in him, I pushed inside one after another, enjoying the vision of his naked body surrendered to the pleasure.

When he was ready enough, I retired my fingers, catching the vibrator behind me. At turning again, he had uncovered himself and was looking at me.

“Are you sure you want to?”

“Yes.” he claimed.

I nodded and put lube on the object, his burning eyes on me. When I rolled the lower part the thing started to vibrate.

“Relax.”

Giving him a racy smile, without looking away, I pushed softly the vibrator inside him, immediately making him scream of pleasure.

“Do you want me to stop?” I teased.

“No… _Fuck, Yuuri_.”

I drank from the way his torso trembled under his wild breathing, his flush, his gasps, which increased every time I changed the vibration of the object, accompanying it with light moves. I thanked Chris in silence. Seeing Viktor like that was the best gift I could have ever asked for.

It took me by surprise when suddenly one of his hands grabbed my wrist, stopping what I was doing. I was going to ask what was wrong, but he leaned up, kneeing in front of me, his hands placing in the sides of my face and kissing me urgently.

“I need you inside me, Yuuri. Now.” he said, choking, his words breaking.

He kissed me again, hard, making impossible for me to even responding. I was that astonished by his reaction that, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have not.

Viktor laid me down crossed on the bed, willing to get rid of the clothing that still covered me. After, he placed on the top of me, biting his lip, desire in his expression.

“Let me touch you.” his petition sounded deeply desperate.

I smiled, putting my hands in Viktor’s nape, approaching him more, and I put my lips near his ear.

“I’m all yours, Vitya.”

He gasped against my neck, instantly after his fingers went down my body, arriving to my cock, and started soft moves on it. I pressed my cheek on his, moaning in his ear, melting under the pleasure.

“It’s enough.” I warned soon, but totally sure that he knew already.

He released me with reluctantly, laying on the mattress above the pillows. I put some lube in my member and right after I put myself on the top of his body, feeling finally his skin, his heat, and that was enough to drive me crazy. I had to breath deep to be able to talk.

“Can I?” It went through my teeth like a gasp.

He nodded, and lining up my cock with his entrance, I pushed it slowly. Once inside, I supported on my forearms at the sides of his head, interlacing my fingers in his hair, and Viktor put his arms under mine, holding himself on my back. It took me a while to start moving. He was so warm, with his loving gaze on me, seeming so ready, that made all my system tremble. When I could reaction, I moved slowly, still overwhelmed by the sensation, catching his gasps in my kisses, invaded with the warmth of his body and his essence. I needed him desperately. I didn’t know how I managed to resist him so much time, how I had lived without that sensation.

His nails started scratching my skin, but the only thig I was fully aware of was the way Viktor looked at me, how well it felt being with him, in him, with all of his reacting to my movements under me, in a deep voice.

“You’re so beautiful.” he whispered between moans. “Yuuri, I love you.”

I gasped, smiling, because I didn’t expect that so suddenly.

“I love you too.”

Gradually I speeded up my moves, surrendered to the way Viktor groaned my name, how his hands held on me with eager, how his legs pushed me towards him all possible. As my head as my body were on the cloud nine, and I had the certainty that I never had been more alive. He always made me feel, without exception, an amount of emotions to the point it seemed that my heart was going to explode.

When I saw that he would come soon, I took his cock in one of my hands in accompaniment to my hips. I had held my own orgasm, and only freed myself when he did too. I was trembling, my body unstable, but I kept in my position to see Viktor’s happy face. He laughed, and I with him, not being able to express how good I felt. Pushing me down, he kissed me, still smiling while doing it.

Sometime, we laid down side by side, without breaking the kisses and the gazes.

“It was supposed that I had to spoil you, not the opposite.” he made a grimace.

“It doesn’t matter.” I laughed.

“Of course it does.”

I shook my head, amused, due to his stubbornness. Viktor started to caress my back with his hand, his forehead touching mine. We had been like that for a few minutes, cuddling, recovering and relaxed with the sound of our breathings and the rain.

“Yuuri.” he said all of the sudden.

“Hmm?”

“Why we don’t get married?”

I furrowed, surprised by the unexpected question. It was obvious.

“If you don’t remember, somebody said that, until I win the gold, nothing.”

It was his condition. He said it in front of everybody, not more not less.

“Fine, I retract it.”

My mind stopped cold. A while after I could process if he was fooling me or not, but I wasn’t fully sure, so I had to ask.

“Vitya, are you serious?” I distanced myself a little to see his expression.

“Totally.”

There wasn’t a bit of hesitation nor in his face nor in his voice. I found myself bowled over, not knowing what to say. That had taken me off guard.

“Don’t you want?”

His unsteady question pushed me to react before he could misunderstand my silence.

“I do, it’s just that… I hadn’t expected this. How is that you’ve changed your mind?”

He pressed his lips, going over my features, changing the place of his caresses and making his fingers dance between my hair, my ear and my jawline.

“It’s just that I don’t want to wait more. Being your fiancé it’s not enough now. I want it to be definitive. Fuck the gold.”

I thought I was going to melt under his words and his touch. I was having such a swirl of happiness on my chest that the words simply couldn’t come up.

“But we haven't to do it now if you don’t want.” he hurried to say, clearly disappointed because of my lack of answer.

 _What he was talking about_? He was giving me the possibility to marry in near future and he believed I didn’t want to? Was he _nuts_?

My smile in that moment probably was the bigger I had in months, and I jumped on to kiss him, shaken by the emotion.

“Of course I want to, you dummy.”

“You do?” his eyes shined, at the same time he hugged me tight.

“Obviously! I was the one who proposed, remember? How could I didn’t want to?”

“Oh, Yuuri!” he exclaimed, smiling as big as me. “You don’t know how happy you just made me.”

We kissed between laughter, in that bed that always felt like a world apart, only ours, and my only wish then was to love him for life, love him like that, without hurries and worries. We were going to make it real _finally_. This time was true.

“Let’s do it before the season begins.” he said while kissing every inch of my features.

“But if we barely have a break, how are going to organize a wedding before the autumn arrives?”

“It doesn’t have to be nothing special; something simple will work. I just want to make you my husband once for all.”

Hearing it from him literally gave me a sweet shiver, and I flushed of pure happiness. We were going to find a way to do it for sure.

“Okay.”

The rest of the day we spend it in the bed, with the inspiring sound of the rain surrounding us, making plans, turning the wedding little by little a tangible reality.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“It will be the 16th of September, right?!”

I nodded, trapped under his arm, smiling happily. 

The day before, we had arranged a couple of things already. We knew for sure that there wasn’t a way to celebrate the wedding on Saint Petersburg, although, indifferently of that, Hasetsu was the first place we had in mind. My family was informed, and they were going to be in charge of the preparations of the ceremony. They called us on Sunday at noon to confirm that the priest of the temple had found us a day.

“Disgusting.” Yuri stocked out his tongue.

“I’m happy for you two.” Mila smiled sincerely at the news.

“True love! When Anya and me…” Georgi started his typical theatrically monologue.

 “Shut up, old man!” Yuri exclaimed, irritated.

“What’s this huddle?”

All of us turned to the sound of the ice being scraped by the skates. Iván approached, placing between Mila and Yuri, curiosity in his face.

“Which was missing.” blurted Yuri, and moved away from us.

Maybe was because of his nature, but the only skater there that didn’t seem to like Iván was him. Yuri always was especially hostile with Iván, who never took it bad anyway.

“These two are going to marry on September.” Mila pointed Viktor and me with her head, still smiling, and after gazed us again. “Together, we’re going to make a good wedding gift for you, for sure.”

A shout from Yakov attracted the attention of everybody. It was training time. Viktor gave me a warm smile.

“I have to go, love. See you at home.”

“Fine.”

He kissed me, with more intensity than usually, but I didn’t care.

When he left, I held onto the fence, ready to get out, but then I saw that Iván was still standing there. At turning back, I faced his flat expression in its totality.

“Vanya, are you okay?”

He swallowed, furrowing his forehead a bit.

“You’re truly going to marry him?”

I didn’t understand the crux of his question. Wasn’t that an obviousness since months ago? We only made a change of plans.

“Of course. I’ve been a while engaged with him. At some point we were going to marry.”

“But… Two days ago you weren’t well. I don’t understand.”

He kept silence, confusing me more with his strange behavior and his shady expression.

“It’s impossible to be well always. The things are settled and that’s it.”

“But you can’t settle a person.” he approached, his voice taking on certain virulence. “Vitya doesn’t change, Yuuri. You’re condemning yourself.”

I moved back, almost coming to the rink’s limit, in shock by his indignation.

“What?” I uttered, disappointed. “I thought you would be happy for me, that we solved everything.”

That didn’t made sense. He backed me all these weeks, and now, when all was solved and I was happy, he was taking me down.

“You don’t understand.” he sounded desperate. “I’m trying to help you. I don’t want you to marry somebody that won’t give what you need.”

“He’s all I need.” my tone turned rough too at his attitude.

I expected support from my friend, and I was receiving the opposite.

“Please… Don’t you see? He has you totally trapped. _Listen to me:_ ” he put his hands in my arms, leaning down a bit in order to have our faces to the same level. “Vitya is unstable and you know it. You are going to give yourself to a man that isn’t able to maintain nor a single thing in his life, except himself and skating. I don’t know what he promised but you can’t expect anything from him. You’re going to fall flat on your face if you carry on with this.”

I felt like he just punched me in my belly. That wasn’t true. He was totally wrong, describing an unreal Viktor, and sounded like it was a vision that the past created on his mind. And hurt, a lot. All that time I thought he was backing me, but I saw it clear now. He passive-aggressive attacked Viktor all the time with his words, in front of me, making my thoughts worse. He was a nice person, he didn’t it on purpose for sure, but his vision of Viktor was dead wrong.

I set me free from his grab, feeling my eyes damp.

“You’re wrong.” I affirmed, full of disappointment, but firm. “Vitya is not like that. You don’t know him.”

“I know him more than well. And because of it I know he is going to make you suffer. I’m only trying to make you see. _God_. I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy every day of your life, like the other night.”

“Then, just be happy for me and stop trying to get me cold feet.” I exclaimed, upset at him to say those things, and me for not realizing what his thoughts were sooner.

I had let him interfere, trusting that he was over the past and saw Viktor how the man he was now, but he had been at a standstill all this time.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that.”

I truly considered him my friend, even so much disappointed, but with that mentality, how could I still doing so? He didn’t even share my happiness. I didn’t have cared if deep down he didn’t like Viktor at all, but at least I expected to celebrate it together like the friends I thought we were.

I held back the tears, but they made my eyes burn anyway.

“Vitya is an egocentric and I know you’re going to suffer because of him. I hoped you were going to realize soon, but...”

“Stop!” I muttered, choking. “Don’t you dare to say another word against him.”

He seemed a bit shocked by my reaction, but continued.

“It’s the truth, Yuuri. You can opt to something better. You’re still on time to leave Vitya.”

“What are you talking about?” I was totally hallucinating. “What’s your problem? Why would I want to leave him? Have you lost your mind?”

My body wasn’t like entering another fight. I only wanted to get away from him. It had been enough. I would face that discussion later, when he accepted it and wasn't that mean. I was sure I could convince him that he was wrong if we talked calmly, but now I was a bit hurt by the truth and he was too exasperate to listen.

I was about to turn around to get out from there, and I did so if weren’t because, suddenly, I couldn’t. Iván just captured my head between his hands. I grabbed his wrists, trying to set me free, unsuccessfully.

“Let me go!” I panicked a little. He was _close_. “What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry for doing it like that Yuuri, but if you don’t want to see it yourself, you aren’t giving me another option.”

“What…?”

Then, it happened.

He broke the distance, his lips suffocating my protest, pressing on mine, dragging me on a forced kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter! 
> 
> *i'm already feeling guilty for this poor soft boy*
> 
> The story is entering it's real plot (if it can be called like that) the next chapter, and I'm as exited as unsure about it. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it, as always, and thanks to those who left comments and kudos! <3
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	5. You're the best thing (that's ever been mine)

Everything went dizzily fast.

I pushed Iván, desperate to free me from his hands, unbalancing and falling backwards, out of the rink. A sharp pain overrun all the extension of my body’s left side due to the blow; nevertheless, I was feeling too deeply aggrieved for having been kissed by the force to care.

I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Not even could reason it out, find the cause. All I felt was the shadow of strange lips on mine and some aggressive hands in my face.

There, on the floor, trembling like a leaf because of the wind, trying to stand straight, I only was a bunch of nerves starting to be hit by anxiety symptoms.

I jumped at the touch of a hand passing through my back, another on my shoulder, gentles, helping me to sit. The movement made me groan in pain. Was then when I noticed to who belonged the gesture.

“Yuuri, you ok...?” Mila began, but a thud sound in front of us, just where I was seconds after, cut her off.

Mila uttered a muffled scream, and I got totally frozen. I didn’t even know how had occurred, just that Iván was stretched out on the ice with Viktor kneeled, on top of him, grabbing the chest of his shirt.

Immediately, I tried to standing up. I didn’t want them to fight, to hurt each other. I wanted to avoid it. Nevertheless, my body protested and because of my painful expression, Mila forced me to stay sat, even when she had her attention in them too, that it was obvious that wanted to separate them as much as I.

Viktor started to yell at him in Russian.

I had believed that I saw him truly angry on Saturday, but I was dead wrong. The scene of my husband-to-be I was witnessing right there, sat, was far from that: he seemed about to burn of irascibility, pronouncing the words like he was gripping a knife against Iván. All of him irradiated an intimidating fury’s aura. I couldn’t even see his face, and, to be honest, I didn’t want to.

I was in a real nightmare.

And I couldn’t move. All in me was trembling and I began to force me to breath. If that wasn’t enough already, my body hurt and the tears threatened to show at any moment.

Mila yelled at Viktor too, but his words seemed imploring, in contrast with his anger.

Thankfully, Georgi and another guy appeared to separate them.

Sounds became opaque; my ears where deafen by the accelerated palpitations of my heart. I put my hands on the back of my head, interlaced with mi hair, bending forwards, whipped suddenly by a vertiginous sensation. Mila’s nerves where noticeable even through her hands, probably because of my state, but I did not want her to touch me. I did not want _anybody_ to touch me.

It was disturbing me.

I was fighting to breath.

I just wanted to get away from there.

I only wished I was about to awake from that horrible dream.

The known eco of my name curving in Viktor’s voice came to me, passing through my daze. I raised my head, seeing he kneeled in front of me, his hand grabbing my leg.

I tensed up.

Under his eyes’ worry there was anger still, his pose rigid, gasping exasperatedly, and his expression close to a grimace.

If seconds before I didn’t want anybody near me, now I only wished him to take me in his arms, hugging me so hard that couldn't be any piece of all my being left out of place.

“My love, you feel alright?”

“Vitya…”

Suddenly, I felt dying in embarrassment. He had seen it. He witnessed Iván kissing me. And I didn’t want to kiss him. What if it had seemed different of what really happened? What if he made the wrong idea? I perfectly knew he wouldn’t, but I had the urgent need to make it clear anyway.

“I didn’t want to… He just…” I babbled, too messed up by the nerves to talk properly.

His features flinched at my messed explanation, expressing some of that fury he clearly was holding back, but he just caressed my leg with softness, calming.

“I know.” he muttered.

Mila said something to Viktor in their native language, making his muscles rigid up even more; then, he glanced at me again.

“Yuuri, a doctor should see you.”

I remained perplex a few seconds, but rejected it outright. I hadn’t hit my head, and I was sure I had nothing that required medical attention. Probably Mila had confused my symptoms. All I wanted was to go home, roll myself on sheets and don’t get out of the bed in entire hours.

“But Yuuri…” Mila protested, cut by me instantly.

“I’m totally fine.”

And it was a lie. My side ached for real, and it sored when I stood up. Probably the fall had been tougher than I thought, but I refused to show it up. Such as they were looking at me, if even the tiniest sign of pain in me was noticeable, I’d be forced to go to the hospital.

The both of them stood up too. I gazed down, to the floor, avoiding seeing the rink. I heard the hustle in it, Yakov shouting from the other side and the murmuring of the other skaters that were nearby.

I didn’t care. I just didn’t want to make eye contact with certain person.

Why he had kissed me was uncertain for me still, but I didn’t want to thought about it right then.

Viktor was in his practice hour, and due to what had occurred he hadn’t been able to begin.

I wanted him by my side. Due to my state, I didn’t want to be alone. I needed him with me, and asking him to skip practice seemed selfish, but not doing it would be even worse decision. We had accorded to not putting more walls between us, no more hide our feelings, ask for help to the other when needed.

“I just want to go home.”

I looked at Viktor, trying to reflect my plea in that gesture, and he immediately nodded lightly, understanding me. He put his arm around my back, and this hurt me, but I just bitted my lower lip and ignored it. Viktor told something to Mila and, next, we started walking away to the locker room in silence. 

We picked up our things and went straight to the car. Viktor drove with his hands grabbing hard the steering wheel, owlish, immersed in his thoughts. I was curious about what he was thinking.

The silence became a torture. Because of the lack of words I started to get immersed too in the unpleasant sensation of remembering again and again what had occurred. 

I was disappointingly upset. It was the best description I could give to what I was feeling.

I was angry because I had been kissed against my will —in such a violent way furthermore—. It had been horrible: the hurtful pressure of Iván’s lips on mine, trying to go deep in the kiss with force, grabbing me so hard that could have left marks on me. But the most awkward was that I’d never wanted anybody but Viktor to kiss me; the right of touching me was only his. And Iván went through that with any type of consideration, knowing well that Viktor was my first and last in everything, and didn’t care even a bit.

The worse of all was I should have realized. Iván always had been close, touching me at the slightest he could, pulling up to me, hugging me constantly, approaching when talking. I took it like something normal, even when at the beginning it was a little uncomfortable; Viktor did it too when our relation started. This last thing should have made me suspicious, but, as then, I didn’t catch it and I thought he was just a touchy-feely person. But I was wrong.

I had been wrong in everything. Iván, apparently, had hard feelings about Viktor, and that was evident. Maybe he really had been trying to help me, because he seemed to believe firmly that the vision he had from Viktor was true. But he was mistaken. He didn’t even bother to know the actual Viktor; he had been all the time enclosed in his own blurred perspective. And I could have understood it, made him see the truth little by little —however it had been hard to—. But, after what he did to me, I had no energy to even trying.

Iván didn’t think of me at all. He proceeded piercing me with his defamatory speech, killing my happy mood, when I said him to stop, but he totally ignored my words and my happiness. He grabbed me by force, but he didn’t free me even when I begged him to do so. He kissed me, hurting me, knowing perfectly I didn’t want anybody but Viktor.

Why he did so? I couldn’t find a reason yet. One thing was disagreeing about my decisions, which, despite it was none of his business, I could have understood it to a certain point; but forcing me was another so different.

What did he want to prove me with that? What I was supposed to realize about? Because the only I had realized with that was I didn’t matter to Iván as much as I thought.

Barely twenty minutes ago I had considered him my friend, one that had backed me, who was there to help me, and with who I had one of the funniest nights of my life; and suddenly he was a totally different person.

But he wasn’t a different person. I was the one who saw him wrongly.

Viktor had known. He saw it coming before me. I wasn’t totally sure about the nature of his feelings for me, but thinking about his words and his actions through these weeks, I could see a certain flirt. 

And I felt stupid for it. I had been blind all the time.

When we arrived home my shoulders felt heavy, and not due to an entire morning of training. But I couldn’t avoid smiling briefly when Makkachin came running to welcome us at the door, standing up on her rear paws and with her front ones put in my chest, barking with happiness for having us there again. I petted her, holding her to move a little in order to let Viktor enter too. Makka went down immediately to receive Viktor as well. She was pretty clever, and knew Viktor didn’t use to arrive home until night, so she was especially happy for her owner returning sooner.

After the welcome, she started to jump and bark at the side of the door, where was a clothes rack with her leash and collar hanging on.

“It seems somebody wants to take a walk.” I said, amused, thanked for that happiness boost.

I left my bag there; I would undo it when we had returned. I picked up the collar and Makka started to wag her tail and make circles around my legs.

“I can take her out if you’re tired.” Viktor said, after all that time in silence, and his voice sounded flat.

“No. I’m like walking a bit.”

“Well. Let’s go the three of us then.”

I nodded, and I kneeled to put her the collar on, but she didn’t stop moving. I had to ask her more than once between laughs to stay still, and after a whole minute I achieve it. Once this, we went out the apartment again. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sitting on a bench in that park, we were looking in silence how Makka was playing with another dog in the grass, running and jumping like there was no tomorrow, caressed by the afternoon’s breeze. We hadn’t made a single comment about what happened; we barely had said anything, but, anyway, I was enjoying Viktor’s company, surrounded by that calm.

“I’m sorry.” I said, when I reunited enough courage.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even if I hadn’t looked for that situation, I couldn’t avoid feeling a bit responsible of it. I could have realized, or have reacted faster when he had approached, or I could have made more to free me. And I needed to say it to him.

Viktor turned his head to me, and sideways I saw that his expression was full of astonishment.

“Why are you apologizing?”

I shrunk a bit in my site, embarrassed due to the memory. Just thinking that Viktor had witnessed it gave me shivers.

“For a lot of things,” I muttered. “but, above all, for not reacting fast enough.”

I took a deep breath. The fact is that, as the time passed, I was calmer. The anxiety that had hit me decreased, and just remained a light weight in my chest when breathing. But the bother created because of the kiss hadn’t been so easy to get rid of.

Viktor’s indignation was noticeable even before he said anything.

“Yuuri, this hasn’t been your fault. It has been that bastard who…” the force in his words became jammed in his throat, remaining half-said.

“I know, but I trusted him, in that he was my friend. I’ve let him come between us. And you realized, and I didn’t.”

“I suspected it, but I expected to be mistaken. And I’ve never thought that, if I was certain,” he made a pause and I saw him gritting his jaw, in a contention gesture. “he could do anything against your will. And maybe he caused some trouble, but hasn’t come between us. He cannot do that.”

Hearing that from Viktor was comforting, because who had been affected most time for it was him, but I sighed while watching Makka. She was truly lucky. Her life was simple, without fears, worries or disappointments.

“But I’m sorry that this happened. These things aren’t easy.” he continued. 

I still was accepting it. After such revelations, it was impossible for me to return to the point where we were before. I couldn’t see Iván the same way. Every time I would be near him I would remember how he forced me to do something I didn’t want to. Maybe I could forgive him, have a cordial relation, but I would not trust him again. I hadn’t any other option but assume my mistake, and let it go bit by bit, until the letdown was gone.

At the end, Viktor was by my side, and we were about to start a new phase in our lives. So, I didn’t need more.

“You’re right, but I’ll go over it.” I turned my head to glance at him directly, and took his hand. “I have you, and that’s all I want.”

I was aware that I had backed so much in Iván because Viktor and I weren’t going through our best time, and I needed that support he offered me. But now that was solved and we would be putting all our effort to work things up. Iván interfered when we weren’t well, and I was seeing it at last. But even so, it fortified my relationship with Viktor, proving that our love would go through every obstacle. So, even if I was sad because I had lost somebody I considered as a friend, I had the certainty everything was going to be alright.

There was a fond shine in his eyes, before he rounded me with his arms, taking me to a bear hug. When he squeezed me, my left side started to ache, sending me jabs of pain that made a lump in my throat.

“I promise I won’t let anybody hurt you never again.” he hid his face in my neck fully. “If somebody tries once more, would be over my dead body.”

“Vitya, you’re being dramatic.” I laughed, giving him a few claps in his back, trying hard to hide the pain.

“I cannot stand seeing you upset. I’d have thrown Iván of a cliff if I hadn’t been stopped.” he squeezed me more.

“You’ve thrown him to the floor. I think that’s enough. By the way, what you were yelling?”

I had never seen him so angry. It had been so weird to witness him being in such an aggressive state.

“All the curses that have come to my mind. I would never forgive him for what he has done to you.”

“I’m fine, really. I’ll get past it.”

“Okay, but I won’t.”

This last time that he squeezed me was my limit, a moan escaping from my mouth. Viktor raised his head right away, looking confused. He wasn’t holding me that hard, at least not to hurt me, but my body was resenting from the fall. When he saw my face, he freed me immediately, seeming to just having understood why I had made that sound.

“You’ve hurt yourself for real before, don’t you?” he said, and the scolding was already appearing in his tone.

“Only a little.”

“And why you said you were fine? We should have gone to the hospital. What if you had something broken?”

“If I had something broken, I can guarantee I could not have been hiding it even if I wanted to.”

He inflated his cheeks, bothered.

“Anyway, it has been irresponsible.”

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to get out, okay? Don’t be mad.”

He tilted his head to the sides, still a certain annoyance in his expression. At the end, he just snorted and crossed his arms.

“This time you’re going to get out of it, but don’t get used to.”

Viktor started to give me the speech about how an injury could get worse if you ignored it and didn’t receive the proper attention. Those lectures made my chest warm. The line that was maintaining separate his coach side from the worried fiancé one was so fragile that in moments like that it wasn’t clear what his exact position was.

Viktor was Viktor, at any rate, without mattering which role was picking.

“Don’t worry.” I laughed when he finished. “Now I know you can throw me to the floor in a jiff and be pretty scary, and I don’t want that, so I won’t make you angry anymore.”

“Don’t you laugh.” he putted again. “It’s not funny. I was furious. I was so furious I thought I’d break in half.”

“No, darling, _you_ were going to break him in half.”

Now it had passed, it was easier to take it with humor, and more glancing at the childish face Viktor was making. Seeing him like that, it was impossible for me to not be mad of happiness. We were going to marry. I just wanted to think about that.

“Vitya, kiss me.”

He blinked slowly, at the same time his cheeks turned slightly reddish. I saw in his look the surprise and the hesitate interlacing.

“Why so sudden?”

“Why not?”

He smiled, melting my heart as always, and he approached a bit more.

“As you like, then.”

Viktor had the capacity to calm all my storms, to make all my demons shut up. He could erase with his kisses every fear, every doubt, every single tormenting trail in my thoughts. His touch was almost magic. Once I was under it, it could make everything disappear, only being the two of us. Because of that, I knew he could remove the bad sensation that Iván left in my lips.

I returned the smile, brief and shyly, when he placed his hands —a bit doubtful— on my cheeks, caressing me softly with his thumbs. I closed my eyes, submissive to his scent and the finesse of his gesture. As I thought, when his mouth touched mine, he took away what had been put there by force, leaving in its place all that love that never lacked in Viktor’s kisses. Come what may, if he was close, and I could kiss, touch and love him, there was nothing to worry about.

Maybe Iván had disappointed me, but I wasn’t alone. I had forgotten that once more. There were more persons by my side, even if they weren’t physically present, loving me unconditionally. Now I knew it, and I promised myself to not forget it again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The night had fallen, and, with it, the slothness in our bodies. After dinner, we sat on the sofa. As the programming became more and more boring, we ensconced ourselves, ending lying down, I above Viktor, receiving gratefully his caresses. I felt his breath on my hair, and his heat was as comforting as always. It was already July, and even it was a bit hot, I didn’t care to be like that. Surrounded by that peace, that I had been so upset and self-conscious hours ago seemed impossible.

With my gaze lost in the television’s screen, my head on his chest, more concentrated in his heartbeat that in anything else, something came to my mind all of the sudden, which I had forgot completely because of the mess that those days had been. Right after, I raised my head to glance at Viktor.

“What?”

“I had forgotten completely.” I muttered. “I said to Phichit I’d mention a thing to you.”

He smiled slightly, naughty, raising a brow, covering himself with that playful aura that grazed seduction.

 “Another of Phichit’s suggestions?”

I blushed to the extreme my face felt like it would set on fire.

“Not that kind of thing.” the words choked in my tongue due to the memory.

“Then?”

We returned to the position before, my cheek on his chest and his hand caressing my head.

“I told him we were going to take a week off in August and he has invited us to go to Bangkok if we want. They celebrate something on the 12th.”

He murmured, thoughtful, and, a few seconds after, he talked.

“It would be fun. But I don’t know if that’s a good idea to take that week off, in the end. I want us to have at least two weeks of honeymoon, and then it would be three weeks lost of training. I don’t think we should do that.”

Once more, I raised my head, shaken by confusion.

“Honeymoon?”

That detail had never come to my mind. I had assumed that we’d only make the ceremony and, at the most, spend a couple of days in Hasetsu. I didn’t even think we could have a honeymoon; the wedding was too close to the beginning of the season, so take a trip had been unthinkable for me. But Viktor had other plans, it seemed.

“Of course.” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Do you believed we wouldn’t have honeymoon?

“Maybe?” I babbled. “The wedding is near to season’s beginning and I don’t know… I didn’t even think about it. And… Wait,” I backed on my hands, lifting a bit to see him better. “you said two weeks?”

“Yes.” his unconcern had me astonished.

“But we can’t do that. It’s a lot of time. And this year you return as a competitor.”

“And?”

I didn’t understand how he was seriously considering being away for two whole weeks. The simple idea of having a honeymoon made my heart soar, but it was not possible.

“Vitya, we’ve been working too hard these months to risk it all now.”

“But I want to take the risk.”

I stood straight, sitting in his lap, and he imitated me instantly, our faces a few inches away.

“And then I’m the irresponsible one.” I snorted, serious.

“I’m not being irresponsible. I’m prioritizing. You’re before anything. And I want us to have a honeymoon.”

Of pure exasperation, I groaned. He was making those imploring eyes again. How could I refuse like that? Discuss with him was worthless when he was so stubborn, but I wasn’t willing to budge an inch so easily.

“Fine, but we postpone it.”

He furrowed his forehead at my solution, and I knew certainly he wasn’t going to accept.

“That would be even worse. When the season begins, we cannot go away, and we would have to wait until it ends. If we wait that much it won’t feel like a honeymoon.”

He was right in that one. But we had sacrificed and worked so much that risk it seemed incorrect. However, my effort and suffering were to win the gold to marry him. So, now I had what I wanted, the medal had lost significance. I still wanted to make a good season, that wasn't changing, and I would go all out but…

Thinking about the wedding, that he would be my husband at last, and spending a couple of weeks the two of us apart from the world, alone, enjoying each other and celebrating the beginning of a new phase…

Without realizing, I was imbued with the idea. For weeks I had wished more than anything spend time with Viktor. And now, an eternal dose of it was being offered to me. In the future, we would have to retire, but we’d still be one to side of the other. I didn’t want for us to regret passing on opportunities when they had appeared, to feel we had to renounce to important things.

This time, I had to agree with him.

“Okay. We’ll go on honeymoon after the wedding.”

Viktor made a happy cry, with his typical heart-shaped smile in his features, and hugged me hard. When I groaned a bit, he remembered my left side wasn’t well, and he freed me. But even so he took his hands to my face in a soft touch, driving me to his lips.

“Where do you want to go?” I asked, when he let me breathe, smiling too, infected with his enthusiasm.

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“What?” I laughed. “You have to. We have to arrange everything, booking and these things.”

“I will take charge of all. I want it to be a surprise for you.”

“But, Vitya…”

“No buts.” he cut me, placing a finger on my lips, playful. “It will be a gift.”

“But” I emphasized. “it’s not my birthday or anything.”

“I don’t care. I’m like to make you a gift. What’s better that the honeymoon itself?”

After a few seconds, this time I was the one hiding in his shoulder, hugging him, and leaving a couple of smooth kisses on his neck’s skin.

“You’re the best, love. I adore you.”

It took me time, but I learned to accept the love I received properly. If Viktor wanted to give me something, then I just would simply accept it. And I could think on a gift for him too, in return.

Then, Viktor let himself fall on the cushion placed on the armrest again, covering his face with the hands.

“Yuuri.” he muttered, moaner. “It’s not fair. You can’t say such things so sudden.”

“You do it constantly!” I bended on, uncovering him.

He snorted in a signal of protest. I kissed him, whispering ‘I love you’ every time we stopped to breath. Viktor received my kissing, flushing and interlacing his fingers in my hair.

I was impatient to spend the rest of my life by his side, and being there the two of us, like this, I felt us unbreakable, invincible, without anything that could interpose in our love nevermore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A week after that, everything was following its normal pace.

Iván hadn’t approached me again. In fact, I barely saw him around since what happened. He didn’t show himself up too much at the rink, so, as expected, Yakov was sending him up the wall for it. For my part, I decided that I wouldn’t give it further thought. If sometime he wanted to apologize, or talk, I would accept and follow with our lives after; if he did not, I would continue without letting it bog me, as I was doing already.

It was Wednesday. Viktor had practice all day; I had Pole Dancing class in the morning. I was leaving the academy, and returning home walking, as always.

Due to the time the honeymoon would take us, I had to make the most of the time before the wedding to practice, with or without Viktor. So my plan was going home, pick up a couple of things and go straight to the rink.

When I arrived to rink’s facility, I was really thirsty. I bought a water bottle from one of the vending machines in the entrance, and, right after, I walked to the locker room.

Soon, I was stepping on the ice. Viktor and I bumped onto each other once in a while in the middle of his practice; and every time he stopped to kiss me fast, every time Yakov yelled at him.

I know his training was being even harder than usual, because Yakov was informed of our near nuptials. As usual, they had a discussion; well, as usual —again—, it had been more like Yakov making a furious monologue and Viktor only listening, without any type of intention of making a single change in his plans. So, those were the consequences.

I stopped a few minutes on the fence to drink, and I was immediately again in motion.

Noticing something wasn’t alright didn’t take me much time. My body started to feel heavy, not working like it should. When I fell in more than a few jumps, I decided I had to stop. I felt like I hadn’t slept in days.

While going out of the ice, I thought that maybe I was getting sick, but that morning I was perfect so it hadn’t much sense. Maybe I hadn’t had a proper breakfast and my energy lowered.

I run across Georgi, who was there stretching, rubbing my eyes.

“Hi, Yuuri.”

“Hi, Georgi.” I covered my mouth to the yawn that was coming.

“Oh, you look bad. Are you feeling well?”

“Yes, I just have… Drowsiness, I think. I’m going to the bath for a moment to wash my face. Maybe it will help.”

“You want me to go with you, just in case?”

“Oh, no.” I shook my head. “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

I walked slowly to the bath, at every step more numb. I didn’t understand. I felt well until then. Why I was suddenly so flattened?

My feet were more and more heavy, and I was practically dragging myself. Holding my eyelids open was entailing me a stoic effort. At the end, I ended stumbling and falling flat on the floor. I was so dazed already that it did not even hurt.

I would have stood up, if wasn’t because nor my arms nor my legs were responding. I wasn’t feeling much, but I was scared, not knowing what was happening to me. To top it all, my glasses were at the rink and I was barely seeing anything.

Lying there, my mind was totally rave, and my body was surrendering to the sudden fatigue.

I heard steps. Right after, I felt I was being picked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here again!
> 
> This chapter is way shorter than usual, I know, but it was been a real pain. I have discarded about six -or more- pages of it because I have decided to change the plot a bit.  
> What originally had to happen after the end of this chapter it's something I did not feel comfortable with anymore, so I changed it and the summary a bit as well. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'd like it. <3
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	6. I can save you if you ask me (just ask me to)

A heavy vertigo sensation awaked me.

I opened my eyes wide, dipping my fingers on whatever I had under, a panting of uneasiness leaving my mouth abruptly. Everything was spinning around me, like shaken by an earthquake. I was scared at first, actually believing the walls were trembling, but right away, when I felt myself unable to stand up and run, I realized that it was only in my head.

So I stayed still, agonizing, praying for that experience to end fast. I seemed to stabilize after a few seconds —which felt like decades—, all around me stopping spinning, just having an unpleasant residual feeling. Even so, I didn’t dare to move yet.

In that sudden calm, I started to think. My memories of falling unconscious in my way to the rink’s baths and being picked up from the floor were pretty clear, but now I was at home, on the bed, wearing my pajamas.

Intrigued, I was about to get out the bed and search for answers, deciding that probably my dizziness was due to my neck having been in a bad posture while sleeping. And when I moved, the sensation returned, even worse than before. My mouth dried, simultaneously my throat clenching up painfully and my eyes burning, making my temples palpitate. 

I stayed bended in the edge of the bed, holding onto it, panting without control. I was about to vomit for sure. My belly started to give me jabs and I felt the retching already hitting. After a couple minutes there, the vomit didn’t arrive. Moreover, I was sweating and febrile.

I had my eyes shut hard because of the suffering I was going through, and suddenly I heard Makka’s barks near me. The doggy approached through the bed, muttering a cry while she licked my nape, seeming desperate over my state. I hadn’t realized she had been there. I wished I could have moved from my position and pet her. Worrying Makka, with her age, wasn’t something particularly good.

Soon after her barks, I heard Viktor exclaiming my name anxiously from the room’s door, and how he fell quickly by my side on the floor.

“My love, _solnyshko,_ what is it?” I couldn’t see him, but, by the tremor in his voice, I knew that he was infinitely worried.

“I’m going to vomit.” I muttered how I could, totally gruff. My panting barely let me breathing normally, talk was tremendously harder.

He stood up right after my words. I perceived the sounds of the cupboards in the kitchen opening and closing frantically, and when I noticed he was returning, I felt enough brave to open my eyes. Kneeled, he put a plastic bag under me, with a horrible consternation in his expression. Our gazes met; he had the eyes tearful and hollow, like about to cry.

“You picked me up?” I whispered. I should have had him scared to death if that was the case.

He furrowed his forehead, his gaze sparkling with a mixture of emotions I could not decode as fast as they passed, the concern returning instantly.

“Don’t worry about that now.” he cleared his throat, clearly changing the subject, his lower lip trembling when talking. 

I wanted to protest, but a retching —the strongest up to then— cut me off, forcing me to bend more, vomiting at last, inside the bag.

It had been years from the last time I vomited. It was an odious sensation, and more if your stomach hadn’t anything but bile to throw up.

When it stopped, that characteristic unpleasant sour taste was all over my mouth, and I was panting for the effort. Nevertheless, the dizziness sensation vanished completely, leaving me just with the fatigue of vomiting.

Viktor handed me a hanky so I could clean myself, while looking at me terribly worried. I supposed that my appearance right then was pretty alarming if it caused him that affliction. I almost felt self-conscious, but I decided that that was senseless. Viktor was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my days with and I hadn’t to feel embarrassment for such trivial things.

He stood up again, going out of the room without saying a single word, taking with him the bag and the hanky. Then, I let myself fall flat on the bed once more, feeling better, but weak anyway.

I was about to pet Makka to try calm her down and take away her scare. And in my way through the mattress to her fur, I stopped. Because of the dizziness I didn’t had noticed how much numb my hand was, even it seemed a bit swollen. However, that wasn’t what alarmed me.

My ring was not there.

Before panicking, I decided to wait for Viktor to return and ask him about. There had to be some reason because I wasn’t wearing my ring. I finally petted Makka, despite when I did it my hand gave me stabbing pains. Probably I had hurt myself when I fell.

When Viktor entered the room again, he sat by my side on the bed, softly, even with a certain caution. He was surrounded by a strange aura. His worry was outwardly obvious, however in the opacity of his eyes something uncertain was hidden, and I could not find out what was exactly at first sight.

Not saying anything, he placed his cold hand in my forehead —which took me by surprise, because, unlike the pale skin of his could seem otherwise, Viktor’s touch was always warm—. Right away, his features turned into a grimace, tingeing with what seemed anger to me. When he took his touch away from my skin, his fingers closed in a fist, the knuckles going white. There was such impotence in Viktor suddenly that become even daunting. He tilted his head down, muttering something the language barrier maintained out of my comprehension.

I didn’t want him to worry. I just probably had caught the flu, or something similar. It wasn’t a big deal. I reached his hand with mine, taking the fist between my fingers, my thumb caressing the tension in it with tenderness.

“Don’t make that face.” I smiled lightly, trying to reinforce my words with it. “I’ve just caught the flu.”

But it had the contrary effect. His breath cut out gruffly, accompanied with his muscles tensing up, until all in him seemed made of ivory.

He was exaggerating. I stood straight, grabbing my glasses from the nightstand and putting them on, willing to guarantee him that such consternation was unnecessary, being now at the same level with his face. Viktor reacted promptly, altered, raising his head and pupils shrinking.

“No.” he grabbed my shoulders, softly even with his nervousness. “You have to stay down.”

“Not necessary. I’m better now. I can be like this.”

Not totally sure about my statement, he made a grimace, clearly reluctant to let me stay sat. With the silence over us, Viktor was once more with his gaze down, and I had mine fixed on him.

I started to think that something more than my illness wasn’t right. Maybe I had scared him because of my sudden faint, but I was fine so it wasn’t to be still so crestfallen. Although, what had me more puzzled was being at home. Knowing him, I was sure that his first reaction would have been taking me to the hospital straightaway. But, according with the light that entered through the windows, it couldn’t have been long from my faint, and, nevertheless, we were home. I was missing something in that situation.

“There’s something wrong?” I asked, intrigue hitting me more and more.

He stayed still, even more than he was already, barely breathing. There was something definitely out of place.

“Tell me.”

Nothing. Not a single word. I approached him completely, taking his face in my hands, no letting him another option but look at me.

“Please.” I begged, starting to become impatient due to so much secrecy.

He took a deep breath, the sparkle in his eyes disappearing and a loathsome pain taking its place in his expression, making my stomach ache, and, this time, not because of a retching.

“You’re scaring me, Vitya.” my tone sounded full of dread. If wasn’t happening anything bad he could have said it openly, and it wasn’t being the case.

He raised his hands to grab mine; the left one, which had been —apparently— maintaining out of my line of sight, was bandaged. Carefully, he made me let him go, increasing my nervousness at rejecting my gesture and because of his wounded hand.

“What happened to you?” I muttered, horrified.

Not talking yet, he placed a kiss in my numb hand. His lips pressed against my skin with tenderness, no hurry in them, patiently, and that image made my heart skip a beat. Instead of the love I should have felt by his suave gestures, what instilled was a painful melancholy, a deep pain going through his mouth. And it scared me more than the absence of words.

Because of this, I shook off the touch, taking my hand away, maybe too rudely. He followed my hand with the gaze, still avoiding mine.

“Answer.” I pleaded, sounding rougher than I pretended, more demanding than imploring.

After a few seconds of the most distressing emptiness, Viktor talked, in a trembling way and full of evasion, making the fakest smile I had even seen in my life.

“Just rest, for now.” he stood up, with back towards me, about to leave. “I’ll be in the sofa. Call me if you need me.”

“No, Vitya.” I sat in the edge of the bed to be able to grab his wrist —the uninjured one— and stop him. “Don’t flee. Talk to me.”

Viktor stood still. I held my breath, with a lump in the throat, when he turned around. He fixed, at last, his eyes on me, and I saw with total perfection, reflected in his pupils, how something inside him totally shattered in that exact moment. I freed my grab, in a reflex action, like that image just had burned my fingers.

Making me freeze, Viktor let himself fall slowly to the floor in front of me, kneeled, all his expression turning torturous at the tears that started to go down by his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Yuuri.” he said, the words trembling, empty. Bending down, he embraced my legs, hiding the face in one of my thighs. “I’m so sorry.”

His fingers dipped hard on my leg’s flesh, almost painfully, when the first sob escaped from Viktor’s mouth. The crying of his was broken, sorrowful, all his body shuddering, his forehead pressing more against me, the tears wetting my skin, and I was overwhelmed.

It was not the first time I had seen him crying, nevertheless, never like that, seeming a crystal structure cracking down.

I barely had witnessed a few instants of that scene —Viktor so downcast, shattered in my lap—, and it had been enough for me to know I couldn’t handle it more. I would have preferred an eternity in hell than a single more second of Viktor tortured.

I didn’t know what he was apologizing about; it wasn’t significant, really. Anything was trifling in front of such situation. I just wanted to make his suffering disappear.

Inclining over Viktor, placing my hands in his shoulders, I kissed his hair's whorl.

“Love, look at me, please.” I said, with the firmness I had left, giving him enough room to lift up.

But my gesture only worsened his cry.

That was one of the times in my life I really had felt totally desperate. There had been a lot of occasions I had been on the edge of everything —of mental breakdown, of anger, of bursting, of drowning in myself—, but then all of that seemed a breeze compared with Viktor breaking apart before my eyes. I would have given anything if made him to stop crying like that.

I moved him a bit, being able to slip to the floor and take him into my arms. With one of my hands caressing his hair, I squeezed him tight, driving him to hide in my neck. If he did not want to talk, nor gaze at me, at least I wished that he felt that he could back on me, not mattering how weak he could be feeling and vent of whatever he had inside. And it was when doing this that I noticed the alcohol’s smell that his breath emitted.

He had been drinking?

Viktor clung on my back, approaching even more, the distress getting over him.

“Yuuri…” he babbled.

“Shhh. I’m here.” my heart ached hideously, so sounding comforting took me an iron will. I was used to pain, but seeing Viktor suffering was way worse that feeling it firsthand.

I was starting to get really dismayed about his state, about what could have happened to bring him so down, and more if that had driven him to drink so early in the day. It surely would hardly pass of noon. It couldn’t be due to my faint; that was for sure. The matter was, what had occurred then?

“But you almost have been about to not being here anymore.” he whimpered between sniffles. “And all’s my fault.”

I blinked slowly, trying to interpret his words, put them in a context were they fit in, but I didn’t find any kind of sense.

“I’m a mess. I’ve always been a mess.” he continued, this time almost whispering.

“You’re not. My love, you’re the best of this world.”

“No, Yuuri,” his voice raised suddenly, yelling brokenly against my skin, squeezing me more. “I am. _God,_ _I am_. I…”

He busted into tears again.

What should I do? It was killing me to see him that way, and every time I attempted to say something and comfort him I made it worse. Stomaching the huge impotence that was hitting me, I opted to just hold and caress him, wait for Viktor to ease, and be patient.

We ended changing our position gradually, I sitting with my back against the bed, and Viktor huddled up between my legs, face still hidden under my jawline.

Every instant was worse than the crueler of the tortures.

At the end, his whines and hiccups ceased, turning into a soft panting, the tears only a wet ghost on my skin.

Then, a total silence filled the room.

I had my nerves close to the surface, fearing that anything I could do would restart the storm. But his words began to resound now that there was nothing invading my ears. However, after such crack-up, I wasn’t going to push him to talk. I had made that mistake already and we had ended half curled up on the floor, Viktor totally collapsed.

When his breathing slowed down and deepened I realized that he had just fallen asleep.

God, _what was happening_?

Resigned, the worry lashing me internally, I picked Viktor up in my arms —how I could—, and I put him on bed. Makka cuddled by his side, the same feeling of mine filling her too. She would have been pretty scared. Apparently, she was as unused to see him distressed as me.

What had occurred while I was unconscious should have been pretty serious if, in a few hours, Viktor had passed from stopping in the ice during practice with a smile in his lips willing to kiss me the sweetest way he could to break down, cry, get drunk and talk nonsense. The problem was that, by myself, I could not find an explanation.

Why he had apologized to me? What did he mean with that I had been almost about of not being there anymore? What was his fault? What was so bad to turn to alcohol? It had no sense.

Clearly, Viktor wasn’t in a fit state to tell me anything, and it was likely that when he woke up wouldn’t be too. I had to go to a second option.

I hesitated a bit, brokenhearted at the sadness Viktor still had in his face even asleep. I considered changing him, so he was in his training clothes still, but I didn’t want to risk breaking his sleep.

I slipped out of the chamber, Makka staying in his position, with him, without the bare intention of moving from there, so, in the light of this, I closed the door after me, now completely alone in the quietness of the living-dining room.

Without giving time to myself to feel overcome about what just happened, I fixed my gaze in our bags, nearby the apartment’s door. I approached in a hurry, opening mine, searching inside until finding my mobile.

It was four in the afternoon. I had fainted more or less at ten, so it had been six hours from then. Quickly, I entered my contacts list, and scrolled through it, looking at the names for a few minutes, deciding.

I ended opting for one and called. I took it to my ear, standing up from where I was. While praying to my call being answered, I entered the kitchen. I went straight to the table when I saw that there was a vodka bottle, only a last drop of its previous contents remaining inside. I was absolutely sure that that very morning I had seen it in one of the cupboards, and it was to be opened.

He had drank all that by himself?

That explained his eyes lightly dulled and, partly, his burst —omitting his breath, which was obvious—: he had been drunk.

The times I had seen Viktor drunk had always been the typical happy one, active, that didn’t wanted anything but to have fun. Moreover, he held well the alcohol, and you could easily overlook if he was drunk or not, unless you had seen him personally drinking. So, such as I had seen him like minutes ago, it hadn’t crossed my mind that he could have been abusing of the alcohol that much until becoming intoxicated.

Frozen at the realization, just the soft sound of the voice at the other side of the line got me out of my astonishment.

“Yuuri? Is it you?” Mila spouted with an anguish I had never heard in her before.

I was starting to fear that whatever that had happened had alerted everybody in the rink.

“Yes.”

“ _Oh, Yuuri_! Good thing you’re fine! This has been a truly chaos. Are you feeling well?” she talked rapidly, exasperate.

‘Truly chaos’ was not a very promising premise. I sighed heavily. What on earth had happened?

“Yes, nothing serious.” I hurried to say, impatient to drive the conversation to the point I needed. It wasn’t like I didn't appreciated the worry of my fellow, but I was in a rush —and scared— to know what had brought up such commotion.

“You don’t know how glad I am to hear that! We all were fear stricken. We didn’t know what to do.”

‘ _Fear stricken_ ’. Mila was arousing me more concern than I was having already at a crushing velocity.

“Mila, what has happened exactly?” I decided to ask, too much burnt out by the expectation and ignorance.

There was a horrible silence.

“Viktor haven't told you anything?” she muttered, full of hesitation.

I took the almost empty bottle in my hand, feeling it like weighed a ton.

“I do not want to go into detail, but no. And I need to know.”

Gazing at the object, a frightening thought came to my mind, which I vanished instantly. In any case, that was something I preferred to verify later. In that moment my priority was to know the occurred events I had missed.

“Yuuri, I just can tell you what I’ve seen. Probably I’m not in the loop of everything.”

“Right now, anything you can tell me, it’s fine.”

“Well,” she hummed before a sigh. “okay then.”

I put down the bottle and backed myself by the window, watching the street while waiting, with every muscle of my body tense, Mila’s words.

“ _Dammit._ ” she huffed. “I don’t know how to say this.”

“Do what you can. No pressure.”

It seemed my fears began to have grounds if Mila, who always talked openly, was struggling so much.

“Iván has drugged you.”

“ _What?_ ”

My mind stopped cold, being unable to process one single thought.

“I mean, not drugged exactly; he put a sleeping pill in your water bottle.”

I felt like if a huge rock just had fallen on me right then, and, unlike before, my head started to functioning at full speed, a lot of questions and turbid thoughts arriving to me suddenly.

The sleeping pill effects were pretty similar to what had occurred to me. Ignoring that having been drugged should have made me feel terrible and angry, all I could think about was why Iván did such a thing.

“Why? Why he has done that?”

Iván had been who had picked me up. That’s why Viktor avoided the issue minutes ago.

The fear hit me all of the sudden.

Drugging somebody to have them defenseless never had good intentions behind, but I couldn’t imagine Iván doing that. 

Nevertheless, the Iván I believed to know clearly wasn’t the true one, the reality being pretty different. He was a person that hadn’t hesitated in dragging me to a forced kiss, what more he could do actually?

What if he had done something terrible with me? What if that was the reason because Viktor was so broken? I wasn’t feeling anything out of place in me, but, anyway, my legs suddenly felt made of gelatin, my throat tensing until being hurtful, at the possibility.

Mila seemed to notice at the moment why my lack of words and my rapid breathing.

“Oh, Yuuri, no, no, _no_. Relax, nothing has happened to you.” she calmed me immediately. “You’ve been asleep all the time. Well, almost all of it, I think.”

Her words relieved me enormously, and I could calm and breath normally again. When I did so, was when I noticed totally the last part in her statement.

I hadn't a single memory of it, just falling and waking up in the bed.

“What do you mean with ‘almost all of it’?”

“For what I know, you’ve saved yourself.”

Right after that, I passed the mobile to my other hand to see my right one, still numb.

“What did I do?”

“I don’t know exactly, only that you have given Viktor enough time to find you. I’ve seen Iván with the nose broken, but that can have been Viktor’s thing. When I arrived they were already coming to blows.”

I was sure that I could not have been me. I hadn’t punched anybody in my life. The numbness in my hand should have been because something else. Meditating about that, it took me a bit to notice what Mila just said exactly.

“Wait, they’ve fought?”

It was obvious that they had so. The bandaged hand of Viktor was a clear consequence of it. I couldn’t imagine him getting into a fight, and not because he hadn’t strength, it was just that I couldn’t visualize the situation.

“Just imagine it, Yuuri: finding Viktor unconscious, in the hands of somebody that kissed him by force one week ago, and locked up inside the bath. In front of this you’re not going to start dialoging, don’t you think?”

She was right. And I was thankful for not having memories of it. The mere though that I had been in such situation got me gooseflesh. If I had remembered for sure it’d have took me some time to recover from the trauma. But Viktor did, and he was devastated.

“Can you give me details?” I passed my hand through my hair, feeling tremendously overwhelmed, the image of Viktor crying haunting me.

It wasn’t like I wanted to make a mental image of the situation. In fact, if I could have done so, I would have avoided knowing the occurred. But I needed to, so I could understand Viktor’s reaction.

“Well,” she started. “Georgi has warned Viktor that you weren’t feeling well. I was close to them, that’s why I know it. After that, the two of them have gone in your search when you were taking so long to come back and, soon, Georgi has appeared with you in his arms, very alarmed, asking for somebody to go to the baths to separate Viktor and Iván because they were fighting, without saying more than this. I and a few more have gone, and it has been really hard to get Viktor off Iván. He was fuming mad. When that has happened the fight has continued verbally until Iván has freed himself and run away. We've tried to find him, but he has vanished.”

That was what I had expected, more or less. And even so I still had the sensation that something didn’t fit, the piece in the explanation which would give it total sense.

“I still don’t understand why Iván would want to…” I didn’t dare to continue the sentence. The options to complete it that came to my mind were one worse than the other.

“Me neither.” she admitted. “That’s something you probably will have to ask Viktor. Or Georgi. When Iván has left, Viktor has returned to the rink, where you were on a bench. Georgi has been taking care of you, and I’ve heard them talking about an issue from years ago, about a revenge; I don’t know.”

The word ‘revenge’ made a shiver run across all my back, my thoughts immediately making an assumption. But I shook it off. I did not want to anticipate to the truth and freak out.

Georgi had to know. He had been as much time as Viktor training there, so for sure he was there when the things burst between Viktor and Iván seven years ago.

I took a deep breath, trying to not get too nervous in advance.

“Thanks Mila. I’ll call Georgi to see if he can tell me something else.”

“It’s nothing. Take care, alright?”

“Sure.”

We exchanged a few more words and I hanged up. My hand was shaking.

I called Georgi before my head started to ramble and make assumptions. Luckily, he didn’t delay to take it.

“Yuuri!” my name was covered in a huge relief tone.

“Hi, Georgi.”

“Thank God! I was so worried.”

“I’m fine. I just talked to Mila and she told me sort of what happened. Thanks to take care of me before.”

“Was the least I could do. I should have accompanied you, but, Mila? And Vitya?”

I couldn’t help turning my head in the direction of the bedroom for a moment, sighing.

“Long story. He could not tell me anything, so I’m trying to know what happened. Mila told me almost all but… You were there when you’ve found me and I wanted to know…”

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear Georgi’s version. Probably it would be harder than Mila’s.

“There isn’t much to say, really.” he hesitated, thoughtful. “We heard your voice inside the bath, and at trying to open the door it was blocked. We’ve had to batter it down. Inside, you were lying on the sinks, Iván bleeding from his nose and…”

His doubtful pause was obviously filling the detail that followed, which I didn’t push to know for the sake of my sanity.

“Well, Viktor has gone for him. He has asked me to take you out, and that’s what I did. How we still didn’t know what had happened to you, we’ve called the rink’s doctor, who was as lost as us. Good that Viktor returned before we called an ambulance. He wormed Iván somehow to tell him about the sleeping pill.”

Everything was pretty clear for now, but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t stop to meditate about why Iván was bleeding when they found me or why didn’t take me to the hospital anyway, nor even the ring vanishing. I was still focused in the important thing that lacked in the whole situation, which went round my head and I was sure it would complement the reason of Iván’s actions.

“Georgi, by chance, have you got any clue of why Iván would want to do something to me?”

Another mortifying silence.

“Yes.”

Even when I was already expecting it, it was harder to hear than I thought. It seemed a good decision for me to sit down on a chair before listening what he had to say.

“I suppose you know what happened. Between Iván and Vitya, I mean.”

“I know it, yes.” I swallowed, nervous.

He cleared his throat, like the memory haunted him.

“The thing is that, in the fight they had before Iván went away, he sworn that someday he would tear him down, taking away what he loved the most, like Vitya did with him, supposedly. So his return hasn’t been exactly related to skating.”

I would have shouted. I would have shouted of impotence, of anger, of how stupid I was feeling.

Everything fit together now.

That’s why Iván had been approaching so much, playing the role of moral support when he was discouraging me about Viktor. He had manipulated me, trying to distance me to hurt him, because he knew perfectly Viktor loved me.

All those weeks I was the real bladed weapon.

“Vitya hasn’t told me much; he was going through a lot at once and he was worried for you, but I know he didn’t remember that Iván threatened him and that he had been trying to achieve his revenge through…”

“Me.” I cut him, continuing his words.

How could I had been _so dumb_?

Now I had seen everything.

Iván was such a demented.

He tried to separate me from Viktor in all the possible ways. First trying to make me break up with him by myself, sowing discord when I was down, discrediting him in an undertone; then, causing trouble using his own self to, with subtleness, making Viktor jealous and finally… Who knows what he planned to do to me. Only thinking about it made the retching return.

He used all the able options, making his moves carefully, because, actually, he knew Viktor enough to have a bare idea of what could affect and drive him to react in some way or other.

I could not believe I had swallowed his talk, that he used me in such a dirty way, and I had let him hurt Viktor deliberately.

And all because of his revenge. His stupid and unreasonable revenge.

Viktor didn’t deserve a punishment. All what happened between them had been a misunderstanding. Besides, he had no control over the problems Fabi and Iván had. The two siblings broke their relation because of poor communication and resentments. Viktor just was  in the middle of the explosion. It wasn’t his fault.

But he thought it was. That was the reason of his downcast state, of his apologizing, of his incessant tears. He felt responsible, and all those hours he would have been torturing himself, drowning in alcohol.

I had been blinder than I believed. Iván could have been seconds away from really accomplishing his revenge, and who knows where that would have took us to.

I didn’t want to even imagine so.

The worse was Iván was still out there. If he reached that point, until where he was willing to arrive? I hoped we hadn’t to find it out.

“Yuuri, I’m sorry. I know this isn’t easy to process.”

It wasn’t precisely a bed of roses; that was true. But wasn’t hurting me much the fact that Iván tried to injure me, or that he was a totally different person of how I though he was, because those were things I could assume and leave behind; it was hard to digest that he could reach such maddening levels, however, I didn’t remember anything and, with time, what I’d have of him would be a bitter story and dirty memories. What had me dismayed was my role in that story, that he used me so easily, manipulating me, and hurting Viktor.

“Thank you for telling me, Georgi.” I thanked him, even when I was sinking in a deep disappointment of myself and a huge worry for Viktor now I knew what his breakdown was about.

“Anything.”

My gaze turned once more to the vodka’s bottle, the thought I had vanished previously returning suddenly. Georgi had known Viktor for years. Maybe he could illustrate me.

“Can I ask you something?” I collected myself a bit, backing in the chair.

“Of course you can.” he said, sincere, openly.

“How was Vitya before?”

I heard him murmuring, seeming pensive.

Viktor told me he had lost his inspiration, the love for the ice, and in part that was the reason why he decided to coach me. There were more than that, sure, nevertheless, now some things started to bother me.

The night of the day I had met Iván, Viktor took on a behavior of truly insecurity suddenly. He said I had turned on all the lights, that he had felt lost before me and like he had no soul. In that moment I thought he was only being poetic, having a harmless gloomy mood. But now I was starting to think if he was being literal.

What if I really had turned on all the lights because he was in a dark place before? If I had given him that soul and that direction, because he was really lost? That harmless gloomy mood didn’t seem so harmless to me anymore.

He wasn’t being insecure. He wasn’t afraid to lose me because of Iván, or because of he wasn’t used to my presence still —I knew he did, what on earth was crossing my mind to think that?—, it was something else. And _he told me_ , and I wasn’t listening closely.

I remembered vaguely Viktor drinking pretty much when he arrived to Hasetsu, but then he stopped short. However, and it wouldn’t have to be more than a crazy assumption actually, what if he was returning to that habit? If that was the case, it wasn’t a good sign.

“Well, he practically lived skating. He was the first to arrive and the last to get out the rink. When he was younger used to go out with some fellows, in those dinners that are always made, you know, but with the years he stopped. I did too, so it’s no big deal. Now the majority of assistants of those things are the youngsters, and we are starting to seem bogeys by their side.” he laughed softly. “Aside from that, not too much to say. But the contrast of how he looked now and then it’s clear. You really has liven him up.”

What Georgi had just told me wasn’t precisely something I didn’t know already. Actually it was because I didn’t make the right question. I had to be more specific.

“Did he drink?”

Georgi was silent for a few instants.

“What you mean?” he muttered, confused.

“If he drank alcohol.”

“Well,” he doubted, and I noticed his surprise clearly. “I don’t know. Probably. I have seen him drinking in numerous parties. We all did, still do.”

I wasn’t going to find it out by Georgi; I should have supposed so. If I wanted to know, it had to be in another way.

“Okay.” I sighed. “Thanks, Georgi, for everything.”

“It’s nothing.”

“See you, alright?”

When the conversation ended, I hung up, a total silence upon me, and gazing at the bottle.

Could it be…?

I stood up abruptly, lashed by the fearsome supposition, going to the cupboard under the sink where the bins were. I looked inside the glass one, reaching out inside carefully when I saw a recognizable and alarming sheen. I grabbed two bottles, one of rum and another one of vodka, empty, not a single drop in their insides. Immediately I opened one of the higher cupboards, where we used to place alcohol. When I did so, it was impossible for me to breathe normally. Less than a week ago the bottles had been there, not opened, full. And now they were empty, in the bin.

I moved to where our bags were with a slashing velocity, dropping myself on my knees, opening his in a hurry. I searched inside, the chest beating in anguish, until touching a metallic object. I had it on my hand, but I prayed with all of me that, when I took it off and saw it, it wasn’t what I thought it was.

But I was right. I had to sit on the floor because not even my knees were enough support.

A flask.

A minute passed, me just staring at it, until I dared to untwist the top and smell its contents.

Vodka.

Viktor was abusing of alcohol in hiding, and the possible reason why had me too worried to even be angry because he was concealing things to me.

A memory from many years ago came to my mind from the deepest of my head.

When I was living in Detroit, one night Phichit decided to invite to dinner at our apartment some of the persons of the university that in that moment were pretty close to us and with we had a relation that was almost friendship. Among them, there was a boy who was about to end the psychology degree, Alex. He was already working in a mental clinic for then.

The night started well, animate, everybody sharing the food and laughing, initiating easy conversations. Normally social meetings weren’t my thing, but that night in particular I was having fun.

The problem —if can be called like that— emerged when we decided that was a good moment to have some drinks. Isma, one of the guests, started the dinner laughing with all of us and, at the end of it, he was crying his eyes out, being comforted.

I didn’t know him much, because he was one of Phichit’s classmates. He seemed the kind of extroverted and smiling person, always transmitting a deep joy.

Isma started to have drink after drink, and Alex, who knew him well —apparently—, began to make him questions about pretty personal things.

I did remember vaguely which were the symptoms Isma had shown —according to his friend—, only a few and that Alex was on point about what Isma was going through, because two weeks after the dinner Phichit told me he was already on treatment.

And, even knowing I shouldn’t, that it wasn’t a good idea, I had no alternative that search for it in the Internet, because I hadn’t a psychology student near to ask. Just like that I could tie up loose ends definitely.

Moving frantically, I sat on the chair of the table where the computer was, in a corner near the television, turning it on.

When I typed down ‘depression’ in the browser, my fingers were shaking, and I had to rewrite the word several times.

A huge amount of pages appeared, the majority of them clinical webs or online magazines about health.

I had been scrolling through a few, looking at the symptoms principally, and all coincided: _depressive or irritable mood_ , _loss of interest for everything or almost everything_ — _even what was pleasurable_ or/and sex—, _insomnia or hypersomnia_ , fatigue, _feelings of self-hate, uselessness or guilt_ , _difficulty to concentrate or remember_ , besides that this shown less clearly in men, which _resort to alcohol_ or other substances.

I stared at the list, shattered against the back of the chair.

My fears were real.

I just had realized that, all that time, I had been making mistake after mistake without even seeing it.

Viktor hadn’t been well, and nor was now. Maybe for some months he got better, but not anymore.

And I hadn’t noticed. All that time, _I hadn’t noticed at all_.

Viktor always had been by my side, watching over me, loving me unconditionally, backing me no matter what and learning little by little to deal with my anxiety, while inside he had a true chaos.

And I hadn’t paid attention.

When he explained me how he felt before being together, I had never taken it literally.

When he had been staying up late and drinking with no control in Hasetsu, I had only believed he did it for fun.

When he forgot about the promise he made to Yuri or little things lately, I just thought he was distracted. So maybe he had never been a distracted person.

And when he had been blaming himself for everything that happened between us, I believed he was being dramatic.

But Viktor was depressed.

He was depressed and I hadn’t noticed. Until he had cracked because of the pain that was haunting him I didn’t saw it. I had been all that time obfuscated in myself, not perceiving the alarm signals of the state of the person next to me, the person I loved. I made him feel alone, breaking down for not having enough of him when he probably was drowning inside for that too, and much more. I had blamed him for everything, saying that he hadn’t paid attention to nothing I had done for him, when I was the one totally blind. And I hadn’t understood what he feared. He wasn’t afraid to lose me exactly, but about the way he felt himself would drag me down. Moreover, I had been giving total access to ghosts from the past to hurt him even more.

Viktor had needed me, and I only had thought about myself.

I had been the biggest idiot.

Even knowing him as he truly was, and loved him like this, I still idealized Viktor deep inside. I had the intrinsic image in my retina of The Viktor Nikiforov, five-time champion, a bachelor, really handsome, untouchable, unreachable, always in control, constantly reinventing himself, and it blotched the Vitya’s one, the man behind the legend, as human as anybody.

I was disappointed —furious— with myself.

I was about to head-butt myself against the table of pure anger, but I held back, reminding me that it wasn’t the right moment to feel bad.

Now I had realized about Viktor’s depression, his breakdown worried me a lot more. If his emotions were to the point to collapse like that, he needed all my support, and he needed me whole and willing to do whatever it might be done. I could not break down too. It was time to fix my absolute absent-mindless how I could.

I stood up from the chair, going to the kitchen for a glass of water and aspirins, walking right after to the bedroom. I opened the door carefully, and Makka raised his head at it. Making a sign to her in order to be silent, I entered and left what I was carrying at the nightstand, after this slipping inside the bed with Viktor. I laid as softly as possible trying to not waking him up. When I was about to embrace him, he seemed to sense me and spun around, placing his head and hand in my chest.

I didn’t move, just caressing tenderly his hair, trying to calm the guilty whirlwind in me and replace it with absolute resolution.

The thing wasn’t to make it worse; I wanted to help him to get out of it. It wasn’t worth it to think I could have made thinks differently; that would only discourage me and lose the focus of my determination.

I was sure we could go through anything, and that was what we were going to do. I was convinced of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The time passed by, at some moments I fell half asleep, carried to a kind of trance where I just sensed Viktor’s breathing and his essence. These almost made everything disappear, leaving us only with the well-known domestic peace.

But, when Viktor writhed over me as a sign of he started to wake up, I was totally awake, and my heart started to beat fast. He groaned bitterly, taking his hand to the forehead. After a few seconds, he raised his head to me, eyes wide, pupils shrinking, and the self-torture beginning to take over his features again.

“Yuuri…” Viktor muttered, choking.

“Shhh. Don’t say anything.” I said quietly, not faltering, smiling a little.

I sat up, he doing the same, and reached the glass for him. Then, I opened the box of aspirins, giving one to Viktor.

“Take it.”

He gazed dully at the pill on his hand, the glass on the other starting to tremble. Eventually, he took the pill and drank the water. Right after, I grabbed the glass, returning it to the nightstand.

Then, Viktor stayed with his head down, with a lifeless gaze fixed on the sheets. Not muttering a single word, I enfolded him again, taking us to lie again. He seemed a bit surprised, but didn’t put up resistance. He was once more on my chest, tensed up, however, not reluctant of being in that position.

I resumed my strokes, and after a while immersed in silence, I asked him.

“Better?” I muttered, my voice soft.

He nodded lightly, and I kissed his hair's whorl, which made him shrink a bit, looking sorrowful. I inhaled slowly, maintaining myself focused. He probably was feeling bad with himself, so that was an understandable reaction.

“Are you hungry? Need anything else?” Maybe indulging him would improve the mood.

Some motionless and eternal seconds after, his hand grabbed roughly my shirt and Viktor pressed the face in my chest. As I feared, didn’t take long for me to feel the dampness settling on the fabric and his snuffles.

“Darling, don’t cry.” I squeezed him more. “What happened today hasn’t been your fault. Don’t have to feel responsible for it.”

He raised his head suddenly, and I had to hold back a grimace at seeing how broken he was, how the pain reflected in his beautiful blue irises, now shattered and stunned.

“How you know what…?” he babbled.

“I've called Mila and Georgi. They’ve told me.”

Viktor whimpered, the lower lip trembling, and hid the face in my chest again.

“Vitya, hey,” I placed my hand in his cheek with care, caressing. “you haven’t done anything to torture yourself like this. Quite the opposite. If wasn’t for you who knows what would have become of me for now. You have saved me. And I know you think you are responsible for Iván wanting to revenge for what occurred with Fabi but, my love, that was his fault, not yours, and, for today and these weeks, mine to let him in.”

“But he wanted to hurt you _because of me_ , because I had hurt him and he wanted to _pay me back_.” he groaned against my shirt. “He has drugged you, and I haven't even noticed… If Georgi hadn’t told me…If I hadn’t found you…”

“But you did.” due to his voice tone I feared him bursting into tears was about to happen. “I’m here, whole, because of you, so, please, stop torturing yourself.”

“ _You don’t understand_.”

His plaintive words felt like cold water having been thrown on me out of the blue.

In a matter of minutes I had realized of how broken Viktor was, of how much I had passed over what he was showing for a whole year, and I was trying to not get carried by the conniption that supposed me having him so deserted and keep calm, waiting for the moment I could touch the issue with tact.

But despite that _I didn’t understand it_.

The fear hit on me hard, believing I was the next one bursting into tears. Maybe I wasn’t capable to help him, my own disease too big to make myself useful in that matter. Maybe I’d make it worse. Maybe my backing wasn’t enough.

I took a deep breath.

No. I couldn't let pessimism carry me. I would learn to help him. I would so. What I needed was to know how to exactly deal with such situation.

“I could have really lost you.” he cried. “Just for being an idiot unable to not to break everything that touches. I’m poison, Yuuri. _Poison_. And you don’t deserve this. _I don’t deserve you_.”

He sat in the bed, back towards me. Between snuffles, he dried his tears using the fingertips.

“I’m not even here when you need me. What kind of horrible fiancé am I?”

I panted, feeling how my heart clinked, broken in little pieces. Nevertheless, I sat too, putting aside my pain and hugging him for the back, placing a couple kisses on his shoulder.

“The best. And you’re always when I need you for real. I've been the one who didn’t pay enough attention to you. If here’s a horrible fiancée, that’s me.”

“What are you talking about?” he turned his head, looking me sideways, to immediately tilt the head down, like a beaten dog. “God, Yuuri… You’re sick because of what you have been forced to take and I was supposed to be attending to how you were reacting through the hours, and I’ve ended making a scene and you’ve had to take care of me. I’m a shame.”

I undid my hug, crawling through the bed, sitting in front of him, leg-crossed. I cupped his face with my hands to make him look at me in the eye.

“Let’s forget about the Iván's issue, okay? I don’t have a single memory of what happened and I’m not sick anymore and totally fine. So, regarding me, you don’t have to still worrying. Now, it’s my turn to worry about you.”

He didn’t seem pleased with my statement, furrowing his forehead, but right away the confusion appeared in him, replacing the sadness.

“The truth is there is something I want to talk about.” I said, a bit hesitant.

The fear started to leak in his expression, being impossible for me to decipher in which horrible way he had interpreted my words.

“It’s nothing bad. Relax.” I hurried to clear up.

It was bad really, but not the kind of bad he probably was thinking about. I just was trying that it didn’t sound like an ultimatum was coming or something like that. Viktor was in a pretty unstable state. I had to be careful.

He sighed, his features less rigid.

“You feel like a tea? It’s good for the hangover.”

I knew right away that I shouldn’t had said that last thing, because, immediately after pronouncing it, I felt the embarrassment radiating from his body as an explosion. He narrowed his eyes, ashamed.

 _Fantastic_. We hadn’t even begun and I was doing it wrong already.

It was a huge relieve when he nodded, despite he had the same expression.

“I’ll be right back, then.” I approached him, kneeling on the bed, to give him a fast kiss on the forehead. “Rest a bit meanwhile.”

Being in the kitchen again, the first thing I did was fixing my gaze in the damn vodka bottle on the table. With resentment, I picked it up, emptying what remained inside in the sink, and it went directly to the bin with the other two.

While I was making the tea, I prepared myself mentally, thinking exactly what I wanted to say, how and in which way. I didn’t want to be brusque, nor that it sound like he was crazy. I knew well mental issues had to be treated with caution, and even more suspecting Viktor wasn’t aware about his own state. I was afraid that he had been like that for so long that he took it as normal, since otherwise he wouldn’t have overlapped himself with the depression effects. It didn’t matter how bad he was, he’d never have concealed to me a problem of such magnitude. That he had been hiding the drinking issue —among other things, as he probably was suffering from insomnia— probably had been for not worrying me or guiltiness. And I wasn’t going to scold him for that, even when we agreed on not having more secrets between us, because his head was messing with him in the worst forms for sure. The last he needed was for me to be upset.

Now everything had a new perspective, terrible, but new.

That Viktor was under such disease, and I being conscious at last of it, explained a lot of what had been happening lately.

His mood changes, being perfectly in the afternoon and when we arrived home at night suddenly falling into a deep gloominess.

His constant guiltiness, putting all the blames on himself, more than he really had, feeling extremely worried if something he did bother me, having the imperative need of making it up and spoil me if that occurred.

And his sleep disorder. I feared that he was suffering from insomnia because, moreover he couldn’t have emptied those bottles in any other moment, with the pass of the weeks, he had started to wake up more and more late and a bit grumpy.

But what really felt like a kick in was his obsession of losing me now.

He was afraid of himself, of being the one breaking our relationship, not being enough for me to stay. And I had fed that believing unconsciously many times. That was the main reason of so much sorrow about that particular matter.

He had needed me more than I had needed him, and I didn’t notice properly. So I would give all of me until he was well again. I was willing to reach it.

I served two cups of tea, grabbing a box of cookies from a cupboard too. Then, a deep breath, and again back to the bedroom.

Viktor was in the same position. All of the sudden, he seemed to have two perspectives that enshrouded him. On one hand he looked much younger, vulnerable and insecure; on the other, much older, weary and downcast. And was distressing to see so.

When he heard me entering, raised his head slowly. I approached, giving him one of the cups and tossing the cookies aside, sitting as before.

We didn’t talk for a while, just taking brief sips of our respective cups, looking through the window or the sheets’ whiteness.

I was sure I would be the one starting the conversation, so it surprised me when he took the initiative.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

Just by saying that, I sensed how his own question dragged him, for a brief second, in a _déjà vu_ as much as me. I hurried to talk before he drowned too much in the memory of that night in Barcelona. It wasn’t precisely an appropriate memory to bring up in that moment.

“Well, with all that have happened, I’ve been wondering about certain things.”

He still had his eyes red, same as his cheeks, but I was glad that he looked at me directly without being me the one urging him to do so. I decided to take it like a good sign.

 “Which ones?”

I could do it. I could do it _well_. I had to have faith in that.

“I've seen the vodka bottle in the kitchen before. And the other two in the bin too.” I hesitated, at noticing he froze and his body turned rigid, but I knew I had to continue. “And the flask in your bag.”

He pressed the fingers around the cup, his knuckles whitening, and his hands began to tremble. The embarrassment was reflected in his eyes sparkle, such as the self-shaming.

“Darling, I want you to know that I am not judging you.” I said quickly, with all the tenderness I had. “And if you don’t want to talk about this now, it’s okay.”

His gaze fixed in the cup’s bottom, snuffling. Seeing him like that awoke my instinct of jumping onto him and fill his face with kisses until there was not a single trace of sadness but a smile. Viktor only deserved happiness, all that his body could harbor, and even more.

“I can’t sleep and,” he muttered, and made a pause, pressing his lips in a thin line. “sometimes, I just need it.”

I waited, because I had the feeling he hadn’t ended yet, and the fact that he admitted it right away gave me hope for that conversation being a success.

“I was afraid to tell you in case you thought I had a problem. Probably I do have it but… It’s embarrassing.”

Viktor really trusted me. I thought we would have to beat around the bush until arriving to the real matter, but he was going to the point faster than expected. Maybe it was because of me, because touching at last the issue that could drive to the help he needed so desperately. And I hoped with all of me he asked me for help, letting me bear with him the weight of his feelings. But we had to go slow.

“Do you drink for something in particular?”

He doubted, not raising the gaze from the tea, thinking about it while blinking slowly.

“I’m afraid.” he whispered.

“Of what, my love?”

“Of me.” his voice trembled, along with his hands.

At this, my reaction was placing my free hand on his, as support. I approached more to him, being at a brief distance now, intimate, but not arriving to be intimidating. He stayed still at my closeness, and then his eyes almost shut, starting to get damp.

I decided that the cups had to be taken away, so I took his to leave both at the nightstand. When I sat down again, Viktor’s look already transmitted a deep sorrow, one different from desperation, or guilt, one that seemed a silent call for help.

“It’s happening again,” he mumbled, so quietly that almost felt like it was said to himself. “and I don’t understand why.”

“What’s happening again?”

He made a grimace, reflect of the frustration that was burdening him inside. He had confirmed my assumption that what he was really afraid about was of himself. I just needed the answer to that question to be totally sure.

“I feel numb.”

The way he said it was so sharp, so full of self-hate and exhaustion, that made every one of my emotions tremble. I cursed myself — _hard_ — for having been ignoring the pain haunting him for so long. Now, with his response, I was sure that he was suffering from depression.

“Maybe I’m incapable to feel.” he continued, shrugging his shoulders, a sad, brief and shaky expression appearing in his face. “Maybe something has never been right with me. When you shown up… _I felt_. You gave me a range of feelings, possibilities, life, and now… I feel I’m draining away again. But I have everything just for having you here, we’re going to marry, and… I’m a mess, and I’m just ruining it all.”

I knew exactly what he was trying to say to me, and the way he did so gave me the certainty that he had no clue about what was happening to him.

Raising my hands to cup his cheeks, I smiled, even being sure that would reflect how I was suffering for seeing him like that.

“You haven’t ruined anything, Vitya.”

“I made you suffer.” certain hysteria leaked in his voice at saying this, starting to fast talking. “And something horrible could have happened to you because of my fault. And, you have an idea of the amount of persons I’ve could have hurt through the years, that could be planning the same as Iván? Yuuri… Anybody in any moment could want to hurt you because of me. I don’t know if I can live with that.”

“A truck could run over me in any moment too. You’re rambling too much. Iván didn’t get to hurt me, and there won’t be another opportunity to do so. I won’t give it to him. And if you’re worried about what can happen to me, I will be more careful, I’ll take precautions. But I guarantee you I’m going to be fine.”

I broke the distance, placing our foreheads together. Viktor muttered a panting at the touch, relaxing his pose a bit.

“I know this has been a nightmare, and I can't imagine how horrible today has been for you, but it’s over, I’m sure. And again, it hasn’t been your fault. Iván is crazy, and I've been naive. But that’s it; part of the past now. Even so,” I bended back a bit, sighing. “I have to ask you to forgive me.”

“Hmm?” his brows furrowed in an astonishment signal. “Forgive you for what?”

My hands slipped to his nape, one of them interlacing in his silvery hair, caressing him while I cracked a smile, it turning slowly to a bitter grimace.

“Because I’ve being passing over your pain all this time.”

He started to go over my features with his gaze compulsively, as if he was trying to figure out the meaning of my words.

“What you mean?” he gabbled.

I took the deepest breath in that morning, and let the air leave my lungs slowly.

After the conversation we just had, I was totally sure that he suffered the symptoms I had read.

“I’ve been thinking and making a bit of research, and I believe to know what happens to you exactly.”

His gaze turned, suddenly, as interested as confused.

“I think that is likely that you’re suffering from depression.”

I had spouted it fast, avoiding getting nervous and going off the tangent, and I waited for his reaction, which didn’t arrive at all.

He was with an indecipherable expression until suddenly it passed to surprise, considering and doubting all at once. I continued stroking him while he meditated.

“Maybe I've helped for a while for you to feel better,” I decided to say at last, so he wasn’t saying anything. “but I’m not a cure. It’s normal that it has returned as it was before. So, because of it, it’s likely you’ve been carrying it for years. I've blamed you for things you hadn’t control at all, and haven’t treated you as I should. I’m sorry, love. You don’t know how sorry I am. But I know together we’ll find the way for it to pass.”

He said nothing yet. Viktor seemed like he was calculating something acutely inside his head, looking at me while he did so. I started to worry that I might have made a false move telling him, or in the way I did it.

“It’s not possible.” he muttered, still confused. “I can’t be depressed with you here.”

“This has nothing to do with it.” I was relieved for him talking finally, but his words left me a bit heartbroken. “Sadly, it’s compatible.”

“But…” a heavy doubt crossed his face, and he didn’t continue the sentence. “You truly think it’s that?”

I nodded, still insecure about his reaction. Not having ever thought that he could be suffering a disease, it was likely that he had to pass through acceptance.

Viktor sighed, suddenly downcast once more.

“It’s okay Vitya. You’re not less for not being well. I have anxiety and you don’t love me less for it, am I wrong?”

“No.”

“So that’s exactly the same. You always have taken care of me when I had attacks, and I’ll do the same for you, okay?”

He stayed pensive a bit more, to, right after, nodding lightly. I gave him a little smile of content and I hugged him properly, squeezing his body against mine all I could. Viktor relaxed at the contact, just letting me hold him while he dipped the fingers in my back and his face resting in my shoulder.

“Everything will be fine. I promise.” I separate us a bit, caressing his face once more. “But enough serious talk for the moment. We need a break. And, now, I think taking a shower won’t do harm, don’t you think?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I turned the tap of the shower, water started to fall from the sprinkler. While it warmed up, I took my shirt and glasses off. Just then, Viktor entered the bathroom, towels in his hands. He hesitated at seeing me, staying still for a few instants, to right after leave the towels in the marble of the sink, flushed and eyes sparkling.

Maybe it was because he was a rollercoaster inside, but there wasn’t many times when Viktor got flustered to see me, not that way at least. And it was very adorable.

When finished undressing, I slipped into the shower. The vapor and the temperature of the water felt wonderful after all that happened in these hours. I just stayed under the stream, enjoying the sensation.

One minute after, I was disconcerted for Viktor not having entered yet. Through the misted glass, I saw his figure. He was in front of the mirror, shirtless.

“Vitya, aren’t you coming?” I asked with curiosity.

“Yes.” he said, a bit shaky.

He took of the other clothes and came inside. When he did so, was with a dismayed expression, and I understood why.

In his left shoulder a reddish bruise was appearing, and, in the lower part of his abdomen, another one, which hadn’t precisely a pretty color. He had undone the bandage of his hand too; it was totally bruised as well. I held back my horror, just taking him by the hips, inviting to join me under the water. He approached, not pushing against. I clung to his nape, the touch of his skin on mine giving me the same energy as usual, going over my whole self, making me feel home wherever we were.

I wanted to remember him like that.

I had erred idolizing him even knowing his most human part, and that blinded me. So even that image of Viktor was shattered and gloomy, I wanted to remember it so I wouldn't fall into the same error again. Now I had to be for him, more than before. And I was willing to give him everything without hesitating, because I didn’t wish anything more intensely that Viktor was happy, that he wasn’t haunted constantly by the past, that he could live the life with the intensity that had lacked for years.

I was aware I could have a big influence over his mood. If I took him away from the darkness once, without even being conscious of it, I wanted to have faith in that I could do it again.

Our lips met like magnets, drowning one on the other’s mouth. We kissed slowly, no hurry between us, and almost in a contemplative way. There wasn’t any kind of heat in it, only intimacy and the closeness in his most tender side. I wanted that Viktor, through my kisses, knew I was there for him, so words didn't seem to have worked correctly previously. Disorders cause deafness, distorting; it wasn’t his fault, I knew it well. It was hard to sense some things when your head only drags you more and more in a hole, which one you can't escape by yourself. So I had to opt to transmit my love in a way that could skip the dirty tricks his mind was playing.

When we took a little distance, I gazed up to his eyes. He looked at me carefully, like he was memorizing every detail of my face. Then, he raised his hands from my hips to my face, caressing me with the thumbs.

“I love you.” I whispered. “I love you so much.”

A hint of sorrow crossed by his eyes, but disappeared as fast as appeared. In response, he bended down to my face, his breath hitting against my lips.

“I love you too.”

Those words sounded like an apology, and the kiss he gave me after that carried an intrinsic desperation.  It was enough for me to notice that, even having talked, he still felt guilty, thinking about the events. I hadn’t expected everything solving just with a conversation; it wasn’t so simple. But gradually it would disappear, with effort and working on it. Meanwhile I was finding out how to help him, the objective was maintaining his head occupied.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Viktor stayed a bit more in the shower, and I gave him space. Leaving him alone with his thoughts wasn’t the best idea, but pester him too much could be counter-productive.

So I waited in the sofa, drawing up a plan, scrolling the music list in my mobile. If it worked, and, if the idea I had come up well, it would be perfect for me to transmit the message I wanted to make arrive to my fiancé.

Suddenly, when the indecision was about to end me, I found the perfect song.

I hurried to connect the mobile with the stereo, feeling triumphal, preparing everything for when Viktor came in.

Some minutes after, I heard Viktor about to get out the bathroom, so I played [the song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8c81fXTZ-74). He appeared, his hair still wet, just when the first soft notes of the piano resounded smooth and delicately. He gazed at me with curiosity, and approached. When he was close enough, I reached his hips with my hands, not leaving any space between our bodies, and I smiled warmly.

“So, I was thinking we haven’t danced for long.”

“True.” he tilted his head, seeming not to understand why I was bringing it up from nowhere.

“We should make something about that, don’t you think?” I sent him a suggestive look, but tender too.

Viktor laughed, touching my forehead with his, my heart soaring to the stars. How a laughter so beautiful could hide so much pain? It was a joke from the universe.

“Are you asking me to dance, darling?” he teased me, slyly.

“Yes. Want to?”

He murmured, tempting, like he was giving it further thought when it was clear by his expression that he had already decided. He smiled openly.

“Gladly.” he whispered, kissing me softly.

I changed my grab, placing my hands on his nape, while he took his gently to my hips.

We began to move in a simple swinging, not taking distance nor a single inch, gazing deeply in each other eyes, when the lyrics of the song surrounded us, singed by a voice subtly broken, but enveloping, full of emotiveness.

 

_My love, leave yourself behind,_

_Beat inside me, leave you blind._

_My love, you have found peace._

_You were searching for relief._

 

My heart was burning, sending that heat all over me. Sometimes, when we were that close, I felt like it was the first time glancing at him. Was a sensation that, even having absolute knowledge of every inch of Viktor, having went across his body with my lips in several occasions or having seen million times the sparkle in his eyes when he was looking at me, still made my beats raise, making me blush and feel as protected as weak. And his hands were so warm… I could feel his warmth through the fabric of my shirt. I didn’t want for anything in the world him letting me go. I could have drowned in his eyes, in the touch of his skin, in his lips, and I would have been happy to. There was the only place I wanted to be. 

I would have made that moment eternal, engrossed in the melody. But that wasn’t about me. I wanted to give that instant to Viktor, a break from himself and the world, where only existed my endless love for him, like I did once, a long time ago, in a banquet which, fortunately and unfortunately, I hadn't a single memory of it.

 

_You gave it all,_

_Gave into the call,_

_You took a chance and_

_You took a fall for us._

 

Viktor had given all of him, leaving his life behind to go in search for me. He had carried with the burden of his own mind while loving me like there were no limits, mental or physical. All for us, for that live we shared now and for the rest of our existence. And I had made him feel alone, guilty, and was time to fix it; this time I would be his support.

 

_You came thoughtfully,_

_Loved me faithfully,_

_You taught me honor,_

_You did it for me._

 

I could not remember a single trace of darkness since the very instant Viktor came to my life. He always had been my lighthouse, my star shinning even when the spotlights were too dazzling, guiding me. One day he appeared out of nowhere, oneiric, splendid, willing to stay by me no matter what. And I adored him.

Nevertheless, this turned giddily fast in love, to the point I believed my body couldn’t hold such a powerful feeling inside, that it would break me. And he held me, not letting me shatter in pieces, understanding, adapting without hesitating. Since then I knew I was lost for good, because I would never get that man out of my head, but I felt blessed to receive love the same way I professed mine to him. Viktor wasn’t a dream about to vanish, he was real, and perfectly imperfect. And I loved him.

 

_Today you will sleep away_

_You will wait for me, my love_

_Now I am strong (now I am strong)_

_You gave me all_

_You gave all you had_

_And now I am whole_

 

And now I had to return him that fortitude he had given to me, all that courage to move forward, to grow, make myself stronger. I would be resilient for him, to bring again a sincere smile to his face, the happiness and the wanting to live the joy that every day together could bring. Viktor had been living with lights-out, and I had been his light, so then I would shine even brighter until no more darkness remained inside his head. I would not let him drown, never.

 

_You took my hand_

_Added a plan_

_You gave me your heart_

_I asked you to dance with me._

 

Because I could visualize our future clearly, and it was absolutely incredible. He was absolutely incredible, and I wanted him to remember it. I wished it was possible to show him how he was seen from me, how much I loved his sleepy smile in the morning, or the warmth he made me feel when he hugged me at night and whispered endearments right to my ear, or his huge capacity to surprise me every day. If I could have done that, I was sure he wouldn’t feel not enough or insecure ever again.

 

_My love, leave yourself behind_

_Beat inside me, I'll be with you._

 

And that dance was my promise, my plea, a brief minutes where I had put all my love, trying to in every look, every kiss, every spin, every single of my respirations he could recognize my unconditional will to be eternally with him. I wanted to irradiate my petition of helping him, to open to me like he did before so we could get rid of that burden draining and distressing him. I wanted for him to know that was my wish to support that weight too, that he would not to be alone with his fears nevermore.

The last notes jiggled in the air, our swinging slowing and stopping along with the song’s end. In those short instants before the silence surrounded us once more, I kissed away the tears falling through his cheeks.

At the ending of the melody, when everything turned quiet, we just stared. Viktor had a deep look, damp, but sincere, open, and gave me the feeling that he had understood my message. I smiled, placing my hands to his face to caress there, my heart still beating fast for the moment’s intensity.

“Viktor Nikiforov,” I whispered. “my love, my future husband, you’re always going to be my everything.”

It was the only I have left to say, and I wanted to express it out loud for it to be clear. He snuffled, shedding a few more tears, a sad but sly smile appearing in his lips while furrowing lightly his brows.

“You’re _unfair_. I’ll have a heart attack at this rate.”

His playful tone pleased me, and I make him bend a bit down, placing our noses together.

“But it’s the truth.”

“Planning all this to soften me up… How shameless.” he murmured, faking offense. “Or it’s that you have some kink for tears I don’t know about, hmm? You enjoy seeing me cry?”

“You’re ruining the moment.” I laughed.

When he inclined himself to hide the face in my neck I feared that the word ‘ruining’ had made a terrible effect on him —due to the conversation we just had—, but then I felt his soft lips pressing against my skin and his arms hugging me tight. He whispered something in Russian on my skin, which I did not understand and supposed it was some cheesy endearment I didn’t know. After that he lifted again to look at me, his expression more lighten up.

“I think I need to clear my head a little. What a about if we take Makka for a walk?” he suggested, smiling lightly.

Without thinking it twice, I nodded, returning his smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me pretty long to finish this chapter, but here it is! 
> 
> As always I hope you liked it and opinions are always welcome! <3 
> 
> You can find me in [Tumblr](http://nuriaschnee.tumblr.com/) too!
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	7. We always find ourselves (we were made being 42 grams)

The following couple of weeks were a bit chaotic.

The first days after the unfortunate events, Viktor and I were too aware of everything; he because of the trauma about what Iván had done; I about how he was getting on under this. During this phase, he barely left my side, going wherever I went, which I didn’t refuse at all. I was being careful, as much as my words as my acts, trying to avoid whatever that could make him feel bad.

Until I decided we couldn’t prolong such behavior anymore; it wasn’t healthy for any of us both.

We sat, talked at length and decided that wasn’t necessary for him to be my shadow, that we couldn’t let what happened to condition our life in such a way. And although Viktor was reluctant at the beginning, he ended accepting it.

Moreover, in that same talk, I brought up certain matter I had been thinking about since realizing about his disease. I set out to him —or rather I urged— that would be good to receive therapy, so the depression wasn’t going to vanish just like that, even with the two of us doing as possible for him to feel better; that definitely required professional attention.

Suddenly the conversation’s fluency shattered.

Viktor became adamant, turning down the idea without even thinking about it and not giving me a reason because he wasn’t willing to.

Before his reaction, I decided to not push him, and try it again another time.

Afterwards, I noticed how hard he tried to pretend being well, as the problem didn’t exist. In fact, he had never admitted out loud the he accepted it as a fact. And was something that hurt me because, after the way he opened up to me some days ago, him hiding under such facet was disheartening.

Nevertheless, I wasn’t going to give up.

I supposed it was a temporal reaction, that probably he was going through a denial phase, or something similar. I didn’t like the idea of neglecting more time that aspect, but I couldn’t force him to do something he didn’t want to. My only option was waiting a little bit more, to his stubbornness to pass and he accepting at last what was happening to him.

At the end, this resulted even more counterproductive.

The effort that was taking him to avoid the existence of the problem and hiding it started to consume him in a corrosive way. Every time he believed I wasn’t looking, he let his mask fall, revealing how much exhausted he really was.

And he wasn’t letting me help. Being patient was more and more hard at the sight of him like this. I tried to cheer him up, bring the issue up delicately, but nothing worked.

The only good thing to remark on was the alcohol issue seeming to be over.

We get rid of the flask immediately, and I made him promise that, if he ever again woke up in the middle of the night or struggled to get to sleep, he had to tell me without hesitating. And aside of that, if I noticed him anxious in certain moments due to abstinence, I kissed him until it disappeared completely. So, at least, it was one less thing to worry about.

Our rink mates were shocked too that had —almost—occurred such thing between these walls, which were like a second house. But was a mood that vanished in a few days, luckily.

Iván didn’t show signs of life, and all of us where delighted because of it.

The truth is that that was a matter I really had put aside. In my mind, in those moments, there was only Viktor. And maybe it was a bit cold blooded from me, being I one of those who were involved in directly —to not say the most—, and who almost received the serious harm, but my lack of memories was in my favor, so my trauma barely existed.

To be honest, what had me really furious of such experience was the concern that triggered in Viktor… And my ring’s disappearance.

Viktor didn’t know what had happened with it, so I supposed Iván should have made it vanish in some way. That ring meant a lot for us; he knew it because I told him myself. Now I was regretting terribly having opened my mouth. Iván surely was aware that making it disappear would be a horrible and symbolic way to hurt Viktor, so it was the materialization of the compromise that existed between us.

I had the theory that, when Iván took it from me, I wasn’t fully unconscious and trying to get it back I hit him. A pretty big internal part of me wished frantically that my theory being certain.

But it didn’t matter anyway; I gave the ring up for lost. I just got cheered up by the knowledge that soon I would be wearing the one that would be its definitive substitute: the wedding ring.

It was true that I would have liked to conserve that little golden circle, however, my love for Viktor didn’t depend on the existence of an object, even if the aforesaid had a huge sentimental value.

“So, summing it up: in less than three weeks you had two fights with Viktor, you went out partying with his ex, who has kissed you by the force after and drugged you because he actually was faking being your friend because he’s a crazy motherfucker who wanted to take revenge on Viktor, you two have set a date for the wedding and it seems that Viktor has a tremendous depression.”

Obviously, Phichit had to be informed.

I laughed unavoidably at his dramatic overview. Said by him, it seemed a bad comedy’s plot.

With the hustle and intensity of the last weeks I barely had time to think about calling my family and Phichit. I had used that late walk of Makka to make that few calls. With my family I justified my lack of communication due to the abnormal amount of time the training took of my day-to-day, not wanting to worry them unnecessarily now everything was over. But, of course, Phichit had to know the whole story from beginning to end, as always.

“Yes, more or less.”

“Yuuri,” he said, in a tone that mixed seriousness and slyness. “I told you to fuck your fiancé, not to turn your life in a soap.”

I guffawed really hard, smiling with the phone against my ear.

“But, really, all kidding aside. How are you two?” he asked, this time just serious.

“Well, it’s not a great moment, especially for him. Iván has made all the damage he has been able to, but thanks to that I’ve realized about Vitya’s depression, and now I’m trying to help him.” I made a groan when Makka pulled the leash, almost making me stumble. “But he isn’t making it easy.”

“You both are two of a kind.” he laughed, amused. “You’re not precisely mister open book, and even less for this type of things.”

“I know.” I admitted with certain resignation. “Besides, it seems I’m not only short of sight. I should have noticed sooner.”

“I’m not gonna argue that.” I almost could visualize him shrugging his shoulders, half sardonic smile in his lips. “But you’ll be fine. You’ve always find each other somehow. Just give him time.”

That was exactly what I was clinging onto. When I opened up, he met me where I was. If he did the same, I was sure I’d be able to find him every time.

“I’m sorry we can’t go to see you.” I muttered.

“Don’t be! I rather that you two can go on honeymoon with no worries. And we’ll see each other for the weeding anyway. _Yuuri,_ ” he uttered my name with a contained excitement not so contained. “you’re getting married!”

“Yes.” I giggled.

It was like a dream. Actually, it was _way better_ than a dream. Just by imagining Viktor wearing the montsuki my cheeks burned like suns, my heart beating at an alarming speed. Between so many horrific events, the wedding seemed an oasis.

“I’m already preparing all your college embarrassing stories to tell during the party.” he said this with a mocking tone, but I knew he wasn’t joking.

“Don’t you dare.” I warned, the laughter still stuck on my throat.

“It’s my duty as the groom’s best friend. You think I’d let such opportunity pass? No way, _mi amigo_!”

“You’re unbearable.” I blurted out, faking outrage.

“ _Oh_! Liar! You love me!”

“I’d love you more if you weren’t planning to humiliate me on my wedding day.”

‘My wedding day’. Saying it out loud was still strange. My wedding. My wedding with Viktor. _Our wedding_.

Without even realizing, Makka had carried me to our block, and now we were in front of the building.

“I have to go.” I murmured, certainly disappointed because I really missed Phichit and the call, despite it had been mainly hard, felt like a blessing.

“Fine. Try not to get into many trouble, okay? And give my regards to Viktor.”

“I will.”

When the call ended, Makka and I got inside the building and went towards the elevator. Once upstairs, at entering home, there was still certain aroma from the dinner on the air. I took off the collar from Makka, and while I was taking off my shoes in the door, she ran off to the bedroom. I heard the barking; then, Viktor greeting her with fondness. Smiling to myself, I felt extremely happy that that was my life now, even with its ups and downs.

I entered the room soon after. He was sitting with his back against the bed’s headboard, the lamp on the nightstand lightning up the book in his hands, Makka already transformed in a fur ball at his feet. Viktor raised the eyes from the pages to see me, smiling softly.

“How’s been the walk?” he asked.

“Makka clearly has more stamina than me.” I declared, panting, approaching my nightstand.

“I can confirm that that’s not true.” Viktor said, casually, not even trying to hide the double meaning.

I saw sideways that he was looking at the book, but not seemed to be reading, his smile turning sly. I rolled my eyes, ignoring it and taking my mobile off my pants’ pocket, setting the alarm for the morning and leaving it on the piece of furniture.

“Phichit sends you his regards, by the way.”

“Oh. How nice.”

“I think he’s more excited for our wedding than us.” I laughed, looking at him.

Viktor tilted his head to a side, fixing the eyes on mine, his face filling with an expression as tender as playful.

“I don’t think so.” he uttered, winking at me.

I giggled softly, shaking my head.

The day’s fatigue and the soreness of my muscles were more notable after having been dragged all around by Makka. Her energy didn’t match her age.

“I’ll be right back.” I stretched my arms up, trying to get rid of some of the tension in them and from my back. “I’m going to put on my pajama.”

“It’s fine for me if you don’t.”

I gave him a disbelief look, staying still in the middle of the room, when I was in my way to the cupboard. He freed a pleased laugh.

“What’s with you today?” I said, not bothered at all, etching a smile.

Viktor shrugged his shoulders, returning his eyes to the reading. With a loud sigh, I reached the cupboard at last, picking what I needed. After this, I went to the bathroom, changed, brushed my teeth and went back to the bedroom.

The very moment I entered, Makka decided to leave and go to the sofa. Then, I noticed better the book he was holding. It was totally worn, the maroon of its hard cover worn away and pages yellowish. It wasn’t the first time I saw Viktor reading it.

I sat on my side of the bed, approaching him a bit, looking down at the object, curious.

“What are you reading?”

“Oh, this?” he put on a sly smile, still not looking away from it. “It’s Don Juan Tenorio.”

I stayed the same, the title being totally unknown for me.

“I’ve never heard about it. What’s about?”

“It’s the story” when he began to talk he raised his gaze to me, filled with the same slyness as his lips. “of a seducer, who returns to his city after breaking a lot of hearts around the world, and wins the love of the purest and naivest girl there, she falling for him fast, deep and irrevocably.”

He leaned temptingly to my face as talking, his gaze dancing between my eyes and my mouth.

“Sounds familiar to you?” he purred, his breath mixing with mine.

Viktor was clearly in the mood, and I’d be a liar if I denied I could resist that desire sparkle in his pupils.

“It sounds like somebody picked up the idea for my last short program from this book.” I decided to tease him.

“Not what I was referring to,” Viktor whispered, obviously expecting a pretty different response, and returned to his previous pose. “but it’s possible that I got a bit inspired by it.”

I looked at the words down in the pages again. It seemed a play by the way it was written, but it wasn’t in Cyrillic, or in English, and, aside of these two languages, there was only one more that Viktor was fluent in.

“It’s in French?”

“Yes.”

For some reason I could not explain very reasonably, I liked to hear Viktor talking, and when he did in Russian it added a plus to it. Nevertheless, I barely had heard him talking in French; only a few times with Chris and it had been very brief.

“Would you read it to me?” I said, feeling the blush coming to my cheeks.

Viktor turned his head, a clear surprise in his pupils, but his smile growing bigger.

“Of course.”

He cleared his throat theatrically, making his posture better, before beginning, while he passed a couple of pages.

“ _Ah! N'est-il pas certain, ange d'amour,_ ” he started, modulating his voice in a way that seemed totally immersed in the character whose dialog he was giving life. “ _que sur ces rives écartées la lune brille plus pure et qu'on respire mieux?_ ”

I got engrossed seeing his lips move while reading, and didn’t mattered that I couldn’t understand the meaning of the words; he pronounced them with a subtle passion, one razing, making my heart beat at their same pace.

Looking at him like that, his face lighten up as reading something that was evidently of his predilection, I couldn’t help to feel lucky to be right there, with him, once more. I could have spent the rest of my life trapped in that exact instant.

But, all of the sudden, he closed the book, the thud it made making me get back to reality. He tossed it aside, and, changing the focus of his attention, he glanced at me.

“ _N'est-il pas vrai, ma beauté,_ ” he approached seductively while speaking, placing a hand on my neck’s nape, and another on my left thigh. “ _qu'elles respirent l'amour?_ ”

He pulled me down, leaving me laying face up on the bed, Viktor softly placing himself on the top of me.

“ _Oh! oui, très gracieuse Inès, miroir et lumière de mes yeux_ ;” while looking at me intensely, he continued, whispering, grabbing my hands on his to put them above my head. “ _m'écouler sans colère comme tu le fais, c'est de l'amour._ ”

I was blushing furiously, my throat suddenly dry. The heat pool down my belly was appearing, the electricity going all over me, and the weight of his body pressed on mine being a sweet torture.

“ _Regarde donc ici, à tes pieds, toute l'orgueilleuse dureté de ce traître coeur, qui ne croyait pas se rendre; regarde, car il adore, ô ma vie, l'esclavage de ton amour._ ”

He recited these last verses almost in the surface of my lips, and was about to break the last inches between us, but, when he was near to kiss me, he leaned back.

Viktor sat on my lap, his expression filled with pure amusement, a light laugh escaping through his teeth.

“You’re so cute when you blush.” he said with huge self-satisfaction.

I felt pressed against the mattress, the power of his seduction squashing me. I couldn’t believe how he teased me so hard, making me breathless, without even kissing me, and if that wasn’t enough he was laughing about the state he had left me on.

“You liked it that much?” he raised an eyebrow.

So if that was what it was about, I wasn’t going to be less. I just forgot completely how tired I was.

I grabbed his hips, making him get out my lap, a huge confusion crossing his face due to this.

“Yes, but I think it’s enough language immersion for today.” I babbled, without breaking my flustered appearance yet, holding back my laugh at his expression. “We should get to sleep now. You have practice all day tomorrow.”

Viktor was so off guard that he said absolutely nothing. I leaned up to get into the sheets and give him a brief kiss, he still erratic of doubt.

“Night.” I uttered before laying down, my back towards him, leaving my glasses in the nightstand and biting my lower lip to held the laughter.

It took a bit more for him to get into bed, and when he did so, it was slowly. I waited a minute before rolling to his side, and luckily he was facing the windows. I embraced Viktor with one arm and leaned on his ear. It hadn’t come to my mind any haiku or passage, but a song that could work.

“ _Nigakute amai shiroppu_ ” I started to recite in whispers, my voice velvety, biting and licking his earlobe in between. “ _boku dake ni namesasete yo._ ”

I noticed how his ear reddened and his cheeks started to burn, and I was delighted by it inside.

“ _Kasaneta hada to kimi no teisuto de boku no koto o mitashite_ _._ ”

By then, Viktor was totally blushed, flustered, eyes wide and parted lips due to surprise, or indignation, or both. I laughed one last time and I gave him a brief kiss on his cheek. He sat on the bed immediately, freeing himself from my grab, and glancing at me.

“ _You’re the worst_.” the hint of a smile in his lips betrayed him, signal that he was more aroused than he pretended to show.

“You’ve begun.”

“Because you've asked!”

“I asked you to read me; teasing me has been your choice.”

He made a deep throaty sound, and I wasn’t totally sure if was because satisfaction or because annoyance. I sat too, obliging him to lean against the headboard to sit in his lap. I noticed instantly that my recitation had affected him more than I thought.

“Seducing the purest and naivest girl” I purred, smiling bigger and playfully placing my thumb in his lower lip to caress there. “can have unexpected consequences, you know?”

“I do.” he flushed and swallowed, his Adam’s apple moving up and down.

Sometimes I wondered if Viktor was conscious of how many facets of me he helped me to discover. What I was, in large part was thanks to his presence in my life. And, of course, that side of me existed fully because I was the one seduced in first place.

I took away my finger from his mouth, replacing it with my mouth. Viktor groaned inside the kiss, his hands grabbing hard my thighs. Pleased with how needy he seemed, I rocked my hips, causing him make a muffled panting at rubbing his cock against the fabric of my pants. When I repeated the movement, Viktor broke the kiss, freeing a whine and tilting his head back against the bed’s headboard.

“What is it, _Vitya_?” maybe I was enjoying a little bit too much teasing him.

He gazed at me with a furious disbelief, and his hands started to make his way inside the edge of my shorts. I grabbed his wrists, not letting him go any further. Viktor grumbled, starting to seem desperate.

“What are you looking for, love?” I laughed.

“Yuuri…” he sighed, almost moaning.

“What?” I leaned to his face, admiring better his lewd expression.

I was about to kiss him, and, as he did before, at being inches from each other, I leaned back and left him with the desire of it.

“The truth is” I panted dramatically. “that it’s hot today. Maybe it’ll better that” I let him go and grabbed the edge of my shirt, stripping off. “I take this off.”

I left it on the nightstand. Viktor’s pupils where fixed on me and expanded, his need more and more evident. I made a grimace, pretending to be displeased.

“It’s still hot.” I complained, getting up from his lap and standing up off the bed. I took my pants off, returning immediately to the same position, now naked. “Better.”

Right away, I felt his cock twitch under me, and I laughed to avoid panting. I wanted to continue with the teasing, but without even having time to process it, I was down on the mattress again, bouncing a little because of the impact, and Viktor laying on me.

“You’re the cruelest man I’ve ever met” he uttered with a deep voice, eyes full of impatience, close to my face and pressing deliberately his body against mine without any mercy.

“I’ve learned from somebody.” I sunk my teeth in my lower lip, trying not to go crazy at the touch of his skin.

“But you haven’t learned everything.”

He moved to catch the lube from the nightstand’s drawer, tossing it aside and returning to me immediately.

The trace of his kisses was hurried, needy, his lips going through my neck, biting and sucking. He used to take his time in this, but this time he didn’t, going down my body faster than normally. When he was at the level of my hips, and after placing a few kisses in my thighs, he picked my legs up, placing them above his shoulders and rested on his back, he settled in between. He glanced at me from his position, and the lust in his face gave me a full body shudder. My head was already somewhere else due to the expectation so I couldn't discern what he planned to do.

Viktor struggled a bit with the lube’s bottle, but soon he was taking his wet fingers to my entrance, caressing and taking away moans from me, not delaying in push one of them inside.

Right after, I began to feel a heat sensation increase there that, even being greatly pleasant, confused me. Viktor noticed and smiled.

“A new one. Warming effect.”

I panted, understanding. Already surrendered to his touch, I let him do.

He leaned down more, supporting himself on his left forearm, his hand firmly gripping my hip. While he was opening me up slowly, he started to lick my cock at this same pace, making me groan loudly. I closed my lids, not totally sure that my body was able to process all that at once; but, to be honest, I didn’t really care. I grabbed the sheets, trying to find some stability and keep my cries at a decent volume in order to not wake up the entire neighborhood.

I felt how he introduced the tip of my cock in his mouth, making pressure with his lips, at the same time he pushing another finger in me. The groan that came with that was pretty chocked and horrible. He really was driving me crazy. It felt too good.

It didn’t take much longer for me to feel all my body heated and trembling because of the pleasure. My muscles warned me that maybe I was pushing my limits of the tiredness too much, but I ignored it. I didn’t want for Viktor to stop, even if that shattered me.

Thinking coherently was hard; I was barely able to move. But I eventually noticed the trembling of his left arm. He had been supporting for himself in it for too long, adding as well the weight of my legs:

“Vitya, stop.” I babbled hardly, alarmed, right after taking off my legs of his back. “You’re hurting yourself.”

He stopped everything immediately, kneeling, a bit confused. I sat in front of him, taking his face on my hands to kiss him.

“Let me top now, okay?”

“Okay.”

Viktor laid on the mattress. Then, I placed myself above him, my legs on his sides. He was too beautiful.

“Can I?” my petition sounded a bit chocked.

He nodded, lightly blushing. I aligned my entrance with his cock, pushing it inside without trouble. I panted, and stayed still a few moments until I got used to it.

When I felt ready, I started to move, making us both moan. Viktor grabbed my hips as usual, his grip firm, and eyes always on me. The warming effect of the lube spread even more, mixing with our own heat. I was nearly on the extreme of the overstimulation. The foreplay left me almost in the edge. My legs trembled, but I wanted to slow the pace down, not when Viktor seemed so turned on.  

I bitted my lip, trying to breathe deeply, feeling my orgasm near. I didn’t want it to be over so soon.

Suddenly, Viktor’s gaze filled with determination, his grip tougher, making me harder to move, and, then, he pushed his hips up, he taking the pace now. If I was already seeing stars, he took my cock on his hand, and just focused on caress the tip of it.

I came with a sharp moan, my body shaking and weak. If it wasn’t for his hand in my hip I probably had fallen to a side or backwards. I thrown my head back, breathless. Viktor sat right after, holding me better with both hands on my back. At this, I straightened it again, facing a worried expression on his face.

“Are you okay? I went too far?”

I laughed, because it had been more than my tired body could have handled, definitely. I should have been smarter and cut the teasing down, but I was weak for Viktor, so I allowed myself to push my limits anyway.

“Yes. Don’t worry.” my voice was still chocked.

“You should have told me if you were so tired.”

“I’m fine.”

I placed our foreheads together, shutting my eyes and enclosing my arms around his neck. When I tried to move my hips again, Viktor made his embrace firmer, stopping me.

“Enough for today.”

“No. I want to make you come.” I uttered, furrowing.

“Yuuri…” he began with a protest tone.

“I’ll go slowly.” I cut him off quickly. “ _Please_.”

Viktor grumbled in disagreement, but at last he sighed, loosening his arms around me. I started my movements again, catching Viktor’s moans in my mouth. Satisfied because of the sounds I was taking from him, I speeded up the pace.

“You said slowly.” he panted. “ _Yuuri_.”

“Can you just hush and enjoy it?”

“ _No_ ” I pushed down suddenly, taking him fully inside of me, he groaning deeply at it. “ _You’re impossible_.”

“The two of us are, then.”

I made a last effort to make him come, both holding the other. Viktor rested his forehead on my shoulder, exhausted, still on me, panting.

After this, we cleaned ourselves and returned to the bed. I just let myself fall flat on it. Viktor helped and covered me with the sheets, the worry in his eyes. My head was spinning, my skin tickled, and, moreover, the tiredness wasn’t helping in keeping my lids up.

“I think I’m going to ban you from sex for a time.” he said, joking, but concerned.

“You wouldn’t dare.” I muttered with half of my face buried on the pillow.

“Oh, yes, I definitely would.”

“Well, you’d be ending it soon because you’d be suffering more than I would.” honestly, that was mostly a lie.

“Try me.”

“More?” I smiled slyly. “I thought it was enough for today.”

Viktor grumbled of exasperation, took the sheets and covered me fully. I laughed out loud, uncovering myself. He just had laid face up, arms crossed over his chest. I rolled to his side, pressing my cheek on his shoulder.

“Don’t be grumpy. You fed me that one.”

He muttered something incoherent and pouted. I smiled against his skin and hugged him. His warmth was so nice. It made me feel very somnolent.

“You are so cozy…” my eyes closed unavoidably, and yawned.

I felt how he laid on his side, embracing me, and that he talked, but I didn’t caught what he said pretty well. I fell asleep soon after in Viktor’s arms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are some mornings that when waking up you already have the feeling that it’s not going to be a very pleasant day.

A huge thunder broke my sleep before the alarm sounded, giving me a bad scare. Outside it was happening a considerable storm: the downpour was loud and the wind was hitting furiously the windows. When I recovered from the scare, I just laid there, caressing a still asleep Viktor, deciding that it didn’t mattered, so we’d get to the rink by car.

However, as it seemed, that wasn’t going to be like that; not for me, at least.

The morning went as usual: we woke up, took a shower —something necessary after the night activities we had got involved in—, and had breakfast in calmness. And when we finished eating, we set the dishwasher on.

And the calm shattered two minutes after that.

The dishwasher decided to break and start to overflow by some crack, making a mess all over the kitchen.

For better or worse, I had experience with dishwasher which had fountain complex. In Detroit, the appliances Phichit and I had weren’t precisely the best of the best, and our dishwasher broke continually, so I had a certain idea of how to rig it.

With that premise, and so Viktor had to be at the rink no matter what, I said that I was staying there to fix it and then I’d catch the bus.

He hesitated, but hadn’t another option but leave for practice.

After a whole hour fighting with the junk, I rigged it, or at least I made it stop the overflowing. It took another thirty minutes to dry the floor completely, and I had to change my clothes once more.

Finally, I could grab my bag, an umbrella, and get out the apartment to go to the nearest bus stop.

Soon after walking on the street, the umbrella broke because of the wind, now useless and leaving me out in the open. I considered returning home, so I was all soaked and my bag too, also everything inside it —and training on the ice wearing wet clothes wasn’t a clever idea—. But I already was far from the apartment and wasn’t really worth it. I decided I’d borrow something from Viktor when there, even if wasn’t comfortable or oversized for me.

Catching the bus to avoid the rough weather had no sense now, and doing it would take me more time to arrive than if I just went on foot. So completely soaked, annoyed, having had to take my glasses off because the rain made me see worse with them than without, and shivering, I changed my way and walked directly to the rink.

When I arrived there, I was already in a pretty foul mood. I was making strides, keen to get inside the building, but I stopped at noticing a presence staying still on the stairway to the lobby’s porch, holding a black umbrella.

Every single thought vanished from my mind, staying rigid right there.

I couldn’t see totally well, but the figure seemed familiar.

I approached, now slower, and the other person became aware of me then, looking up.

Iván.

The first I felt was fear, grabbing harder my bag’s handle, in case I had to use it in my defense.

But soon I realized I shouldn’t have to be afraid of him. We weren’t near enough for him to physically reach me. Besides, we were in the middle of the street, cars passing constantly in front of the building, and we could be seen perfectly from the rink’s windows.

And I wasn’t going to bow my head, nor let him scare me. He didn’t deserve it.

Without saying anything or glancing at him, I made and act of bravery walking towards the door, showing myself firm and swallowing down the growing oppression on my chest, with prudential distance although:

“Yuuri, wait.” he said right away.

I stopped. Hearing him pronounce my name just like that bothered me enormously. My mind dulled because of an abrupt rage, not letting room for anything else. All I had been putting aside over those days emerged suddenly.

I could not understand how he dared to show up there after what he had done, how he even dared to be so near Viktor.

“I need to talk with you.” Iván begged.

At this, I felt like as burst in laughter as turning around and throw the bag to his face. He hadn’t the right to ask for anything.

I made one more step further, about to get into the building, my hand already pushing the door.

“Please.” he shouted, still pleading.

Something inside me made click at his plea, and I turned to face him with anger.

“Go away,” I had never been so irate. “or I assure you I’ll call the police and bring charges as I should have done already.”

Iván pressed his lips and breathed deeply, looking at me with certain sadness.

“If that’s what you want, go on. I won’t stop you. But first listen to me.”

“What makes you think I want to hear anything you say?” I almost yelled. The fury was burning me as if melted iron was running through my veins.

“I don’t. But _I need_ you to do so.” the desperation seeped in his words, but I didn’t believe a single thing that was coming from him at that point.

“ _How are you so shameless_?” he was unbelievable.

Iván hesitated at my roughness, not having expected such reaction. And it was true that that anger wasn’t typical of me; any person that had treated me minimally knew it. But I was really furious. Iván had hurt Viktor in the lowest way, and that was something that went beyond my own fears or worries; I couldn’t let it pass.

“Yuuri,” he sighed. “I just want to say sorry and tell you I’ve never had the intention to hurt you actually.”

I almost busted into laughter. What was he expecting with that? How he could even think I’d believe after what he had done?

“And it’s the truth.”

My reaction at this last word was as it had been the worst verbal attack that he could have spoken.

“You’ve never said a single thing that has been true.” every word I yelled felt like fire burning in my tongue. “Do all of us a favor and go away already.”

I tried to leave once more, and when he stepped forward fast, calling me again, I turned sharply and gave him murderous look, this time caused by the panic and not by the anger. Despite all, he had assaulted me, so I didn’t trust any of his moves.

“ _Don’t you get any closer_.”

Iván stopped immediately, staying still some meters away from me, an indecipherable expression appearing in his features, and stepped back, under the rain again. I didn’t want him near me, and a lot less near Viktor.

This thought made all the alarms in my head sound, suddenly feeling a huge fear. What if he had returned to end what he had begun, and this time not through me but going directly to his real target? But I made it vanish quickly. It was impossible. Viktor was surrounded by people. Iván couldn’t have gotten enough close to do anything. However, he wasn’t near me the last time and made a real mess anyway.

“What are you here for, actually?” I uttered firmly, even when I was pretty afraid.

“I’ve told you. And you can relax because I’ll go away, and I promise I won’t bother you two again. I just didn’t want to leave without apologizing.”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

He furrowed, looking down at the puddly floor, his hair covering his eyes.

“I won’t, Yuuri. I regret what I’ve done, but this doesn’t imply I don't hate him, or that I've forgot what he did to me.”

I dropped my bag, letting it fall with a sharp sound, as if I put down with it my insecurity, my fear, anything that could impede me to end with that issue once and for all. Right after this, I approached him, gazing intently at his eyes.

“If you’re not going to apologize with who you have to, you can go now. You already have what you wanted, don’t you? You wanted to make him suffer. So, _congratulations_. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.”

Iván made a grimace at my words, my roughness giving him in a bit.

“Yuuri…” his voice turned deep. “He took _everything_ away from me.”

“That’s not true.” I snapped, thinking the water soaked in my clothes would evaporate soon due to my fury. “You ruined your own life, Iván. Your problems weren’t because of him but because you’re unable to channel your frustrations.”

“He slept with my brother, _for weeks._ ” he said, with rancor. “I loved him, and _he knew_ , but didn’t care at all.”

“He _didn’t know_ what you felt. Did you think about telling him at some point, out loud, perhaps?”

He stayed still, straight faced, but soon he furrowed, as what I just said was disgusting.

“Also, everything is reduced to this? _For God’s sake_ , you weren’t even together.”

“That’s what he has told you?” he snickered, passing his fingers through his hair, showing his expression of incredulity. “What a liar.”

I was sure that that wasn’t as he said. We were right there in that situation because Iván had a blurred vision of the past events and took everything out of context, thirsty for vengeance and his irrational hate for Viktor.

“And if that was as you say, what?” I talked back. “If you and Fabi were so close, that shouldn’t have been enough to distance you. I don’t think he had slept with your supposed boyfriend if you had told him who he was. Neither Vitya, if he had known that Fabi was your brother. There’s something called communication, something essential in a relationship, and it’s clear that that was a wall you put between the three of you. So you don’t have the right to blame Vitya for it. But like this is easier, no? Like this you don’t have to face the truth.”

If some months ago somebody had told me I’d be confronting my fiancé’s ex-lover and my ex-friend, who had fooled and drugged me, with such assurance and fluency, I probably had laughed, thinking that wasn’t something that would never happen, that that couldn’t be something I could do. But I realized that if I had Viktor in mind, I was capable to deal with anything. And I wasn’t going to shut a single word before Iván, no matter what consequences it’d take. I wasn’t tolerating any of his tricks and dirty words anymore.

“You can’t understand.” his features turned shady.

“Because it’s _sickening_ , Iván; everything you've done. Of course I can’t understand. You say he didn’t care about your feelings, but you used me to hurt him as if I was a mere object, and that’s way worse. Do you even have a clue of the consequences that carried your acts? Do you realize how childish is searching revenge for something that happened like seven years ago when you two were practically kids?”

Suddenly, I felt extremely exhausted. I really didn’t know why I was wasting my time in that conversation. It was like talking with somebody that was in another dimension. I wasn’t going to obtain anything.

“Go away, Iván.” I sighed, right after turning away and walking away from him.

“Do you know” he shouted, when I was pushing the building’s door again. “why I didn’t do anything to you the other day?”

I hadn’t had the intention to make that longer, but his words brought in me a curiosity that was impossible for me to ignore, so I remained there, still.

“I hate Vitya, I’m not denying it, but I don’t want to be the reason of another person’s hate. I know it’s stupid to say this now, tho… And I get what you say, Yuuri, okay? I know what it seems, what _I_ seem. But you don’t know what these years have been for me. I tried to forget, to move on and… I couldn’t, not if he didn’t feel at least a minimum part of the suffering I’ve went through because of him. I thought it’d be easy, do it and leave, but I met you better and, _god I’m tired_ , I… You are a good boy. Mess with you was a thing I soon didn’t want to do anymore, not even to hurt Vitya. And I know I continued… I’m not excusing myself, I just… I know you’re not going to believe me, but every time I warned you about him, I did it sincerely. I wanted to save you, because I see myself in you, and you may think I’m lost cause, however, he is too, and sooner or later he is going to break you. No matter how much you love him, how much you care, I did and you…

“Enough!”

 _My limit got to there_.

 _I couldn’t bear it anymore_.

I ended the distance between us, turning around and approaching, facing him with a threatening pose.

“Don’t you ever dare to say again that you cared or loved him! You were and still are a childish kid that just pities himself and blame the others of his problems. You _never_ cared about him, never thought what he could need. You only searched for his attention and made a fuss when he stopped giving it to you. That’s not love, Iván: it’s obsession, possession. I’m not like you, and never will be. And don’t you think you know him. You have _no idea_. Vitya is the most incredible, kind, loving and unselfish man I ever met in my life, and you’re so damn blind. You could have ended this nonsense in the blink of an eye, get back part of your life, your friends. I was one of them, I really was. So… _What the hell, Iván_. Don’t tell me now you care about it, because obviously I won’t believe a single word. You asked to be lonely again, and this is your fault and you alone. And, you know what? I feel sorry for you.”

In that mute moment between Iván and me, surrounded by the rain and the thunders sounds, I knew everything was finally over.

“So just go away, and don’t come back.”

There weren’t more words. We had spoken all that had to be said. Everything was clear now. There was no reason to continue standing there in front of each other.

Iván nodded, eyes darkened, and turned around, walking away under the rain, the Viktor’s past ghost with him.

While seeing that tormented man’s figure disappear under the storm, the water seemed to carry away my anger, and I just felt pity.

I was sure that one day I could forgive him, but not yet, not with his acts’ consequences so present and latent. Deep down —very deep down— I hoped that he found peace somewhere, that he could live without all that hate inside, because at the end of the day I’d still have Viktor, my rink mates and friends, my family, but he hadn’t a single thing enough strong to hold him. And that wasn’t something I wished to anybody, not even him, even after all he had done.

In some place in his soul it should exist that smiling and warm boy I knew in little whiles, but he had been obscured due to the poison of rancor and hate, all the negativity host he had inside for too longer.

I didn’t know if I’d see him again; in that very moment I wished that I wouldn’t, but I felt something symbolic in that instant.

With his depart I hoped that chapter was closing at last, the shadow of that bad period vanishing. And different from the feelings of emptiness or sorrow such experience should have left in me, all I felt was hope. Now we could heal those wounds that remained in Viktor, end for once and for all with them and finally leave the past behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn’t until the night that I told him what happened.

I was sure he would be infuriate and that he would start to worry again for my security, and was too risky for him to face a whole training day with these things in mind.

Nevertheless, his reaction was pretty different.

He listened to me very quiet, not making a single move and his eyes fixed in me all the time, and when I was over he just said.

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

He hugged me weakly and we resumed cooking the dinner.

I was shocked that he took it so well, in comparison with how he did two weeks ago. I decided to think it was because the sleeping pill thing was worse and more traumatic, and this time we just talked. Anyway, I was happy we could move on.

But the following days his behavior started to be stranger than how it was already.

If Viktor’s mood hadn’t been too well lately, it worsened. At intervals he was really aloof, distant and dull, avoiding me when I tried to talk, and all of the sudden he was all love and affection, willing to spend every second of our free whiles fussing me over. I was so confused… I didn’t know if I was more concerned about his gloomy moods or his hyper-happy ones.

And then, after a few days, this weird behavior stopped, and Viktor went back to normal —kind of—. He was still moody, after all.

Nothing of this made sense to me. It was obvious that what triggered it was that I told him about the talk I had with Iván. Considering how his depression was affecting him, anything could be crossing his mind. And even when he tried to appear to be totally fine, he wasn’t, clearly: such instability wasn’t a good sign.

Didn’t mattered how impotent I felt about him not letting me do anything to help, I just had to still being patient and take things calmly. I wanted to make the right decisions.

But soon I realized that the collateral damage of his mood went far beyond.

I had been so focused in him that I had forgotten about myself.

I noticed one of the mornings of our days off. Viktor was specially gloomy and I spent almost all the morning trying to cheer him up, unsuccessfully, and suddenly it felt like a five tons rock falling on my head.

At the sight of the air starting to lack in my lungs and the trembling in my legs, I told him I was taking Makka for a walk. With this pretext, I got out the apartment in a hurry. Makka practically dragged me to the park we usually took her, and when I set her free, I dropped myself on a bench, panting and feeling the tears burn my eyes.

I felt desperate, frustrate and terribly useless.

It had been weeks, and I we hadn't made any progress. I wasn’t even able to make him feel a bit better, and he didn’t want to search for help by himself, turn to somebody that knew what to do. Because I didn’t, I truly didn’t; I was groping in the dark. Even when I was making my best, it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

And now I was having an attack.

I stayed there, bouncing my leg, trying to collect myself and focus again. I got to hold the tears, but it took me a long while to be able to walk and not suffocate.

When we came back home, Viktor didn’t notice and I didn’t tell him.

Was in that moment I saw the rift that had opened between Viktor and me, starting to pull us apart slowly, and both of us were just making it bigger.

We always were returning to the same point, making the same mistakes again and again, never making a total progress. And that was just our fault.

At that rate the consequences would be irreversible. I knew it perfectly, and even like this I hadn't the guts to face it right then, remaining silent once more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Viktor had fallen totally asleep. As for me, I was too concerned to get to sleep. I had no clue of how much I had been staring at the ceiling, trying to focus on the sound of his breathing or the traffic outside to restrain my thoughts, which was all worthless.

Suddenly, Viktor rolled through the mattress, embracing me while dreaming, placing his hand on my bare chest, freeing a faint satisfaction murmur. The warm touch of his skin against mine electrified me.

I didn’t want to lose that.

I felt unable to live a life without him by my side. It seemed impossible, madness. And I knew I had to act quickly, but I was demotivated, without having an idea of what I had to do to fix the things between us.

Viktor was in a pretty moody phase, all affecting him excessively and I had the feeling I was making it worse. Moreover, considering his guilt bursts, I didn’t dare to tell him my anxiety was worse lately, so that would be disastrous for him. And there was the issue: I couldn’t tell him how I felt, so I had to swallow it, then he was worse and I was too, and neither of us was being sincere or going to the other. I felt lost, not sure of what was right anymore.

And I couldn’t hold it inside any longer.

Carefully, holding his head, I placed him on the pillow and slipped out the bed. I grabbed my pants, which had ended on the floor near the bed’s bottom at some point in the night, and after putting them on I slinked off quickly to the bathroom.

Not even bothering to turn on the lights, I closed the door and sat on the toilet cover, starting to cry after so many days holding it back. I really needed it, even being a hurtful relief.

I had tried with all of me to avoid the poisonous thoughts and insecurities, but I couldn’t do it more. I had thought I could be enough strong to deal with the new circumstances and that it would be easier now Iván was gone for good; however, I was wrong.

Maybe my presence there was bad for him, even if Viktor said otherwise. After all, his headaches had its origin in me, in my faux passes.

Actually, I wasn’t discerning what thoughts were caused by digression or which ones had grounds.

I just wanted to cry and not think for a while. I had the hope that once I vented it, my head would be clearer.

My crying should have been noisier than I pretended to, because, a few minutes after getting there, I heard the knob creaking at being turned. I raised my head, alarmed, facing the figure of Viktor under the door’s frame. He whispered my name with an expression as shady as the darkness around us, and stepped inside the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Viktor approached, kneeling in front of me:

“What happens, love?” he placed his hand on mine, which was gripping unconsciously my knee.

The sight of our hands together, one of the rings gone, broke me even more. But I snuffled, drying the tears with my fingertips.

“It’s nothing.” I muttered, my voice cracking and taking away all the truthfulness on my words.

I looked down to the floor, my gaze fixed on the tiles, trying to restrain the hiccup.

“Yuuri,” he said softly, a couple minutes after. “I think we should talk seriously.”

That’s what I had wanted for days, to hear him say it, and maybe was due to that he was worried to see me cry or concerned about his own issues, but the way his voice sounded made me shiver in fear.

I gave him a faint nod, not daring to raise my head yet, fearing what I could find in his eyes.

“I’m aware of how much you’ve tried to help me and look the other way about my behavior, and I’m thankful for it, don’t get me wrong, but… I see what it makes to you too.”

I raised my head slowly, confused. Viktor smiled faintly, and it looked more like a sad grimace.

He noticed even when I tried so hard to hide it. And he didn’t seem mad.

I felt even guiltier now.

He took his other hand to my face, drying away some left tears softly with his fingers, in a fond gesture.

“Since we live together you have been hiding to cry too much, you know? And that’s not okay.”

I furrowed, disconcerted. Viktor didn’t stop to caress me, even when there weren’t more tears.

“I don’t want to make you cry anymore, Yuuri.”

“You don’t.” I protested immediately.

“You sure? Can you tell me sincerely I’m not the reason why you slipped away from the bed in the middle of the night to lock yourself in the bathroom to cry?”

We held our gazes a few seconds in silence, and then his breathing cut out and he nodded slightly, looking down sorrowfully.

“I’m just worried, Vitya.” I hurried to say, not wanting for him to get the wrong idea. “You’re not letting me help you. I have the feeling you’re pulling me apart, and I get frustrated, and, okay, maybe I haven’t been well from the anxiety these last days but…” the continuation of my explanation died in my throat, knowing I had no excuse. “I’m sorry I haven’t told you. I just… I thought you maybe would feel guilty and I didn’t want to add more burdens. And I know we talked about this. I shouldn’t have kept quiet. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay.” he sighed and glanced up, at me, again. “I knew it already.”

I felt stupid as for keeping it from him when he noticed anyway as for breaking our promise to be more open to the other. But now I had told him I felt a bit better.

“I never had the intention to make you feel like this, or pull you apart, even though I did it anyway. Since what happened with Iván I’m not very sure where my mind is. And I’m pretty upset about it, to be honest.”

His features became obscured by sadness, stopping his caressing suddenly and looking really downcast.

“I think I need” he made a pause, his voice trembling. “space.”

I was petrified at his words, completely frightened.

“Oh, no.” he muttered right after my terrified expression, straightening on his knees, now between my legs, and grabbing my hands on his, our faces at the same level. “No, Yuuri, I wasn’t referring to _that_. “

I relaxed a bit, but I was still confused.

“To what, then?”

He hesitated, insecure, tilting his head to a side and squeezing my hands more tightly.

“Just to spend a few days by myself. I need to collect my thoughts; that’s all. And don’t misunderstand me; it’s just that it’s hard for me seeing you like this and not make bad decisions. And I’m not going to lie. I've been so strange lately because it crossed my mind that maybe the best was to break up but…”

“ _What_?” I chocked.

“No, no, don’t freak out.” he let my hands go and placed them in my face. “It was foolish. I know. I don’t want to. It was just a thought. I’m too selfish to do so. There no other place I want you more than right here with me. But, anyway, I think we both are exhausted because what has happened, and we can’t go on like this or we will end burned out.”

I felt a cold sweat starting to appear in my nape. I believed him, but the thought that he contemplated breaking up was terrifying.

“I’m sorry about all this, darling. My mind has been a mess. I’m still a bit afraid that could happen something to you. I didn’t expect Iván returning, and it broke me a little. I tried not to let it bother me, but it’s still hard, and I start to get inside the loop of ‘I’m hurting you’ thoughts, and everything that follows, you know what I’m referring to… And I know I’ve made the things hard for you. Honestly, I’m mad at myself to probably having depression; maybe it’ll sound stupid but… It bruises my ego. Even so, I love you, Yuuri,” a lovely fondness filled his gaze, mixing with the sorrow. “and I made this decision because now I know that if I go on like this I'm going to lose you, and that’s not an option for me. I really struggled in how to ask you this. I didn’t want to offend you or make you feel like I’m disregarding your effort. But I truly think I’m not the only one who could use this. These months had been rough for you too, in good part because of me, and you need a break.

All that was taking me really off guard.

I had been thinking for days what was crossing his mind, and excluding the breaking up thing, I had been expecting something worse.

He just had told me what he needed, what could I do for him, and that’s what I had been waiting for all those days. 

In the end all what Viktor needed was space to collect himself, and I definitely could give him that.

I wasn’t disappointed or hurt about him needing a few days alone. I could understand, and it was welcome if would help to fix everything.

And he was right. I was pretty stressed out about everything too. However, now that we had been sincere, I felt better. The uncertainty had been really killing me.

“Yuuri, say something, please.” he begged at my silence, a little scared.

I didn’t even notice I had been quiet for so much time.

“Are you angry?” he asked in a whisper.

I shook my head and hugged him. He barely moved, just taking his hand to my back shyly. I hid my face in his hair, a few seconds immersing myself in the scent of his shampoo still remaining there, and I was relieved.

Now he was letting me help him to feel better, even if took to be a time apart from each other. I was willing to do whatever that was necessary for us to be fine again.

“I’m happy you’ve told me.” I said finally, still a bit hoarse. “And it’s fine. I understand that you need time alone.”

“You do?” he sounded soothed.

“Yes.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The rest of the night consisted in talking about what we were going to do exactly.

We decided we were going to spend a week apart and keeping the communication low, so he could be in calm and think, and taking it as a brief holiday separately and not as what it really was.

In the beginning, Viktor insisted that he was the one leaving, but I refused. If he did that, Yakov will end him, so it wasn’t an option.

Then I remembered Phichit’s invitation.

I had declined it previously, but I could go there by myself, just visiting, staying in a hotel and not his house. Besides, going to Bangkok was perfect. I could still train in the rink that was there, I’d be in a neutral place and I could see Phichit, so I wouldn’t be all day with Viktor in mind.

Even when my call woke him up and I didn’t want to tell what was all that about, Phichit was over the moon about me visiting him and didn’t care at all about my sudden change of mind. He insisted strongly that I’d be staying in his house, so I had no other option but accept. After that, I bought a ticket by Internet to take a plane that very morning.

Viktor told me he would be starting therapy while I was out, which made me feel even more relieved. I was so happy that he was searching at last for professional help.

But that mood didn’t last much.

The conversation turned uncomfortable when Viktor brought up the wedding, and what he said settled a sharp tension between us. If wasn’t because I refused to continue talking about that, we’d probably ended having an argument.

Viktor wanted to postpone it, saying he didn’t want us to do it when he wasn’t well yet. It sounded like an excuse. It hadn’t any kind of sense when he was the one that lifted his conditions for us to marry sooner, who had been excited for it a few nights ago. So it hurt me.

We were barely a month from the date, and that he suddenly was deciding to cancel it got me upset. He felt bad for telling me, it showed in his face, and more when my disappointment was so evident.

I ended the talk, not wanting us to fight before I go.

After that, and while I was packing my suitcase, he followed me with his sad gaze all the time, backed against the door’s frame without saying a word.

The hours passed too fast, and we already were walking through the airport, arriving to the place where we were forced to say goodbye.

Suddenly, I felt very conscious of everything, the sounds around me, the weight of the suitcase I was carrying, that in a few minutes I’d leave Viktor’s side for first time in months and the real reasons why I was going to take a plane.

I had a knot in the pit of my stomach.

Viktor and I looked at each other, and, just after, we were hugging almost with desperation. His arms squeezed me hard, so much I thought we would fuse.

“This doesn’t seem a good idea anymore.” he muttered, the fingers of one of his hands interlacing in my hair.

“We have to do it. It’s just a week.” I said, avoiding my own distress.

“I know we’ve said we wouldn’t but… Call me if you need something, _anything_ , okay?” I felt the desperation in every one of his words, and it broke my heart.

I hid my face on his neck, memorizing how his closeness felt, the smell of his cologne, knowing already that these seven days would be hell. We were doing that for the sake of our relationship, I needed to keep that in mind.

“I'm sorry about what I’ve said about the wedding. I…”

“It’s okay.” I cut him off. I didn’t want to bring that up now, not when I was about to go.

I saw in a clock on a near wall the time, warning me I had to go already if I did want to take the flight.

I cursed the clock for reminding me I had to go, I cursed myself, I cursed every single year of loneliness and the persons who were near Viktor and never noticed he needed help. I cursed everything that had taken us there, about to put almost a whole continent between us.

I leaned back, facing his wet and sorrowful eyes and I held back a groan. That expression would haunt me all the week, for sure.

“I have to go.” I whispered, reluctantly.

“It’s the time?” he made a grimace.

“Yes.”

He freed a broken panting and cupped my cheeks with his hands, caressing there, glancing at me like he was apologizing in silence.

“If you make that face, I can’t go.” I complained half-jokingly.

“Fine.”

“ _No_ , Vitya.” I closed my eyes, now exasperate. It was hard enough to make it even more. “Really, I have to go.”

I had his lips in mine in the blink of an eye. He kissed me vehemently, to the beat of his faint breathing, like it was the last time he would do so.

When we broke the kiss it felt as a part of me had been stripped off me by the force, and the panting of disconformity that Viktor made shook me internally.

“I love you, Yuuri.” he kissed me again, this time briefly. “I do love you.”

“I know. I love you too.” I murmured, still overwhelmed by his kiss.

“Take care, please.”

“That’s what I should say to you.”

After another brief kiss and a goodbye, I started to walk away, struggling to not turn around and jump into his arms. I gave my ticket to one of the workers there, doing the protocol of the metal detector and all. When I arrived to the other side, I turned at last, and Viktor was still there, never taking his eyes off me.

I didn’t want to go to a place where those blue eyes couldn’t reach me. It shouldn’t be like that. Viktor and I weren’t made to be apart.

It was ironic that that was the measure we had to take to heal ourselves.

I bid farewell definitely waving my arm in the air, and he answered with a splendid smile, making me feel like crying, returning the gesture right away, the sparkle of his ring noticeable even in the distance.

It was time.

When I turned around to walk to the terminal, the tears started to fall down my cheeks.

I was going to miss him; it didn’t matter if were hours or days the time we had to be apart, the lack of his presence always left a huge emptiness.

But it was fine. I had the absolute certainty that this time, when I came back, we would do the things right, fixing our mistakes and leaving the past behind.

Because if there was something I knew, and it was irrefutable, was that no matter what, even if to reach it we had to take distance, we would always find each other in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are again!  
> I had been struggling with this chapter and I was a bit demotivated. Writing in a language that isn't your native one it's very limiting sometimes. But, whatever, I'll continue doing it anyway. I have nothing to lose. 
> 
> By the way, if nothing changes, when I finish this I'll be doing the Viktor's POV, which will be way longer. I've been wondering to do it for a while, and I find it'll be interesting to go in depth in his depression and how he sees his relatioship with Yuuri. So when I publish the last four ones that are left, the story will continue still. 
> 
> About what Viktor reads in this chapter, it's **Don Juan Tenorio** (1844) by **José Zorrilla**. It's a favorite of mine and I suddenly realized it goes very well with the Eros thing (so I had to do it). The play it's originally written in Spanish, but it's traduced in some languages, in [French](https://archive.org/stream/donjuantenorio00zorr/donjuantenorio00zorr_djvu.txt) -for example-. I'm leaving here the passage that Viktor reads, and the full play [here](http://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Spanish/donjuanpart1act1.htm):
> 
>  
> 
> _"Oh, my angel of love, do you see that on this secluded shore the moon shines clear and pure_  
>  and one breathes more easily?"  
> "is it not true, my beauty pure, that they are breathing love?"  
> "Oh, my loveliest Inés, mirror and light of vision, listen without derision, as you do so, it’s love: yes, see here at your feet, I confess all the haughty pride of this traitorous heart inside that never thought to yield, adores you, my life, ah, I feel the slavery of your love."
> 
>  
> 
> And the song Yuuri recites it's **SPICE!** by **Hanatan & Pokota** (it's a cover from a Vocaloid song, but the original one sounds horrible to me). Here's the traduction:
> 
>  
> 
> _"Your bitter and sweet syrup, let me be the only one to lick it."_  
>  "With our touching naked skin and you taste, let me be completely filled and satisfied"
> 
>  
> 
> I'm sorry the notes gotten so long (oops!).
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://nuriaschnee.tumblr.com/) too, if anything. Comments and kudos are always welcome! See you soon! <3
> 
> Nuria Schne, xx
> 
> UPDATE: Since this couple of weeks I've been working on the correction of this, the next chapter will be posted around the 08/20.


	8. We could be here together 'till the end of time (if the stars align)

When I arrived to Bangkok I was torn, physically and mentally.

I got out of the plane and I dragged myself through the airport’s whiteness like a specter, barely perceiving my own steps, feeling heavy and, at the same time, empty.

I just left that kind of fuzziness when I heard my name exclaimed by a familiar voice. I raised my head right away, my eyes meeting immediately the brown deepness of the ones of my best friend, who was jumping among the crowd of people waiting there too, waving his arm in the air frantically and giving me a genuine smile.

Then I ran. I ran to him like it had passed whole years since we saw each other for the last time. I ran to who was the savior of mine when I couldn’t trust myself, and he opened his arms to me, giving me a fond and excited smile, squeezing me tightly when I collided against him.

Phichit laughed, happy, and I with him, thrilled for a few seconds, until my laughter died, turning gradually into crying, the tears making their appearance again. I hid my face in his shoulder and he just continued hugging me, caressing my back in a comforting way.

I was so tired of crying…

Fourteen hours in a plane, without being able to move, gave me too much time to mull over everything that had happened.

I still believed what I thought when I said goodbye to Viktor hours ago, but the weight of the situation increased with the passing of the minutes, and it hurt excessively.

Even if it was good for the both of us, it was going to be really hard.

Phichit moved us in a light swinging, holding me in his arms all the time, until I realized the scene I was making and I pulled back, embarrassed, wishing my mask could hide my whole face.

My friend just glanced at me fondly, passing an arm over my shoulders.

I was sure that Phichit had intuited more or less the reason of my sudden visit. That I warned him at midnight, without giving explanations and saying that I was going to go by myself were enough hints.

“Let’s go for your luggage, okay?”

I nodded, letting Phichit guide me through the airport.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I woke up a few seconds had to pass before I oriented myself.

The sunlight that entered by the window was blinding, my skin was sticky because of the sweat and every piece of my existence hurt.

I sat on the bed, rubbing my dry eyes, trying to get a better look of the room I was in, still sleepy.

There was not much to see. It was a small room, with a single bed and a wooden wardrobe, and the white walls and sheets absorbed the morning light.

I was in the guest room of Phichit’s house.

My suitcase was in a corner, on the floor, open and messy, and I sighed, thinking it was the exact portray of my mind.

The night before Phichit didn’t ask anything, he just started an easy conversation right after our reunion which lasted until we arrived to his house. He showed me its inside quickly and then he had let me rest. I remember collapsing on the bed after changing my clothes clumsily, falling asleep right away.

I felt bad at the memory of it all.

I had been very rude. Phichit had made the effort to stay awake until two in the morning to pick me up in the airport and I didn’t even greet him properly. Moreover, I barely payed attention to what he was saying or showing me. I didn’t even remember well how his house looked like. I made a mental memo to make up for it to him later in some way.

I got up from the bed before my thoughts went straight to Viktor.

The night before, somehow I got to send him a message to let him know I had arrived safe, but I didn’t know if he had said something back or not, and I wasn’t going to check it out yet. My head was too messy. If I did it I’d have the temptation to talk to him for sure, and that wasn’t what we had agreed to do.

Now I felt I had so much to say to him, even when I didn’t know what exactly. I was regretting getting angry about the wedding thing, and being so cutting with him at the airport when he tried to bring it up again. Maybe he had something important to say and I didn’t let him. Anyway, I had to wait a whole week to find it out… If the remorse hadn’t killed me before the week had ended.

I cursed under my breath.

I was doing it already.

Cutting out my guiltiness thread before it went too far, I shook my head and walked towards my suitcase. I stared at it. It made little sense to put on clean clothes when I was that sticky. I had to shower first.

So I got out the room, not caring about going in my underwear and a worn-out shirt. Phichit had seen me zillions of times like that, and worse. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt embarrassed around Phichit, not counting the times he was the one embarrassing me on purpose.

I found myself in a large living-dining room, with a large black sofa and a large TV in front of it, one shelve above it full of movie cases and a stereo system at its sides. At the left there was a glass and wooden cabinet with the medals Phichit had won until then. A hint of pride bloomed on my chest at the sight that the collection had increased. I smiled a little, seeing how far my buddy had arrived.

I took a quick glance at the kitchen, full of cupboards and with a round and large counter half encircling it, with a few stools at one side, and then I noticed Phichit.

A warm breeze muffled me, and I turned towards the opened sliding glass doors. Behind them were a porch and a little yard of green grass with a lot of colorful flowers all around. I heard a squeal, and I stepped towards there, finding a wooden bench and, near it, one of those suspended chairs hanging from the porch’s roof with Phichit sitting in it, his gaze fixed in his mobile’s screen. He raised his eyes to me immediately, giving me a sweet smile.

“Morning, Yuuri.” Phichit said happily.

“Morning.”

“Did you sleep well?”

The truth was that not much, but I preferred to make as it wasn’t like that.

“Yes, kind of.”

I rubbed my neck, feeling some ache there. I was already badly missing our bed.

Involuntarily, I made a grimace, not because my neck but the way my heart flinched at that thought and at picturing Viktor sleeping alone in my head.

Phichit’s smile fell a bit when he saw this, his expression taking on a hint of worry. A sigh escaped from his mouth. Even so, he stayed cool about it; apparently, at least.  

“Do you want to talk?” he almost muttered, cautious.

I nodded slightly. I was able to talk with him in person at last, and now, after resting a bit from the flight and everything in general, I felt more stable to do it. And, of course, I owed him an explanation.

“But if you don’t mind I’d like to shower first.”

“Sure! There are clean towels in the bathroom.” he stood up from the chair, tossing his mobile there. “I’ll make tea meanwhile.”

He gave me a hint of a smile and approached me. When I looked deep in his eyes, I felt better, comfortable, like the time hadn’t passed. Even when a lot of things had changed, we were the same two boys that lived together in an average apartment in Detroit, eating Chinese food in our second-hand sofa and watching _The King and The Skater_ for the thousandth time. Remember this helped, in some way.

“Thank you, Phichit. So much. I’m sorry for how I was yesterday.”

“What are you talking about?” he placed a hand on my shoulder, genuinely confused.

Of course. He’d never throw something like that in my face. Phichit cared about me, and even if I was in an awful mood he wouldn’t reproach it to me.

“Nothing.” I shook my head, trying to smile. “I’ll be right back.”

“Take your time.”

I went to the bathroom, which was behind one of the doors near the kitchen.

I’d have stayed under the water a bit more, but I would have got trapped too much into my own thoughts. Also, I didn’t want to waste water excessively. I was there for free, and it wasn’t my intention to inflate Phichit’s bills. Maybe during my stay I could buy some food and help with the chores. That would make me feel less guilty.

Once I was clean and changed, I felt lighter. The situation still weighed on my chest, but it was something.

I got out of the bathroom. Phichit was in the kitchen, serving two cups of tea. He turned to me, and extended one hand.

“Give me that.” he said, referring to the ball of clothes I had on my hand. “I’m going to put in the washer.”

I hesitated a bit, but I gave it to him. He grabbed the clothes and put them inside the machine. Then, he picked up the cups and tilted his head in the back yard’s direction.

“Let’s sit outside.”

We walked to there. Phichit insisted that I was going to sit in the chair, and he in the bench. Knowing that it was a lost cause arguing with him, and even more when he was clearly trying to comfort me, I sat on the cushions of the chair without protesting. It was really fluffy, to be honest.

He handed me one of the cups, and I smelled its content: green tea with mint.

“I bought some yesterday when you said you were coming, and” he turned to his side and picked up a box of chocolate sticks. “this too.”

I felt really spoiled all of the sudden. Phichit was being too attentive on me. He always did the same when something was bothering me. He knew I loved green tea with mint and those chocolate sticks, and, every time we had to do some serious talk about what was going through my mind, he bought them for me.

Phichit opened the box. Then, he passed it over to me and at the moment he laid his eyes on mine they went wide.

“Yuuri.” he muttered, concern in his voice.

At this I realized my vision was turning blur, my eyes dampening with tears. Quickly, I sniffled, smiling brokenly and placing a hand on my forehead.

“I’m sorry.”

Phichit stared at me for a few seconds, obviously worried but not saying a word.

I picked one chocolate stick and took a bite.

“These months have been really hard and this has given me memories.” I explained.

I was very sensitive and that plain and little treats seemed a huge gift right then. The months that followed the past season’s end carried with them a lot of changes and turns in my life. I had to move out to a foreign country, get used to how life was there and deal with a lot of problems. All that had been too huge for me to hold it up at the same time. In all those months I didn’t remember not even once I liked green tea with mint and chocolate sticks, and it was nice to do so, because it reminded me of a time life used to be simple. 

Talking about what had brought me right there maybe was going to make a bigger mess of me, but I was with Phichit, and I didn’t care if I shed some tears. For once I wanted to speak without having to care of the way my words were coming up.

I took a sip of tea and inhaled deeply, trying to collect myself before talking.

I explained everything to him, and he listened as carefully as always, not interrupting me nor a single time. I went through it calmer than I previously thought, maybe because my body was rejecting the pain of crying once more. But the truth was that I felt some peace there, with the aroma of the tea and breeze caressing my hair, being honest with one of the persons I trusted the most in this world. I really missed Phichit.

When I finished my explanation, Phichit backed against the bench, relaxing but still pensive, and freed a deep sigh.

“Well… I don’t think you two have made a bad decision. Ask for space it’s not as dramatic as it sounds. It’s just a week, anyways. But I understand why you’re so upset. The wedding thing is really crappy.”

“I just don’t get what matters if he is not well. I mean… He is going to pass through hard times at some point after we get married, and it’ll be the same, I’ll be there so… I don’t know why it is a reason to postpone it.”

“I don’t get it either.” he furrowed slightly.

“Right? It’s because it sounds like an excuse to me. Barely three weeks ago he was not caring about nothing at all. He even was willing to risk this season for us to have a decent honeymoon. And now he wants to put it off because he… I don’t really know.” I swung a bit the chair, as it eased my frustration.

“Maybe he will give it a second thought. Maybe he didn’t really think before saying it. He said that he thought about breaking up with you and, Yuuri, to be honest, I’m sure Viktor is capable to do a lot of things, but that’s not one of them. For goodness sake, every time I’ve seen you two together the man was unable to be at one arm’s length away from you. So he’s probably just muddled.”

I gave him a faint smile and looked down at my hand. It still felt strange to not wear the ring. It felt too empty.

“Let’s hope.” I uttered. “The worst is that I feel bad for complaining. I want it, but it’s his decision and I got mad about it.”

“It’s easy to understand, but I wouldn’t give it a lot of thought. Just wait to see how this week works for him.”

I sighed loudly, not totally convinced.

“Don’t make that face. I’m definitely right, period.” he pointed at me with a chocolate stick to emphasize his point, and then bit it.

Now I had talked to Phichit I was less stressed out, my chest feeling lighter. Nevertheless, I couldn’t avoid worrying and thinking about Viktor. I knew I had to try not to do so. That week was supposed to be a break, a brief recovery from everything we had went through. If I didn’t stop fretting I’d return home worse than I had left. Everything would be alright. It really would. And if Viktor didn’t want to go on with the wedding, I’d accept it and that’s all. We would be together anyway, married or not.

I really wanted to convince myself of that.

“You know what we are going to do?” he sat straight on the bench, placing a hand on one of my knees, a sly smile appearing on his lips. “We’re going to have the best week ever, and you’re going to have some revelry with your old pal, to wit, _me_ , and resurrect your college self a bit, okay?”

“If you mean drink until puke, no thanks.” I laughed.

It sounded good all the same. College was stressful, but now it felt like everything was lighter then. If I shared the melancholy of remembering those times with Phichit the memories hurt less, and it was a ton funnier.

“Such a pity. Nobody barfs as legendarily as you. Do you remember that Christmas Eve when…?”

“ _Shut up_.” I chuckled, covering my face with my palm at the memory. It still embarrassed me even with the years that had passed.

“Come on. You have to come with me to the club I usually go. It’s _super_ cool.”

“I agree if you promise we’ll not have more than two drinks.”

“Sure, sure.” he agreed not being very convincing.

“Phichit, _promise me_.” I didn’t want to end getting wild.

“ _Okay_ , _bogey_. I swear on my hamsters we won’t.”

“You better.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An incessant high-pitched sound was hammering my ears. I groaned. My head hurt a lot.

I opened my eyes, which burned and were dry. It was still dark outside and I was lying on Phichit’s sofa, the white shirt I was wearing unbuttoned completely and my pants gone. I didn’t gave it a lot of thought yet, too preoccupied in finding what was ringing in that horrible way.

Then I noticed my pants on the floor. The sound was coming from there.

I caught them, trying not to fall to the floor, and searched in one of the pockets until I found my phone. I dropped the pants again, and laid back down on the sofa, cursing Phichit for breaking his promise to not let me drink in excess.

When I saw the reason why my mobile was ringing nonstop, I gasped.

My notifications were blown up.

I clicked on the Instagram ones, fearing that Phichit posted something embarrassing. And yes, he did, but it wasn’t the thing that caught my attention the most. In the photo he had posted, there were a huge number of strange comments tagging me, Viktor and Phichit, a lot of them asking for an explanation and sharing links.

I entered Twitter, totally confused. Something similar was going on there too.

I had some missed calls from Viktor too.

Before freaking out, I opened one of the links that were everywhere on my notifications.

It was an article. When I saw the title of it I almost dropped the phone.

 

‘ ** _Trouble in paradise? Is the power couple of figure skating tearing apart?’_**

 

With my heart beating as fast as the wings of a hummingbird, I scrolled down the article. On the top it had a photo of me stepping away from Viktor at the airport, which had a poor quality, but it was clearly visible that the persons in it were us.

I gritted my teeth.

I couldn’t believe it.

It was not the first time I had seen a tabloid write something about me, or Viktor. They were always thirsty to catch something they could make drama about it. What was bothering me about the whole thing was that somebody had been taking photos of us in hiding, and that a lot of people were fussing over the article as it had some credibility.

I should have tossed the phone and forget about it, but muggins here scrolled down the article to continue reading.

 

‘ _Since a few months ago when **Viktor Nikiforov (28)** and **Yuuri Katsuki (24)** made public their engagement, the cutest couple of figure skating currently has stayed pretty much out of the public eye. We caught a few glimpses of them thanks to  Viktor’s Instagram, where the Russian living legend is very active nowadays. As we see in the photo below the couple still wears their engagement rings, and they had been seen at the back of some of the videos and photos a few of their rink mates have posted recently, as **Mila Babicheva (18)** or **Georgi Popovich (28)**. _

_But a couple nights ago the couple has been spotted in the Saint Petersburg airport seeing off and taking separate ways. Hours after this, a fan of Yuuri has posted on their Twitter a photo of the skater arriving to Bangkok and having a very emotive meeting with **Phichit Chulanont (21)** , his former rink and college mate when both lived in Detroit. _

_As can be seen by Phichit’s newest photo on Instagram, both skaters seem to be having a great time together on a Thai club. _

_On the other hand, this night Viktor has been seen meeting with an unknown man in front of the apartment the couple share, and entering the building together right after. As the photos taken of the moment show and as for the information our source has provided, the men looked very friendly and close to each other._

_All this has awakened a great stir among their respective fans. A lot of confusion is on the air and with it the questions have begun._

_Is the couple having a bad time? Is their relationship a commercial façade as some people has affirmed? Are true the rumors that involve Yuuri and Phichit sharing something more than a longtime friendship? Is Viktor having some kind of affair?_

_For now, only the time will tell._ ’

 

I stared at the photos taken of Viktor and the other man. In the first one Viktor was smiling, a hand on his shoulder and bending a bit forward, looking like he was saying something in his ear. Then at the other one Viktor was opening the door of the building for him, the same genuine smile on his lips.

I was raving mad.

Not because I thought Viktor was having an affair. He was not, of course. He would never. It was because somebody had been invading his privacy, taking photos of him so shamelessly. That was what was making me furious. I didn’t care if they talked about me or took photos. Although I didn’t like it a bit, I preferred it than if they did it with Viktor. And it wasn’t the first time that a tabloid was gossiping about me and Phichit, so it didn’t bother me much.  What I couldn’t understand was how they were implying Viktor was being fake or cheating on me. How they were _even daring_.

And I knew it was a tabloid, that it lived of the sensationalism, that most of the posts there were baseless and taken out of context, but I couldn’t help being mad anyways. I wanted to burn it up with my own hands.

I took a deep breath, rubbing my neck, closing my eyes and trying to calm down.

My ringtone started to sound. It made my head ache so bad that I wanted to throw the phone against a wall, but then I saw it was Viktor calling. I took it immediately.

“Oh, thank goodness!” he exclaimed in relief, and it felt like a punch in my eardrum. “Yuuri…”

His voice sounded deep and hoarse, like he was terribly harassed, nervous.

“Are you okay?” I said, stressed.

He said nothing.

“Vitya? Hi? Do you hear me?”

I heard a little whine at the other side of the line, and my heart flinched painfully.

“I’m sorry.” he said in a lower voice.

“About what?”

He hushed again. I was starting to freak out a little, but suddenly the article came to my mind. Viktor probably had seen it too. If my timelines where blown up, his had to be as well. There was no way he wasn’t aware.

“Because of the article?”

“Yes.” he breathed after a few instants.

“I’ve just read it. It’s bullshit.” I rasped.

“Are you mad?” Viktor asked fearfully.

I furrowed, rubbing my forehead with my fingertips, my headache increasing at remembering the affirmations and photos in the article.

“Of course I’m mad. They’re sticking their noses into things that none of their business and making stupid assumptions about it. I can’t believe they’ve been taking photos in hiding and even dared to imply you’re being unfaithful or faking it for publicity. It makes me sick. They’re like leeches. And what’s more, everybody is freaking out like it has some veracity.” I inhaled deeply once more, cooling my outrage, freeing a sigh after. “Well, occupational hazards, I guess. It’s not the first time, anyway.” 

“Wait…” he hesitated. “You’re not mad at me?”

I blinked slowly, not understanding.

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“I…” he started babbling. “You weren’t answering and I thought you…”

“I was out with Phichit. They’ve hurried to put it on the article.” I said this last thing cuttingly. “And now I was sleeping. It’s like six in the morning here. What are you doing awake, by the way?”

“You were sleeping.” Viktor muttered after a few seconds, as it was a big revelation, ignoring the last question I had made. “ _Oh_.”

I cottoned up all of the sudden.

“You thought I was mad at you because I had believed it?”

“ _No_.” he cleared his throat and sighed loudly. “I mean, yes? Kind of. I don’t know. I’ve just had a messy afternoon, that’s all. I’m just being dumb.”

His explanation was a complete shambles, his way of speaking denoted how worried and anxious he was. Suddenly I hated every kilometer that was separating us even more. I felt really useless so far away from him.

“I’d never think that you’re being unfaithful. So don’t worry, okay? I trust you.” I would have given anything to hug him in that very moment.

“I shouldn’t have even thought about it.” he was shaming himself again, and I had nothing else but words to try to stop it.

“It’s understandable. I’d have been stressed out too.”

The silence took the place of the words, and I was just audible his faint breathing and mine. I closed my eyes, placing my forearm over them, trying to imagine he was right next to me.

I would have said how much I missed him, how sorry I was for being so brusque at the airport. I would have explained to him that I was doing my best in trying to heal my wounds, but that it was hard because the only thing I was doing was to think about him, and it hurt. It hurt very much.

That was not the time, so I held it back, as well as I ignored my hungover and all the parts of my body that ached.

“We can talk about your messy afternoon if it’ll make you feel better.”

I felt his hesitation even with him not physically present.

“It’s possible that I have broken the front bumper and the headlamps of the car.”

My thoughts froze for a few instants until I processed what he was implying with that. I uncovered myself, my eyes opening wide, my hand grabbing the phone harder.

“What did you do?” I muttered, horrified.

He remained silent again.

“Did you have a crash?!” my tone turned high-pitched.

“Maybe?” he giggled guiltily.

I asked myself why the hell I had accepted to move even a meter away from him.

“ _Oh my god_ , Vitya! Are you hurt?!” I was truly freaking out now.

“Oh, no. No, Yuuri.” he hurried to say to try to calm me down. “I’m not, really. It hasn’t been anything serious.”

Grumbling, I shut my lids again. I was tempted to take a flight to go back to Saint Petersburg immediately.

“I’ve been pretty distracted today. I just braked too late on a signal and I hit the car in front of me.”

“I swear, when this week is over I’m not going to take a single step away from you never again.” I said half mockingly.

“I don’t want you to.”

I swallowed, and I almost made another guttural sound of frustration. How I was supposed to stay here if he said a thing like that in such a sweet tone? This had been his idea.

“You’ve had your first session today, no?” I remembered. It was a good way to divert the conversation, and I was really concerned about how it went.

“Oh, yes.”

“How did it go?”

“Fine. My therapist is very kind. She says I have moderate depression, and that it’s not chronic so I’m not going to be crazy forever.” Viktor snickered, but it was dull; he wasn’t joking.

“You’re not crazy.”

My seriousness cracked the conversation, but I was not willing to let Viktor call himself crazy. He wasn’t.

Viktor cleared his throat roughly, the discomfort noticeable even without being able to see his expression.

“She has given me medication. Is a bit of a pain because I have to inform the ISU and all, but it’s what there is.”

I hummed vaguely as an affirmation. I felt like all the conversation was being a huge disaster.

“Maybe I should let you sleep.” he muttered.

“No. I’m going to stay up. I have to kill Phichit.”

“Why?” this time he laughed sincerely, and it sounded like heaven’s bells.

“I made him promise he wouldn’t let me drink too much, but here I am, with _the_ hangover.”

“Well, at least you’re having fun.”

“Fun is what the other skaters are going to make of us when we appear at the rink today.”

At the very moment I said this I knew a coach scolding was coming right away.

“You shouldn’t skate if you’re not feeling well.” he said with severity.

“Says the one who continually appeared at the rink being hungover. Georgi told me.” I teased him, a faint smile on my lips. “But I did it too once or twice when I was at college tho.”

“If you don’t behave well I’ll come for you.”

“ _Sure_.” I laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had broken our rule of not contacting each other too much that time, but after that we maintained it for real. And it really felt like a test of endurance.

We hadn’t talked about the wedding thing or went in depth in how we were feeling. It would have made it harder.

There would be a plenty of time to talk about it when I was back at home.

And the week with Phichit was being fun.

His rink mates were so sweet, and I was glad to see Celestino again. After winning silver at the Grand Prix I was more content with myself, and no more embarrassed to come across my former coach. Some time, when we had the rink to ourselves, I showed Phichit my programs, and his delighted screams really made me happy. Nevertheless, the rink felt dull, empty, without Viktor.

During all the time we had passed together since he became my coach, I came used to the sound of his skates cutting the ice. I could discern without doubting how they scratched the surface, the pace that they took under my fiancé’s feet, the elegant dragging of them.

Without that sound, the rink wasn’t the same.

However, putting that aside, all resembled pretty much our college days, and it soothed my longing to the point that sometimes I completely forgot it.

So I was fine. Most of the time.

When the sun went down, and the fooling around with my best friend ended at the same time that the night fell, the feeling dug itself up.

It was my sixth day there and I was having a kind of a breakdown.

I couldn’t sleep that night, so I went out of the guestroom. It was late; two in the morning, to be precise. Phichit was sleeping, as it was reasonable after a training day. I should have been as exhausted as him, but I wasn’t; not mentally at least. My head was functioning at full speed.

Searching for the fresh air of the night, I slid and opened the door of the backyard, and I sat at the sofa the nearest of it I could. I shut my eyes, breathing the cool breeze, letting it harbor in my lungs and breathing it out as it could carry away my bother.

I didn’t know what bothered me exactly. It was more like a feeling on the top of my nape, haunting me.

I was worried about Viktor. I hoped this week was going better for him than for me. I didn’t felt like I was resting, healing; it was more like I was adjourning facing the problem. Even so, I was aware that it wasn’t like that. That week really was helping me to build back my energy.

After a while giving it a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that my problem was that I was afraid. The wedding thing was still making me upset.

Maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill. The original plan was to celebrate it after the next season’s end, which was months far from then, at any rate. But those weeks I had got so used to the idea that it was happening at last that now it hurt even more to wait.

And if Viktor had given me a good reason, one that was reasonable, I could accept it better. That was what scared me.

There had to be a real reason, a heavy and huge one, for Viktor wanting to postpone the wedding. He was so incredibly happy when I accepted to do it sooner, and prioritized the honeymoon over his career and come back as a competitor.

Not knowing what was the true cause of his change of mind was making those moments I had alone a torture.

It was not the unawareness per se what was making my head spin, but the range of possibilities that that implied.

But it was the dawn of the 12th, so in a couple of days I’d be at home again, and I could ask him and talk about it. They were going to be rough for sure.

I heard the woodblock creak, and I opened my eyes, turning towards the sound. Phichit was standing near the sofa, the sleepiness perfectly drawn in his features, wearing his summer pajama printed with a huge hamster on the shirt. He owned that since forever.

“What are you doing up?” I uttered, surprised.

“That’s what I say.” he approached and sat next to me.

“I’ve woken you up?”

“Nope. My best friend sense has done it. Something’s going round your head, right?”

At moments like that I thought that Phichit had that ‘best friend sense’ for real.

“Yeah. More or less.”

“You’re still bothered about the wedding.” Phichit affirmed without thinking it twice.

I grinned, looking at him, amused.

“Can you read minds or what?”

“ _Please_.” he smirked, tilting his head to a side. “I know you better than you know yourself. I can smell when you’re fretting too much about an issue.”

He opened his arms to me, inviting me to a hug, which I accepted gladly. I reposed my head in his shoulder, my forehead touching his neck, and he squeezed me fondly.

“I feel so childish…” I spouted softly. “I’ll be with him, married or not. I should be content with it.”

“It’s not a crime wanting to marry your fiancé. I mean, he’s your fiancé for a reason.”

“But I have to wait. And it’s annoying, and I feel like I had a fit about it when he told me he wanted to put it off, which I hate because I shouldn’t have behaved so stupidly. I have to respect his decision, and I do so but… I want it so bad that…” The frustration made me groan roughly.

“Well then… Just wait.” he caressed my hair.

“What kind of advice is that?”

“Mine.”

“Well, it doesn’t help me.” I pressed my lips, disappointed with his solution.

“It will. Believe me. Your wait will be shorter than you think.”

A sigh escaped from the bottom of my lungs, and I clung to him more, searching for the comfort Phichit always gave me when my mind was stormy.

“Do you think he regrets bringing the date forward?”

Phichit laughed as it was the funniest he had heard in a long time, and I pinched the skin of his back.

“Hey, don’t do that!” the smirk was in his voice too.

“Don’t laugh then. I’m concerned for real.” I pouted.

“He’s not, _silly_.” Phichit snickered, seeming to be having fun with my concern. “I’m totally sure. So don’t be so cranky. If I’m wrong I’ll marry you myself.”

“I don’t want you as husband.” I snickered teasingly.

He gasped, outraged, and I smiled genuinely.

“What you mean with that?” Phichit started to tickle me in revenge.

“I’d end having liver problems!” I guffawed while twisting and trying to free myself from his bony fingers. “Stop! Phichit, _stop_!”

He released me, and I ended lying in the sofa with my head in his lap. I looked up, finding his fond smile and lively brown eyes.

“Do you feel better now?”

I nodded slightly.

“See? All you need is a bit of Chulanont’s remedy.”

“That’s questionable. I’m not convinced of its reliability.”

“How you _dare_?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phichit was really excited about going out that afternoon. He assured me that Queen Sirikit’s birthday was a beautiful day to spend on the street. For some reason, he insisted very much in that I had to wear something decent. I hadn’t anything in my suitcase that convinced him, so he lent me a navy blue shirt and black pants with a belt that matched them. He even obliged me to style my hair as I did when skating. Everything was a little weird, but he was so happy that I couldn’t refuse.

We walked down the streets until we found a market, and suddenly all around were different languages mixed with the sounds of the traffic near there and the scent of food being cooked.

We stopped at the stalls, one by one. Eventually, we found one that was selling jewelry and other similar things. The two of us browsed curiously at the objects there. Suddenly, Phichit gasped and grabbed my forearm, claiming for my attention and pointing one of the necklaces that were hanging in front of us.

“Look!” he said, thrilled. “This suits you!”

I glanced at it. It was a sun, with its tips twisted like waves, and the center of it adorned with a golden gem. I raised a brow.

“Why a sun?” I asked Phichit.

“Because you resemble it.”

I chuckled. That didn’t have any sense.

Phichit said something to the seller while I was still glancing at the objects. There was various braided leather bracelets with engraved badges. I grabbed one, curious. The leather was black and the badge was round, two little wings drawn on it. It had a card tied with a thread to it, but it was in Thai and I couldn’t understand what was written on it.

Suddenly, something passed by my head to rest in my chest. I looked down confused at the light weight on there, finding the necklace Phichit had showed me. Then I raised my head to him and he gave me a bright smile.

“A gift.” he shrugged his shoulders and hummed happily. “Oh, _yeah_. It really looks good on you. I have the best taste.”

“You didn’t have to.” I said while stroking the sun.

“I know. But I felt like it.”

“Well. Thank you, then.”

He furrowed a bit, fixing his eyes on my shirt. Then, he approached me and unbuttoned the first two buttons of the garment.

“What are you doing?” I exclaimed.

“It’s better like this. Sexier.”

“ _Sicko_.” I breathed.

“Shut up. I know better.”

I rolled my eyes. Phichit glanced down at what I still had on my hand. At this, ignoring what he had just done, sighing, I showed him the card.

“What says on here?”

He caught it, reading, and then he giggled. I looked at him, puzzled at his amusement.

“It’s an amulet.”

“And what’s so funny?”

Raising slightly his brows, his eyes fixed on mine, and I could read slyness on them, a smirk appearing on his lips right away. Then, he looked down again.

“Eros, Greek god of love and sex. His wings will provide the owner of this bracelet luck on these aspects.” he read playfully.

I felt certain blush jump to my cheeks. Phichit returned the bracelet to me and I examined it thoroughly. For some reason, I immediately thought that it would look good on Viktor.

A minute after this, we were walking down the market, Phichit laughing at me and the bracelet wrapped and on the pocket of my pants, the blush still painting my features.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Grand Palace was the most awesome thing I had seen for a while. I was engrossed by the magnificence of the building, its yellows and reds brighter under the illumination turned on at the nightfall. It was a shame that it closed so early. I’d have liked to see its inside, but I could see it anyway from the distance, and the view was truly wonderful.

We were sitting on the grass of the Sanam Luang, a huge grass terrace next to the Grand Palace, resting a bit after all the afternoon walking. Phichit said that soon there would be fireworks, and that that park was a good place to see them. It had to be true, so there were more persons sitting everywhere, picnicking and passing the time.

“Are you hungry?” he said eventually.

“A bit, yes.”

“I’m going to buy some food then. Wait here, okay? And don’t move.” Phichit got up.

I nodded, and he started to walk away.

Now alone, I sighed, feeling my muscles a bit sore. I leaned back on the grass, supporting myself on my forearms and glancing around, trying to entertain myself meanwhile.

Not finding anything relevant, my mind flown directly to Viktor, asking myself how he would be.

I was very anxious to see him.

That week I realized how much I was attached to Viktor. Going to bed without him by my side felt strange. Waking up alone hurt. Living a day without hearing his lovely laughter or not having his tender kisses and caresses felt like a day half lived. If I was sure previously that I didn’t want a life without him, now my opinion had grounds for real.

So I was really longing to arrive home. It wasn’t like I hadn’t enjoyed those days with Phichit. They had been amazing, but the need to talk to Viktor in person grew bigger day by day.

I had given him the space he needed. I held back the desire of texting or calling him so he could have the enough quietness to gather his thoughts. But the way I behaved had been eating me away through all the week. That’s why I had the urge to get it out of my head.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

My arms almost failed me, making me fall flat on the floor, when I heard that voice. My fiancé sat right by my side, smiling a little, glancing at me fondly and placing a wicker basket on the grass.

I sat straight, my heart beating so fast that it was deafening me.

For a second I thought I was facing a chimera, the image of my desire to see him, to have him close.

But it wasn’t.

Viktor was there with me. I could smell his cologne, feel his breath hitting against me softly, and I was sure that my memory could never make justice to the real color of his eyes.

He was definitely there. Nor a dream. Nor a mirage. The real one.

I admired him, as if I didn’t contemplate him never before, and forgot how to talk. I looked at the way the fabric of his black shirt was rolled up to his biceps, showing the paleness of his skin, at how his matching pants exalted the shape of his legs. I got trapped on his gaze, on the love visible on it, half covered by his silky hair.

Viktor giggled, crossing his legs.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost. I know I’m pallid, but not that much.” he joked.

I was speechless. How it was possible? Well, I knew how, but… What on Earth was doing Viktor on there?

He raised his hand to my face, cupping my cheek and caressing me softly with his thumb. I could have melted, or cried, maybe both at the same time, at the feeling of his touch and the warmness of his ring. I bursting into tears was still possible if he continued looking at me that way for too long.

Viktor took away his hand, his smile falling a bit.

“Well, that’s not the reaction I was expecting.”

My shock had made me unable to reaction at all.

He started to worry, furrowing a little, but the smile still slightly on his lips.

“If I’m such a bother I can leave.” he snickered. Even so, the disappointment was on his voice.

I did the only thing my body felt like in that very moment.

I took off my glasses, putting them aside, and leaned forward, placing a hand on his nape to approach him as close as possible, and I searched his lips deliriously. He didn’t move at first, surprised, but then sighed in the kiss, and deepened in it, licking inside my mouth with desperation, interlacing his fingers in my hair. At that very moment every day we had spent apart seemed like a whole year, and we gripped on each other as it had been like that actually.

We fell on the grass, and with it the kiss broke, the two of us realizing suddenly that we were taking it too far for a public space.

“Still not the reaction I was expecting but I have no complaints at all.” he muttered.

“I’m sorry…” I babbled, slightly embarrassed. “I just didn’t expect this… And I missed you.”

He panted, his hand pushing me down, almost making our foreheads touch.

“I missed you too.”

Viktor’s blush was burning on his cheeks, going down his neck and his lids were half shut, but his dilated pupils were fixed on me. He had his lips parted, reddish from the kiss, as if he was begging silently for more. The vision made something inside me tremble, and I obliged, this time more sweetly.

When we had to breathe, I leaned up a bit and we stared at each other, laying on the grass. Then, he laughed, his eyes sparkling with joy.

“How come you’re here?” I managed to say, chocking a bit.

His smile retuned, even more genuine, shining as if it had the brightest secret ever behind.

“Now that you ask…” he stood straight, sitting, and grabbed the basket to show it to me. “I intended to have dinner with the handsomest man in this world.”

I flushed a little, knowing he was referring to me, but I smirked jokingly, sitting too.

“Good luck with it then. You’ll need a miracle to find him around here. The world is pretty huge. It’ll be a real coincidence if he’s nearby.”

Viktor smiled even more genuinely, bending over me.

“I aware of that, but it seems like I’m good at finding him.” he said smirkingly. “I already found him once, a while ago. We danced, and laughed, and he was such a cutie. _Oh_ , you can’t imagine! The boy stole my heart without compassion and, you know what he did then? He disappeared. How shameless, right? He didn’t even call me after that. But, lucky me, I found him again, and he freaked out when he saw me. _Rude_. At first this drove me crazy. I felt inhibited because I thought he didn’t want me there. Even so, I didn’t give up, and eventually he opened to me and then I fell for him even harder. Now I’m so in love with him that sometimes I think I’m going to have a heart attack just by looking at him. And the best is that I think he loves me back… Most of the time, at least. I know I’m a real pain sometimes, but he is very indulgent with me. And, well, since then I’ve just lost track of him twice.”

He took a deep breath and tilted the head, his eyes falling to the grass, gaze and expression darkening.

“This second time has been my fault. I’ve made him go away because my head was a mess, and, to be honest… I’m an idiot for having done that. I thought I could clear my mind better without him around, but I could not. He’s the one that helps me to find the colors of life. I’m colorblind without him. And because of this I made him upset, and sad, and I hate it.”

He suddenly changed his position, inhaling and crossing his legs as before, opening the basket and looking inside.

“So it’s the last time I’m going to let him walk away from me, and that’s why” Viktor put his hands inside the object, taking out from it a fancy bowl with a cover, handing it to me. “I came here to look for him, beg for forgiveness, tell him he’s the love of my life and ask him that, for the love of god, never ever listens to my stupid requests again. And if this doesn’t work I’ll spoil him tonight, to make up for my stupidity. I hope it will, because if it doesn’t, I’ll have to grovel.”

I took the bowl shakenly, on the verge of tears.

“Answers this your question?”

Even when I tried, I started to cry silently, a few tears falling down my cheeks. I looked down and sniffled and dried them with the sleeve of my shirt, trying to collect myself quickly before I burst for real.

“Yuuri…” Viktor whispered, the worry radiating of him.

 “You are” I breathed, and smiled a little. “ _unbelievable_.”

I took the lid off the bowl. My eyes had to be wrong, misted over. It couldn’t be.

The familiar but slightly different scent invaded me and looking at the katsudon in front of me, I had a revelation.

In fact, it wasn’t exactly a revelation. It was more like the confirmation of something I knew already.

For years the smell of my favorite food reminded me of Hasetsu, the sound of my family and friends’ voices, the calmness of the hot springs, the warmness of my little bed after a hard training day. It reminded me of my home.

But not anymore.

Its smell still brought up these memories, of course. The thing was that I no longer associated the idea of home to it.

Now it was another scent that reminded me of home, one subtly sweet, soft, floral. It was the scent of Viktor’s cologne. He was my home now.   

I glanced up to him. He seemed nervous, not knowing what to do exactly. I crossed my legs to and put the bowl between us. Then, I raised one of my hands to him, squashing his cheeks, making him pucker his lips like a fish.

“Silly. You don’t have to beg off. And you didn’t have to come. In a couple days I’d have been home.”

“That was too much.” he mumbled how he could. “I needed to see you.”

“You’re nuts.” I let him go, giggling.

“I told you so.”

The silence fell upon us, and all we did was gaze at the other’s eyes. Now that the buzz I had felt inside due to the surprise was lowering, all I wanted to say to him popped up in my mind, but he talked first.

“I’m sorry, Yuuri.”

“Don’t be. And your request wasn’t stupid. You needed it, and I was fine with it. I could have come back sooner if that’s what you wanted. You just had to say it.”

“This was better.”

Viktor furrowed, looking a bit concerned, a hint of sadness faintly in the lines of his expression.

“But I really mean it. I didn’t need space. I was pushing you away. Unconsciously, of course, but…” he pressed his lips. “I need you, and I need to be worthy of you. And I every time I don’t feel right I freak out a little and I end up doing this kind of dumb things. That’s what my therapist says, at least.”

I sighed, not because I was feeling upset or exasperated, but because I was relieved. The therapy really seemed to have yield results, to have helped him. I was more than content knowing that, even if my week had been a bit of a hell sometimes. So I smiled faintly, taking my hand to his knee, gazing at him fondly.

“I’m glad that she is helping you for real. And it’s okay. I’ll be wherever you need me.”

At my words, he seemed more relaxed, his position less rigid and the sadness disappearing from his face. However, there was something in his eyes still, but he didn’t say anything, trying to hide it behind another faint smile.

“So, will you forgive this poor mess of a man?”

I almost grunted, but I held back. I didn’t feel like he had done anything wrong, but he thought so and he needed to me to forgive him. That was going to make feel better, and I knew it.

“Of course.” I said softly. “And thank you for the dinner. But Phichit…”

I hushed, turning to were Phichit had walked away some minutes ago.

Everything fitted in suddenly.

They had planned this. Phichit _did know_ , all the time, and who knows for how long. That’s because he insisted so much in my clothing and appearance in general.

The two of them were really _unbelievable_.

“Wait. You two have planned this.” I blurted out totally astonished, looking at Viktor again.

“Phichit is really cooperative when it comes to conspire.” he shrugged his shoulders, guiltiness slipping in his smile.

I made a mental note to pinch and then thank Phichit with a bear hug later.

“I can’t believe it. How many days you’ve been planning this?”

He clearly doubted to talk for a few seconds.

“Since the very moment you walked away from me at the airport.”

At his declaration, I blinked slowly.

“How many days has Phichit known?”

“A few. Enough to be prepared.”

“ _Heel_.” I grumbled under my breath.

Viktor looked confused, but said nothing.

“Where’s he now?”

“I don’t really know.” he took a finger to his chin, looking away for a second. “I think he’s going to hang out with some rink mates. Anyway, it’s fine. He has given me the keys of his home because he said he’s going to be back late. So we can go there whenever you wish. I suppose you’re a bit tired.”

“I’m fine.” I babbled. Those two were up to something more, definitely.

“Perfect! I’m really excited to see the fireworks! We should dinner meanwhile. It’s going to get cold.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We ate serenely, talking about our week apart. He told me countless times how he had missed me, how Makka didn’t stop whining and searching me all over the house again and again, which, sincerely, broke my heart into little pieces.

He talked to me about Vera, his therapist, and the first session they had. As it seemed Viktor’s depression was based on three things: the pressure he had because of his position in the skating world, his perfectionism and pressure he had put on himself and the lack of fulfilling experiences out of his profession. She said to him that it was a vicious circle. The more those experiences lacked, the more he had focused in his career, and then they lacked even more because he wasn’t even trying to have them. So with the years he started to fall deeper and deeper in this spiral.

They talked about me too, because Viktor told her about how he felt when he met me and fell in love with me. She said I was giving him the life experiences he hadn’t had in a long time, and that it was really good for him to have me. That’s how they ended talking about the week we were spending apart.

Vera made him question himself if he needed space for real or if he was pushing me aside to avoid hurting me. From that point on he realized what the real reason of his acts was.

We talked about his medication. Viktor said that didn’t like it, but it helped somehow, and that the ISU was already informed of it and there was no problem with it, luckily.

After this, he said a lot of times again how sorry he was and how he wanted to make it up for me.

Then, I talked to him about my days with Phichit and the achievements and problems I had in my training days there, but mostly about how our college habits and nasty tricks to each other reappeared while we were under the same roof again.

After a while, when we had finished eating and were just there talking, I remembered the thing I had on my pocket, and I couldn’t help blushing all of the sudden.

“What?” Viktor muttered, raising a brow.

“I have something for you.”

“For me?” he pointed at himself, surprised.

I nodded, and took out the little envelope. I gave it to him, dying in embarrassment already. He glanced at it with curiosity, opening it, grabbing the bracelet from its inside. Viktor gave it a look, and then raised his eyes to me for a second before continuing gazing at it.

“We’ve went to a market today, and I thought it’d look good on you, and I think it’s appropriate because it’s the Eros wings. I don’t know. It’s just a trifle.”

“It’s not a trifle.” he protested, almost seeming offended. “I love it.”

“Sure?”

“Absolutely! It’s a gift from you. How could I not love it?”

He made me tie it at his right wrist. As I thought before, it really looked good on him.

During the conversation, I hadn’t the guts to bring the wedding issue up not even a single time. I was having a really good and unexpected night, and I didn’t want to ruin it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A resonant sound reverberated all of the sudden, and the sky was now decorated with a palm of colored sparks that were suspended for a brief second and started to fall at the next one. We raised our gazes up, staring at the beautiful fireworks that filled the night’s darkness, voices exclaiming their amusement all around us.

My hand reached his, interlacing our fingers. I leaned to a side, our shoulders pressed together, our heads touching. I noticed the smell of his cologne mixing with the one of his sweat, and I felt like I was melting of happiness right there.

That moment was just perfect. It was impossible for that night to get even better. I had everything that I could ask for. I had him right there, with me. It was the only thing I needed for real.

I felt my heart beat at the pace of the fireworks exploding, soaring more and more with the feeling of having Viktor near, and I could help myself to pull back and glance at the way the fireworks’ colors lighted up his perfect features.

He was like an oil painting, one with the brightest colors and most perfect shapes. He was the supreme loveliness portray, flawless, made to capture you in his acrylic eyes. And I was the viewer, enchanted, devoted to his existence, fortunate to see his beauty bloom brighter every day and for the rest of my life.

Viktor noticed my staring, and dropped his gaze from the sky to me. I kissed him like the whole firmament was in the tip of his tongue, as if I could reach somewhat the shine of the star he was, and deposit there my soul, my whole self, my passion, my vow of loving him eternally.

There was nothing I could say. My feelings for him were too huge to be spoken accurately. It was not possible. 

We missed the end of the fireworks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We headed back to Phichit’s house after that, holding hands and talking. Eventually I noticed that he seemed nervous, even distracted sometimes, something I could understand. I still had the excitement of the kiss like a weight lower in my belly. He followed our conversation all the same.

We were already in the street where Phichit lived. In those days I noticed it was a placid neighborhood, mostly habited by families. That’s why then, when it was almost midnight, we were alone walking by the sidewalk, streetlamps already switched off, and there was no other sound but our voices and steps.

And then, out of the blue, when we were at a few meters from Phichit’s house, Viktor stopped walking. I turned to him, confused.

“Say, Yuuri.” his words trembled a little bit. “Have you cancelled the ceremony already?”

His question felt like receiving a punch right in the stomach, killing my butterflies.

I hoped that the matter wouldn’t pop up that night, and way over after how tender it turned, but at the end it happened. I couldn’t understand why he would want to bring that up when we had such a beautiful time.

My throat tightened and cold sweat started to appear in the tip of my nape. I gazed down, the hurt starting to fill my chest.

“No.” I uttered in a lower voice. Probably he expected me to do it right after he said to me he wanted to wait more.

“No?”

I raised my eyes at his relieved tone immediately. He had all his expression brightened, even when the only light there was the moon’s one, faint and subtle.

“Why?” I asked shakenly, not knowing what to think exactly.

He etched a smile and tilted his head slightly.

“I have something for you too.”

“What?”

Viktor moved closer, grabbing gently my right hand. Before I could even think, he was on one knee in front of me.

I felt all the air scape from my lungs, seeing in the depth of his eyes a mixture of hope and love.

“Yuuri,” he breathed, saying my name sweetly and softly. “I know how upset it made you what I said about the wedding, but I need you to know that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to marry you. Since the very moment you stole my heart, my only intention has been make you the happiest man in the whole world. You know that I haven’t been well lately, and I’ve been feeling like I was failing in everything: as a fiancé, as a friend, as a coach… And I didn’t want you to marry me when I’m not at my best, because I think you don’t deserve that. But I realized that even if I’m not totally fine, if I’m with you, I’m alright, and this gives me the energy to give you all of myself.”

He grabbed something from his pants’ pocket with his free hand, nevertheless never taking his eyes off me. My legs started to tremble when I saw it was a golden ring.

The moonlight reflected on it, making it shine, and then I caught the sight of an engraved half snowflake in its inner side.

It was not any ring. It was _my_ ring.

“So” gently, he put the ring on my finger. “if you can forgive me and let me try to make you happy for the rest of my life… Would you make me the honor to marry me?”

I stared at our hands, both rings in the place where they belonged at last. Standing right there, the velvety words of Viktor were ringing on my ears. The bunch of butterflies in my belly resurrected, and I felt overwhelmed by all the sudden emotions that were running inside me.

Spilling a few tears, I let myself kneel on the floor with him, and I hugged him like it was the last one I could give him. But, actually, for me, it felt like the first one, the first hug of a new phase.

Since I put him that ring on his finger in Barcelona, we had found ourselves in a constant succession of misunderstandings and hard times. And now, that he was returning to me the ring that string was breaking. Finally both of us were open to each other, willing to do our best to build our relationship stronger.

“ _Yes_.” I muttered, pulling out to kiss his cheek fervently.

He held me in his arms too, freeing a sigh of relief, letting me press my lips all over his face and laughing, eventually searching my mouth with his.

I wanted to know really bad where he did found the ring, but the question didn’t come out, not at that moment. There was no more space for words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We barely made it into the house. When Viktor got to open the door, at the very moment we entered, the keys fell to the floor and we left them there, totally ignored. Now that his hands were free he didn’t hesitated in occupy them once more, grabbing my thighs to lift me up and press me against the wall. I wrapped his hips with my legs, giggling, and he kissed me fiercely.

I moaned into his mouth, feeling the heat grow all over me, making me desperate to feel him entirely.

Then, he tightened his grip and walked to the guest room, determined, with me clinging on him and biting his ear. Once there, he closed the door behind us with a kick and threw the both of us to the bed.

I wasn’t thinking much, really. The only thing that was on my mind was how much I wanted him to make me his once more.

He pulled back for a second, looking needy and impatient, his blue eyes almost devoured by his expanded pupils. I took my fingers to his shirt, unbuttoning it fast like never before. Having his bare torso exposed, I passed my hands by it, thirsty to touch every part of his body. With my hands on his back, I pushed him down, taking my mouth to his neck, sucking and biting, stealing a few deep moans from him. His arms, which were supporting his weight, started to tremble and make Viktor to start bending down, failing him. I was delighted by this and my desire was growing at the sounds he was making. Not thinking it twice, I took his belt off, throwing it somewhere near the bed, and went directly to the button and zip of his pants. But Viktor uttered a groan, and lifted up, starting to undress me, and almost angrily, getting rid of his clothes in between too. He got rid of everything, except my necklace and his bracelet.

When he returned to me, his body pressed against mine, my mind stopped. I wasn’t a functional human anymore, not with him like that on the top of me.

With his lips going down my chest, I remembered that we weren’t home, that we were in the guest room of Phichit’s house, and that I hadn’t lube anywhere. And before I could say something Viktor stopped kissing me and gazed directly at my eyes.

“Wait.” he whispered and stood up.

He walked to the corner of the room, where my suitcase had been all the week. Now, there were two of them, and one was Viktor’s. He had been there already?

I added that to the things I wanted to ask him when we were over with each other… If that was really possible.

Soon, he was again with me in the bed, opening a lube bottle and putting it in his fingers. I couldn’t avoid but laugh. At this, his expression filled with confusion.

“What?”

“You’re always ready, right?”

He etched a smile, one of light embarrassment, blush creeping up to his face.

“I have to, having such an attractive fiancé.” Viktor placed himself between my legs and leaned down to kiss me again. “Can I touch you, love? I want to make you feel good.”

I lifted up to bite his lower lip and pass the tip of my tongue there, to let myself fall on the pillow. I laughed at his flustered look.

“Do as you please.”

He swallowed, and, then, not giving me a second to breathe, he searched my entrance and pushed slowly a finger inside.

With the dragging of his moves inside me, I felt like he just ignited a bonfire all over my body. I moaned, rocking against his hand, melting because of his touch. Viktor placed his other hand on my belly, pressing me against the mattress to prevent me moving too much.

He opened me with care, clearly swallowing down his need, taking care of my desire first. My moans started to get louder and louder when he pushed more fingers inside me and curved them in the right position to make a mess of me.

I was already ready, but he didn’t stop, and I was growing desperate.

“ _Vitya_ ,” I said, my voice croaky, breathless.  “I’m ready. _Please_.”

At my plea, he removed his fingers and I huffed at the loss, feeling uncomfortably empty.

“Please, _what_?” he teased me in a low voice.

“ _You know_.” I answered roughly.

“No.” his smile grew bigger and sly. “I don’t.”

I groaned angrily, pounding my nails on his back skin, and forcing him to rest on my body.

“ _Forgoodnesssake._ ” I grunted, closing my eyes, frustrated. “Stop teasing me.”

I heard his soft laughter near my ear.

“Alright.” he snickered.

Viktor backed his body more against mine, the tip of his cock brushing my entrance, lifting my legs to rest on his hips. He pushed himself in gently, but making me pant anyhow. A shiver went over my back at his move and I arched myself for him to have better access. He groaned at this, trembling.

When he started to move his hips, I had the urge to open my eyes to see his face. My heart skipped a beat at how stunning he looked with his needy expression and his hair messy.

All my senses blurred at his thrusts, falling in the pleasure and not being more than a bunch of trembling and loud noises, most of them his name.

He interlaced his hand with mine, the two of them pressed on the pillow. He was trembling, and sweating, and the sight of him like that was breaking me inside.

Viktor started to moan my name, his eyes shutting because of the pleasure, and this was I needed for my body totally surrendering to him.

We both came unusually soon, and then lain together in the small bed, sweaty, trying to breath normally and giggling. What a strange and wonderful night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Where did you find it?”

Even if it was hard, we had to stay awake and wait for Phichit to come back to open the door for him. He had no keys, after all. So, in order to stay up, we kept the conversation going.

I already knew what the plan of those two was.

Viktor had arrived the night before and stayed in a hotel, and, in the afternoon, when Phichit and I went out, Phichit had left the keys under the doormat without me noticing for Viktor to enter, get everything ready and cook the dinner for us.

I couldn’t decide what had melted me more: the fact that Phichit had trusted Viktor enough to let him get inside his house as if it was his just to give me a surprise or that the katsudon was cooked by Viktor. But, in fact, all the night had been too tender to not reduce me to a bunch of feelings.

He explained to me who the man on the photos of the article was. His name was Sergey, and he had been one of Yakov’s pupils when Viktor was younger. He was retired now and was running a travel agency. They had met to organize our honeymoon.

I teased him a bit about this, joking about how confident he was that my answer would be ‘yes’.

And now all the heat and hurry to touch each other was calmer, the curiosity about where he did found the ring I had given up for lost had returned. I thought Iván made it disappear for good.

Viktor smiled softly, grabbing my hand with his, looking at it and then at me.

“It was in a corner of the rink’s bathroom, under the sinks.”

“And why were you looking under the sinks?” it was not a very visible place.

He shrugged his shoulders, avoiding answering, and I rolled my eyes.

“ _Okay_.” he grunted. “I had a bit of a breakdown the night of the article. I was sitting on the floor there and I saw it. It doesn’t matter now.”

I made a face, sighing. Viktor took my hand to his mouth, kissing where my ring was, and then he made it rest flat on his cheek, his eyes shutting. My heart soared. He looked so sweet and content that it wasn’t fair.

“I’m really happy that it didn’t disappear.”

He hummed in response, and I knew he was falling asleep. Probably he was very jetlagged, so I caressed softly his face until his breathing turned slow and his expression peaceful.

Maybe Viktor thought he had to make me the happiest man in the world, but he was wrong because I already was.

Looking at him sleep peacefully, I started to think about the wedding and the honeymoon. The honeymoon was supposed to be a gift for me and I wanted to give something to him too. Probably I couldn’t afford something so big but…

And then I had an idea, a really brilliant one.

I slipped off out of the bed carefully, donning on my pants and leaving the room. I left my phone in the sofa in the afternoon, because I thought I wouldn’t need it. It was still there. I grabbed it and looked what time it was. It was already half past four in the morning, which was perfect because it’d be two hour more in Hasetsu, and everybody was up at six in the inn.

I called my sister without hesitating, slipping out to the backyard to be sure that Viktor couldn’t hear me.

“Yuuri?” Mari said, confusion in her voice.

“Hi, Mari.”

“It’s everything alright? You don’t use to call so soon.”

“Oh, yes, everything is fine. I just stayed up late.”

“If you say so.” she didn’t sound very convinced. “Well, what are you calling for?”

I smiled for myself.

“I need you to help me. But it has to stay between us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter is the one I'm proudest of. It's the first one I write without a draft in my native languange, and it turned better than I thought. 
> 
> Anyway, there's only two chapters left. The next one is the wedding and I'm really thrilled about writting it.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! 
> 
> Come and meet me in [tumblr](http://nuriaschnee.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> See you soon! 
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	9. I'm so in love with you (burns the soul, make love your goal)

A heavy weight collapsed on the top of me with a thud, waking me up, making all the air on my lungs leave abruptly. I groaned, annoyed.

“Wakey wakey, Yuuri!” Phichit bounced on the top of me.

“ _Five more minutes_.” I begged, burying my face more in the pillow, eyes still closed.

“What?” he exclaimed. “I can’t believe you!”

“ _Don’t wanna go to class_.”

He laughed openly.

“What are you talking about?”

“Assignments.” I mumbled furiously. “ _Exams_ …”

“ _Yuuri_ , come on!” Phichit placed his cheek on my head, pressing me down harder.

“Get out.” I complained, furrowing. “You’re _heavy_.”

“No. _You_ get out of the fucking bed or your husband-to-be is going to kill me. I promised him yesterday that I’d wake you in the morning to get you ready. So lift your damn scrawny and lazy ass right now and stop talking nonsense. I’ll have enough scolding if he finds out how your party was, and I don’t want more.”

It took me a couple seconds to process his words and come back to reality before flashes of the night started to appear in my mind.

Viktor and I arrived to Hasetsu the day before in the morning. There was most part of the attendees to our wedding already, waiting for us, meanwhile enjoying the hot springs.

As it seems, Phichit and Chris had been there for two days now, and, as expected, those two together couldn’t bring anything good.

I never wanted a bachelor party, something that Phichit knew.

And I should’ve seen it coming. Phichit would never accept a ‘no’ in something like that.

Viktor didn’t wanted a bachelor party either, something that he explained to Chris clearly and explicitly.

And he should’ve seen it coming. Chris would never accept a ‘no’ in something like that.

So they contacted each other to collude behind our backs.

The day before when we finished dinner our intention was go to bed early so we were rested and not so jetlagged for the ceremony. However, our friends had other plans.

Chris gripped Viktor and took him upstairs, and Phichit did the same to me. That’s the moment when we knew they were up to something. They dragged us to Viktor’s room and forced us to change our clothes because all of us were going somewhere, making clear then that they had conspired against us and ignored our wishes.

Two groups had been formed.

Phichit had recruited Mari, Minako and Yuuko for my party.

Georgi, Mila, Chris’ boyfriend, Yuri and Otabek (who was there because Yuri insisted that he wanted him to be his companion) were the attendees to Viktor’s. 

When I saw who was going to be at mine I breathed easier, thinking that with them it couldn’t be a wild party.

How wrong I was.

They blindfolded and got me into a car, taking me somewhere where the music was really loud. Then, they uncovered my eyes and I almost collapsed.

We were in a strip club.

I didn’t even know there was something like that in Hasetsu.

Immediately I tried to convince Phichit to search another place to go, but he didn’t listen to me.

It was _very_ embarrassing to be there, but at first we just sat in a table at one of the corners of the place and drank. They gave me some presents and we talked, so, if I ignored the strippers in the catwalk, it wasn’t that bad. I even started to relax and have fun.

But eventually one of the staff girls approached our table and asked after Phichit in English. She told him ‘if it was okay to do it now or if it was better a little later’ and he answered that now was fine.

My blood ran cold. I hoped, for the sake of my sanity, that they just had planned to bring a cake or something.

When they picked me up and dropped me on a chair against my will, I wanted to disappear, fearing what was going to happen.

They cuffed my hands behind the back of it, totally ignoring my pleas. Right away the music changed and I had a guy stripping and dancing in front of me. My traitorous friends cheered the boy while I was cringing and wanting to die.

After the strip, which had felt like it was never ending, I had the urge to drown myself in my drink and pretend I didn’t exist.

I remember vaguely leaving the club and Phichit taking me tp my room, but nothing else.

“ _I hate you_.” I grunted now I was sober and I hadn’t a stripper shanking his cheeks in front of mi face.

“Fine, but hate me out of the bed, okay?” Phichit got out of the top of me, standing in front of my bed, his hands on his hips. “I don’t think you want to be late to your own wedding, don’t you?”

The reminder made me sat on the bed instantly.

Right.

It was the day.

It was our wedding day.

It was happening.

With sudden nervousness in my stomach, I slipped out of the bed, inevitably glancing at the half shut door of my room, in the direction where Viktor’s room was.

“He’s getting ready now.”

“Already?” I muttered, surprised, turning to look at Phichit. “What time is it?”

He pulled out his mobile from his pants’ pocket and looked down at the time.

“A half past five.” he said, putting away the object again.

The wedding was _in an hour in a half_.

I felt like screaming.

Just ninety minutes and I’d be marring Viktor.

“Are you hungry?” Phichit said, and I barely heard his words.

“A bit.” I wasn’t precisely aware of nothing else but the little time I had to be presentable, but my stomach felt indisputably empty. And I didn’t want it rumbling during the ceremony. “Eat something wouldn’t do harm.”

“I’ll go to grab something at the kitchen for you. You better go to bath. But don’t take long, okay? I’ll be waiting here to help you.”

“Okay.”

When he left, the nervousness increased now I was alone.

I glanced down at my unmade little bed, memories of a younger version of me coming straight away.  I could remember perfectly sitting there in the darkness of the night, looking adoringly at the posters in the walls caressed by the moonlight, wrapped in a blanket and fantasizing about the man appearing in those. That naïve boy never thought his daydreaming one day would be real. But here I was, about to marry the man that had me enchanted for almost all my life and vow to love me for the rest of it.

If only I could go back to the past and tell that anxious teen that all the suffering would be worth it, that life had wonderful things waiting for him…

No. It was way better like that.

The way I was made me the person I had become now, and it took me to find myself right there in that very moment, gazing at the past with a satisfied smile on my lips.

That’s why I’d never change a single detail of how our ways had crossed. We bumped into each other at the right moment in the right way for us to decide to tangle our lives.

Moreover, now I knew things that teen didn’t. And I knew those thanks to the way things had happened between us.

I knew that, sometimes, Viktor blushed until his face resembled a tomato or whimpered and made puppy eyes just because he wanted a kiss. I knew he could cry over animation movies and that he had an extraordinary knowledge of universal literature. I knew he talked in his sleep, but he never snored. I knew he couldn’t bear to see open cupboards or drawers or that he had his clothes and shoes ordered by colors but he didn’t do that with towels.

I knew a lot of things now, and I was the luckiest man alive just to be about to spend the rest of my life witnessing how weird and awesome Viktor was.

When I realized I shouldn’t be wasting time recalling, I did as Phichit said. I got out of the room, and when I walked by my fiancé’s one I heard Chris voice, then Viktor’s. I stayed still in front of the closed door, having the huge urge to see and hug him immediately.

He said he wanted us to meet in the shrine, because if I saw him with the monstuki before getting there it wouldn’t make the same impact. I agreed, because I didn’t feel able to deny nothing to him regarding the wedding at that point.

I heard a third voice, Mari’s one, and right away a groan from Viktor.

They were dressing him.

I blushed furiously, the need to see how he looked like with it growing unbelievably.

All of the sudden, the door opened a little bit. It just left a slit to see through, which was blocked by the sight of a sly smile and a pair of green eyes.

I jumped at the sound, feeling like I just had been caught, even if I wasn’t trying to spy.

“Look who’s here!” Chris said mockingly. “You shouldn’t be spying, you know.”

“I wasn’t…” I babbled, startled and embarrassed by my red burning cheeks.

“Is it Yuuri?” I heard Viktor say, interest and a hint of hope overflowing from his voice.

 “ _Oui_.” Chris turned his head towards Viktor for a moment, still blocking my line of vision. Then, he gazed at me again and lowered his tone to a whisper. “Well Yuuri, did you enjoy last night? Phichit has showed me a few photos. You looked _really_ flustered.”

 _Oh, no_.

There were graphic evidences of last night.

I wanted to kill Phichit and then _die_.

I was probably about to melt because my incessant blush anyway. Maybe it was the best.

“I can’t blame you. The guy was _hot_.”

“What did you say?” Viktor let out a high-pitched yell after Chris had uttered that.

 _Perfect_. Now Viktor had heard it.

“Nothing.” Chris snickered, faking innocence with his tone, rolling his eyes.

I understood immediately.

He had done that on purpose to mess with Viktor.

“Chris, what the hell did you say?” the fury overflowed from his words.

“I’ve just asked Yuuri how was his party.” Chris turned around again to face his friend.

“You said something _about a guy_.”

“Oh, yes, the stripper.”

“ _What_.”

I was agape. Now that Viktor knew, the entire thing was even worse. I should have locked myself in the pantry last night and refused to get out.

“Don’t make that face!” Chris laughed. “You had like five yesterday just for you. Yuuri had the right to have fun too, don’t you think?”

My soul left my body for a moment. I didn’t need that information, to be honest.

“I didn’t…!” the protest died in his throat, and I heard him whining. “Mari, what the hell? Phichit said it wasn’t going to be like that.”

Definitely, at that pace, it wouldn’t be my wedding day but my funeral one.

What a way to start your wedding day.

I heard a mumble of my sister and another from Viktor.

“Oh! Stop the drama!” Chris said. “It’s not that bad! I’m sure if I tell Yuuri about your party he’s not going to have such a childish reaction.”

“If you tell him _I end you_.”

“A groom shouldn’t be so cranky.” Chris laughed.

I decided to slip off now they weren’t paying attention to me. I wasn’t going to get more involved in that. I didn’t organize my bachelor party. I had suffered enough for it already and I had the feeling that, if I stayed, Chris would tell me about Viktor’s one for real and I didn’t want to really know. Chris had been in charge of it, so I could have an idea of how it had been. I wanted to conserve the sanity I had left, at least until the ceremony had passed.

I took a quick bath, feeling more awake and nervous as the minutes passed, and then returned to my room. When I walked by Viktor’s room again there was no more noises inside, nor anybody. That meant Viktor was already prepared and probably heading the shrine while I was still undressed and with my hair messy.

When I entered my room, Mari was there instead of Phichit, sitting on the edge of the bed, already dressed with a purple kimono and floral obi. I stared at her, confused. She understood my expression even when I didn’t say anything, tilting her head and freeing a sigh.

“Phichit is being scolded downstairs by Viktor.” she said.

 _Great_.

But he deserved it, honestly. Just a bit.

I sighed too, noticing soon after that there was something on the bed next to Mari. She looked at it too and then gazed up to me with a fond smile.

“I can help you if you want.”

I nodded, my throat tightening from the expectation.

While we were putting me on the montsuki, the time felt as if was flowing slowly through the quietness of the room and the sounds the rub of fabric made. The weight of very layer covering my body was another reminder that I was there, that it was happening. And even when my stomach was clenching because of nerves, my heart was pounding on my chest of pure happiness.

Once I was dressed, my sister checked silently that my clothes were right and then gazed up, fixing her brown eyes directly to mine. We two stayed motionless. After a few seconds had passed, I noticed how Mari’s eyes started to get wet.

It shocked me, but didn’t say a thing. Mari sniffled and gave me a little smile.

“You look really good.” she said, a bit brokenly by emotion.

She flattened softly the shoulders’ fabric with her hands and cupped my cheeks.

“You’ve really made me the proudest sister in the whole world, Yuuri. I’ve seen you grow and become the most incredible man ever, and you don’t know how glad I am to see you reaching happiness at last. There’s no one who deserves this more than you.”

Her words felt like a sweet arrow direct to my heart.

“ _Nee-chan_.” I breathed out, touched.

She pulled me to her gently, her arms circling my neck, and I accepted her hug gladly. Mari squeezed me tightly, but let me go soon after, however grabbing my shoulders. A sudden grin appeared in her lips then.

“But you have to make me aunt someday, okay?”

I stayed still at her words, glancing at her hopeful expression, not knowing how to respond to that.

It wasn’t something I had considered yet. All my life had been skating and study, and, of course, Viktor. There hadn’t been any more space in my mind for anything else, and the future had been always something so uncertain that I didn’t bother to give it a further thought. So it never crossed my mind.

I didn’t even know if Viktor liked kids anyway.

That thought made me furrow. It shouldn’t bother me the fact that I didn’t know something about Viktor, even more if it was something I didn’t know about me either. But for some reason it bothered me anyway.

“I don’t know, Mari…” I mumbled. That was the best response I could give to her for now.

She furrowed right away, looking concerned.

“Viktor doesn’t want?”

“ _I don’t know_.”

“What?”

I shrugged at this, uncomfortable.

“It’s not a thing we’ve talked about.”

“How come?”

I was about to give another vague answer when Phichit stepped into the room abruptly, and I turned around to him.

“Chris has betrayed me! _My god_! Viktor is really insistent!” he complained, a box of cookies and a water bottle in his hands.

Just for saving me from that conversation I was willing to forget he had dragged me to a strip club, made a guy dance naked in front of me and take photos of it.

He hushed then, gasping at the sight of me dressed in my ceremonial clothes and his features lighten up, pupils sparkling.

“You look _handsome_ man!” he exclaimed, passing his gaze all over me. “Viktor is going to faint.”

Phichit was already dressed too with fancy blue kimono. He approached me more and glanced up to my hair, furrowing.

“Well, we have to fix your hair first.” he looked over my shoulder, to my sister. “I’ll do it. You can go finish getting ready.”

“Okay.”

She stepped to the door, and before she went out I remembered something.

“Mari, wait.” I said, and she turned to me. “Have you put _that_ into my suitcase?”

My sister understood my words right away, smiling with complicity.

“Yes, I did.”

“Are you sure anybody has seen it?”

“Nope.”

“Nor mom, or…?”

“Nobody knows.”

So nobody could say a thing.

“And did you check if it was right?”

“It was. Don’t worry.”

“Okay.” I breathed out, relieved. “Thank you.”

She gave me another knowing look and disappeared.

“Were you two talking about…?” Phichit started to say, but I turned to cover his mouth with my hand to stop him.

He had the enough knowledge of my native language to having caught enough of the conversation to understand. I taught him too well at college.

“Yes. But don’t say it out loud.”

“Sorry.” he muttered when I took my hand back. “Will you show it to me after the honeymoon?”

I nodded happily. He had cooperated after all.

“Great!” he jumped a bit, excited. “Now let’s fix your hair.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the car stopped in front of the shrine my heart was hammering so fast in my chest and my breathing was so irregular that I thought I was going to pass out. My mouth felt dry, my face like burning in flames and my hands sweaty.

Ten minutes.

Ten minutes only.

Ten minutes only and the ceremony would start.

Ten minutes and I’d be marring the love of my life.

Since I woke up the nerves had been a light weight in the tip of my stomach, as if my body couldn’t believe fully that that was happening, presuming I was dreaming once more.

But now it was a crazy rollercoaster.

I had butterflies fluttering roughly in my belly, constant shivers through my spine and my limbs trembled.

Was that even real?

Maybe I was actually dreaming. It was a possibility, right?

But it wasn’t. It was perfect, wonderful and undoubtedly dreamy; however, I wasn’t asleep.

I was wide awake, but afraid of messing it up. I was afraid of dropping the sakazuki or, even worse, the ring. Or maybe I wasn’t enough presentable. Maybe I still had the drawn face typical of the jetlag and the bunch of nerves I had was visible in my features.

I heard the doors of the car opening, and the passengers getting out, leaving me alone inside.

But when I felt the touch of hand on my nape I realized I wasn’t alone. The gesture took me out of my trail of thoughts, and I turned my head to the owner of those gentle fingers, my best man smiling fondly at me. There wasn’t exactly the figure of the best man in Shinto weddings, but we were pretending it was.

“Don’t tell me you’re having cold feet now.” Phichit snickered.

“Of course not. I’m just” I bit my lower lip. “nervous.”

He laughed a bit.

“As a normal anxious being you are. I’d surprised if you weren’t.”

I made a face, but I grinned too inevitably, anyhow faintly and followed by a sigh.

“I just don’t want to mess it up, stumble or something like that.”

“You won’t, and if you do think of it like you’ll enliven the ceremony.”

I raised a brow, skeptical.

“It’ll be okay!” he sniggered, smiling more brightly. “I promise! This is not a performance, there’s no judging eyes or scores. It’s a wedding, _your_ wedding, and you won’t be alone. Your beloved ones will be right there behind you, and you’ll have Viktor by your side. So just enjoy your moment, make sure you’ll remember it for the rest of your life and everything will be alright, okay?”

After being quiet for a while, I took a deep breath and nodded, trying to smooth my emotions and embrace his words, looking in the depth of his brown eyes.

He was right. It was a unique moment. I had to enjoy every second of it and if I let the nerves took over me I couldn’t do so.

“So, ready to see the groom?” Phichit asked with excitement, but with a light tone.

“Yes.”

“Let’s go then!”

He let me go and got out of the car. Briefly after, he opened my door for me. The world muted, my respiration imposing over all the other sounds.

It was time.

Once I was standing in the parking of the shrine, the huge white _torii_ blinded me for a second. The gate was reflecting the dusk light beautifully, the atmosphere feeling warm and perfect. Somehow I felt calmer at the sensation. It was like the weather welcomed what was about to happen, painting the sky in all the colors love had just for us.

Phichit grabbed me by the arm, takin me out of my amazement and the two of us starting to walk up the stone stairs to arrive to the _sandō_. The sound of the first steps I made by that cobbled path where deafened by my heart soaring again and again. Soon after, I felt brave enough to raise my eyes, fixing them in the roof of the magnificent _haiden_ of the shrine, whose green roof absorbed the orange lighting of the day’s end and contrasted with the horizon darkened sky, fitted out with faint stars.

But my gaze dropped instantly at the sight of a figure standing in front of the building, and all of the sudden I was breathless.

My body stopped functioning right, my feet too weak to walk by my own. Phichit practically had to carry me there. If I was a trembling mess before, now I felt like gelatin.

Viktor fixed his vivid blue eyes on me, a soft smile in his lips and a loving expression, wearing the montsuki as if he was born to do so.

I couldn’t count how many times I imagined that, how many moments I thought I’d have given anything to see him in front of me with that clothing, and, as I expected, he was absolutely stunning.

It never failed to surprise me how beautiful that man was.

“If I let you go, will you fall?” Phichit whispered to me, teasingly.

I took my eyes away from Viktor for a moment to give my friend a murderous look. Both of them laughed softly, while my cheeks turned red. Then Phichit freed me.

“I’ll go inside with the others.”

He left us alone, and, unavoidably, I glanced at the splendor of Viktor again.

Viktor giggled, seeming a little flustered, but content anyway. He dropped his eyes to the floor for a moment before extending his arms, showing me better his ceremonial clothes, with a nervous smile.

“How do I look? Do you like it?” he said, obviously unquiet.

He bit his lower lip, waiting for me to say something. I wasn’t sure my tongue was connected to my brain anymore, but I was intending to try.

“You’re beautiful.” my voice came like a whisper, making Viktor’s features redder.

He chocked a bit, cleared his throat and tiled his head.

“You’re too.”

I nodded and he gave me a hint of a shy smile, shrugging his shoulders.

The time I had waited to marry Viktor seemed to pass slowly, but now the two of us had arrived there I had the certainty that every second of patience had been worth it. I could have waited for ages if it had been necessary.

I approached him. Viktor interlaced his fingers with my fingers and pressed gently his forehead against mine. He closed his eyes, a little pant escaping between his lips at the touch.

We stayed there for a few seconds, standing one in front of the other, hands against hands, forehead to forehead, light breathings and surrounded by the birds twittering, and I knew I wasn’t nervous or afraid anymore. If I had my mind occupied in how I could ruin the ceremony, I wouldn’t be able to remember it well. And I really wanted to remember every single moment. I really wanted to have a vivid memory of Viktor with that happiness constantly enlightening his face.

“I think it’s our turn to go inside.” I said, leaning back a bit, facing his sweet and content expression. “Ready?”

“I’ve never been more ready in my life.”

I smiled, pleased by his answer, and, holding hands all along, we entered the _haiden_.

Since the very second we crossed the threshold, all my focus was directed to feel and remember. I memorized where our beloved ones were sitting, their expressions, how it felt to step inside of the building with Viktor’s nails softly pounding in my skin and his sweaty palm glued to mine and the smell of the incense everywhere.

We kneeled in our place, and before the ceremony started Viktor gave me a little grin and a fond and watery look that I could never forget, even if my mind turned vague and senile someday. I’d never forget how Viktor looked like, peaceful and thrilled, loving and nervous, all at the same time. I understood every silent word he had for me because his eyes talked clearly enough.

That was the first time in my life I didn’t regret anything, not even the huge mistakes I made through all the years I lived. Thanks to every single one of my mistakes or the times I had embarrassed myself I was right there at that precious moment.

The ceremony started, the priest announcing our marriage to the gods. I was supposed to be looking at the priest, but I found myself being unable to take my eyes away from Viktor. I glanced at him sideways, mesmerized with his appearance. He was paying close attention to what the priest was doing and saying, even if he was barely understanding anything. And he really had the sweetest expression drawn on his features. I wanted to smile and cry of joy so bad at the emotiveness he was radiating.

I still couldn’t believe that that was because of me, because he wanted to be with me all his life and that he was so happy to so it overflowed by every one of pores.

The ceremony continued, a _miko_ , one of the maidens present, handed the first sakazuki to Viktor. He held the flat little cup in his hands, the _miko_ serving the sacred sake there. Viktor did as I explained him, wetting his lips twice and drinking at the third intent. Then it was my turn. We repeated this two more times, as it had to be done.

After that, we stood up for the reading of the vows. In a Shinto wedding the vows were prepared by the priest and they were to show gratitude to the gods for the union and to the attendees to be there. It didn’t really matter if we couldn’t say what we wanted to say to each other there. I know we had to weeks coming to do so.

After I had read the vows, the ceremony was coming to its end, and the moment to exchange of the rings had arrived.

My pulse soared again.

We stared at each other briefly, and then I picked up gently the ring from the cushion the _miko_ left in front of us. Grabbing Viktor’s trembling hand, I slid the ring on his finger.

He did the same to me, and I watched attentively how his fingers were putting me on the ring. Once the silver wedding ring was where it belonged to, I raised my gaze and I couldn’t hold back the tear that fell down my cheek. He smiled softly, tears in his eyes too, taking his hand to my face to dry the escapist tear.

We were married.

He was no longer my fiancé. He was my husband now.

Viktor approached to give me a cast kiss in my cheek, and I asked myself if it was possible to be so happy you feel you could explode.

I heard a few sobs among the attendants while the _miko_ served sake to them in order to celebrate the union, but we didn’t wait and left the _haiden_ right away. Once out, Viktor hugged me, squeezed me, and, without hesitating, he pulled back enough to kiss me, anxiously and laughing into it.

The kiss tasted like sake, and tears, and glory, and happiness, and life. But, above all, it tasted like love.

Viktor took his hands to the sides of my face, caressing me with his thumbs, and when he finally broke the kiss to breath, it took me a few seconds to come back to Earth and open my eyes. When I did so, he was smiling genuinely, excitement and overflowing happiness shining in the dampness of his eyes.

He started to whisper ‘I love you’ again and again against my lips and between kisses until somebody interrupted him.

“Save something for the honeymoon, _mon chéri_.”

Viktor and I turned to the mocking voice, stopping gripping each other and facing the smirk in Chris expression, who just had went down the little wooden stairs of the _haiden_ and now was standing in front of us. He placed both of his hands in our shoulders and his sly expression turned in a fond one. Now he was close to us, I could notice a wet trail under his inferior lids.

“Congratulations. I’m sure you’ll have the happiness you deserve.”

He let me go to hug a touched Viktor, as if it was something in those words more than what it seemed on the surface. I witnessed the scene with a smile before, for the second time that day, a known body collided against me, dragging me to a hug too.

“ _Omedetō_ , Yuuri!” Phichit exclaimed, and I felt perfectly his tears wetting my neck.

“Thank you.”

The rest of the attendees started to leave the building too, giving their wishes to us one by one. Once we were all outside, it was photos time.

Somebody asked a _miko_ to help us and take the photos. First we took a group one, and then one just Viktor and me.

We were supposed to look where the camera was at. I was doing it at first, until I sensed Viktor’s eyes on me and I turned my head to him, being impossible for me to take them away once I did so. He didn’t stop smiling since the ceremony had ended.

I had seen Viktor smile a lot of times, but the smile he had right then was one of the most since I had ever seen on him. And it was just for me.

After this, all of us returned to the inn to have a brief party before we had to catch a train to the airport.

Everybody stayed downstairs while we went to Viktor’s room to change our clothes.

I helped Viktor first, undoing the unreasonable amount of knots the montsuki had at the rear part, patiently, and he did the same to me. We folded everything right and left the clothes stacked up in the bed. They would stay in Hasetsu until our next visit, when we could carry them. Now we were going on honeymoon they’d only be a burden.

Maybe we spent too much time kissing and less putting on more comfortable clothes, but we eventually returned downstairs, joining the already started party.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Viktor roared with laughter. Phichit smirked, very proud of himself. I covered my flushed face with my hands, totally embarrassed.

Phichit had been talking seriously about telling Viktor shameful stories of my college years. And both of them were really enjoying it, but, obviously, I wasn’t.

“Do you want to hear another one?” Phichit said when Viktor’s laughter lowered to a faint giggle.

“Oh, yes!”

“ _Vitya_!” I grunted.

He ignored me and Phichit sat straighter, clearing his throat, ready to torture me again. He interlaced his hands over the table, giving Viktor a mocking look.

“As you may know, Yuuri is a man of many talents. But, sometimes, he only shows them when his shyness dies down, or in other words, when he gets plastered.”

Phichit really enjoyed making fun of my drunk self, and maybe it was fueled by the fact that it was something that embarrassed me very much. Have friends for that.

“Every time I got drunk in college was your fault.” I said in my defense.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” he talked fast and returned to open his mouth to continue his relate.

Then, Chris appeared where we were sitting on and kneeled next to Phichit, placing his hand on his shoulder.

“Do you want to sing ‘What is love’ with me?” Chris asked.

Phichit’s eyes lighted up at the question.

There had been a karaoke going on since the sake and the beer had begun to make effect on the attendees. It seemed we had a couple of mics somewhere in the inn. They connected them and a laptop to the TV and put some instrumentals. In that moment Yuri and Otabek were singing some screechy song.

“Hell yeah!” he stood up and before leaving us alone he pointed at Viktor. “I’ll tell you later, I promise.”

“I hope so.” Viktor raised his glass to him.

The best men took over the karaoke, grabbing the mics and starting to screech. The hilarious image of those two singing that bad made me laugh openly and forget my embarrassment.

I turned my head to Viktor when I heard him sigh. He wasn’t looking at our friends. He was smiling softly, gazing at me through his silvery eyelashes with contentment.

“You’re missing the show.” I grinned.

“I don’t care. Your happy expression is better to look at.”

“That’s cheesy.”

“I’m allowed to be cheesy today, don’t you think?”

“You are every day actually.”

Viktor shrugged his shoulders vaguely.

“Well, you make me the luckiest man every day. I can’t help it.”

“I’m sorry but I totally disagree. I’m luckier man than you.”

“No.” he shook his head. “I won’t take that.”

“It’s the majority opinion, sorry.”

“As if I cared about that...” Viktor huffed, blowing his bangs out of his face. “I never did and I’m not going to start to do so now. I’m the luckiest man alive for marrying you and whoever that disagrees can fight me.”

“Cut it out!” Yuri yelled from the table in front of us. “You two are giving me indigestion!”

“Sure!” Viktor snickered, looking at him directly. “That’s why I’ve seen you sobbing at the ceremony, because we were giving you stomachache?”

Yuri got a little red and pressed his lips, irate at Viktor’s mocking him.

“I wasn’t sobbing, you disgusting old man!” he shouted before turning to mutter something to Otabek, who was smiling discreetly against his glass of beer.

Viktor continued his teasing and called Yuri ‘kitten’, triggering a wild amount of Russian yelling from Yuri.

I just stared, a slight smile on my lips and laughing if I caught some of the curses Yuri was spouting.

Eventually the song in the background died and Phichit came back, panting a little, mic still in his hand. Viktor and I returned our attention to him.

“As I was saying…” he panted, but carried on. “This happened three years ago, during Christmas. We hadn’t any competition near, but we weren’t going home for vacation anyway. So, to celebrate, we went to a party the fraternity house of one of our rink mates.”

“I can’t believe it.” I said under my breath.

I understood right away what he was trying to do, why he’d chosen that story and why he had taken the mic to the table with him. He was setting me a trap.

“I know what you are trying to do. It’s not going to work.”

“It’s yet to be seen.”

Viktor was glancing at us with confusion. I took a sip of my glass, wetting my throat, already preparing myself for what it was about to come. I hoped I hadn’t have to do anything, but, even if I said Phichit’s tricks wouldn’t work, inside I knew they would.

“Well, so everything was fun and right at the party until I lost Yuuri.” Phichit continued. “I was worried because you already know how Yuuri gets when drunk and the house was full of untrustworthy people. I searched him all over the house and outside it, in the yards, but he was gone.”

I didn’t remember a single thing about that night, to be honest. All I knew about it was what Phichit had told me. And it wasn’t a night to be proud of.

“I was about to call the police or something, but first I decided do give another look around the rooms. And, where I find Yuuri? In the hall, standing on a table, singing with all his might the song playing in the karaoke, making a live show.”

Viktor looked amused at the story, listening to Phichit attentively. Having a best friend who really likes to embarrass you and a husband that wants to know every second of your life that he hadn’t been present was the definitive explosive combination.

 _A husband_.

It felt so strange to think of Viktor as my husband, but so good at the same time. I would become used to it quickly. I had no doubt of that.

“Everybody was asking him to sing, one song after another. I had to practically kidnap him from the people the house when the party ended. After that some of them had impure intentions and we couldn’t stay longer inside that house.”

Getting me into trouble and taking me out of them were two things Phichit was equally experienced at.  

“What I’m trying to say is… There was a reason because they were asking him to keep singing… Aside of his overflowing sex appeal, of course. And I assume that if you haven’t presumed it yet it’s because you never have heard Yuuri sing.”

“No.” Viktor furrowed, gazing at me now. “I haven’t.”

“Well, then,” Phichit handed me the mic through the table, making a suggestive brows movement. “I think it’s time to fix that.”

I knew it. He wouldn’t be content just by telling Viktor. He wanted me to make a demonstration too.

I grabbed the mic, sighing, feeling Viktor’s questioning eyes following every one of my movements. If I hadn’t had enough drink by then I wouldn’t have agreed so easily to do that.

“You better chose right.” I warned.

Phichit screeched of excitement and jumped through the table to hug me.

“That’s my Yuuri!”

He stood up quickly, going straight to the laptop. I gave Viktor a shy smile, kissed his cheek, and walked to there too.

Minako, the Nishigori’s and Mari were on the table nearest the TV, and, when they saw me wandering around there with Phichit and the mic on my hand, they asked if I was going to sing. At my positive answer, they started to whistle and yell their encouragements.

Phichit switched the mic on and then played the music. When the music started I guffawed.

I couldn’t believe he had chosen _[that](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)_.

“Seriously? _This_?”

“You ace it.”

I rolled my eyes.

I never made the most of my voice really. I always had known it was there, but I never wanted to be something more than a private thing. I had been told a lot that I should use it professionally, that I could do so, but I didn’t like to sing in front of persons who weren’t close to me and skating was the only thing I wanted to work on. What happened at that party was exceptional and I didn’t even remember it. It was still hard even if the listeners were family or friends. That’s why I hadn’t singed in front of Viktor before. But that day was special, and I had enough beer to go through a song. In comparison Phichit’s storytelling, singing a bit was nothing. Besides, I wanted to see Viktor’s reaction.

The very moment I started to sing, Viktor’s eyes went wide and his mouth fell open. I smirked and winked to him, feeling a sudden increase of confidence at the sight of this.

Everybody in the room eventually cheered up too, adding themselves to the encourage yelling, Phichit joining me a little after.

When the song ended, Phichit hugged me and I got a few surprised statements at my hidden gift before I could return to my table.

Viktor was all flushed and flustered when I sat right beside him again. I still had the smirk drawn in my face unavoidably, his expression too pleasant for me to change my expression.

Suddenly, Viktor jumped on me, making the two of us fall to the floor, and gave me a fierce kiss. When he pulled back, his pupils were blown and his cheeks impossibly red.

“You never stop to surprise me.”

I smiled fondly, and regardless of what Viktor had said, I knew I was the luckiest man alive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Is this necessary?”

“Yep.”

“I’m afraid they are not going to let me board like this.”

“I’ll explain then.”

“I’ll enjoy seeing you try.”

“Well, technically, you won’t _see_ it.”

Right. The blindfold he was tying on the back on my head wouldn’t let me see anything.

I could feel people looking at us standing there, Viktor blindfolding me, in front of the airport.

“We’ll be there in a matter of hours. You can tell me where are we going by now.”

“I’ve told you. I want it to be a surprise.”

“That’s pretty complicated when they’ll say it like thousand times in the plane.”

“I have that covered. There’s a thing called earplugs, you know?”

“You can’t be serious.” I snickered. “How many of my senses are you going to incapacitate?”

It wasn’t like all that bothered me. In fact, it was pretty amusing, and I was happy to oblige to whatever he wanted me to do.

“These two are enough, I think.”

“Lucky for me!” I laughed sarcastically.

He turned me around, making me face him. Moving when I couldn’t see anything was a weird sensation.

“You’re taking this too far.”

“I want it to be perfect.”

“Anywhere is going to be perfect with you.”

The grip of his fingers in my arm tightened a little, giving me the suspicion that he was probably blushing.

“Vitya? You okay?” I said mockingly after a few seconds of silence.

He hummed in response. His hands cupped my face, pulling me gently to a brief kiss.

“Ready?” he whispered.

“I’ve never been more ready in my life.”

Viktor laughed at that, a hint of shyness in his voice. Then, he held my hand and we both got inside the airport, setting out to our honeymoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there's only one chapter left. 
> 
> This week I'm starting college again and I'll have less time to write. Anyhow, I'll post the final chapter on 23/09.  
> This same day I'll post the fist one of the next work of this series, which I started to write a while ago because I knew the posting dates would coincide with the beginning of the school year.
> 
> The work is going to be called **Under The Light of Morning Suns**. 
> 
> As I said before is going to be Viktor's point of view of his relationship with Yuuri since the very beggining, and this first chapter will touch what happened in his early twenties (ahem, Iván) and how he developed his depression. 
> 
> Besides, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! <3 *sorry not sorry about the rick roll*
> 
> For anything, I'm on [tumblr](http://nuriaschnee.tumblr.com/) too!
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


	10. You gave all you had (and now I am whole)

After almost sixteen hours we arrived to our mysterious destination.

“Welcome to Bora Bora!” Viktor exclaimed happily, turning around to look at me after we got off the plane and stepped on solid ground, opening his arms as if he wanted to frame the whole island between them.

Somehow Viktor managed to keep the secret until we landed. He had thought in everything that could reveal the secret, and maintained my ears and eyes blocked when it had been necessary.

But he hadn’t been able to hide all from me. The layover we made in Tokyo and the little plane we took were the proof of where we were going to wasn’t a common place. If he had planned to take me to Europe or the Caribbean we’d have taken a direct fly from the Fukoka airport, without any layovers.

Even so, I never expected that.

For a few seconds I stayed motionless, assimilating where I was, invaded by the salty scent of the ocean and the warm temperature. Then, my lips curved up in a grin.

“You’re amazing.” I had no words really. I didn’t know what to say.

Viktor smiled too, seeming pleased and thrilled all at once, and grabbed my hand.

“This is just the beginning.”

He dragged me to inside the airport to pick up our luggage. Afterwards, we left the building and went to its small port. Viktor started to look around there until he approached a man standing in the gangway in front of a boat, asking something to him in French. I stood there, looking at Viktor fluently talk with the man without having a clue of what neither of them were saying. Eventually, Viktor glanced at me while the man lifted our suitcases and put them into the boat.

“He’s taking us to the other side of the island.” he explained.

In ten minutes we were disembarking, thanking the man and heading to the reception of the hotel.

The sight was breathtaking. There was a row of huts by the coastline, above the water, and mountains lightly touched by the moonlight in the background. They were directly connected with the hotel, and I knew right away where we were staying. 

The reception was nothing like I had ever seen. There were no walls. It was totally exposed to the abundant nature surrendering the building, just covered by a thatched roof held with beams and wooden pillars. We walked in, going straight to the receptionist’s table. Viktor talked with the girl there while I was engrossed glancing up to the ceiling, gingery lights illuminating the infrastructure, giving the place a cozy look.

Soon after, I heard a tinkling and a _merci_. I dropped my eyes to my husband instantly, noticing he had a key in his hand and a genuine smile on his lips.

“Let’s go. I’m itching for you to see our room.”

While we walked to the bungalows I calculated mentally how much all that could’ve costed him. Two weeks in that resort couldn’t be cheap; that excluding the flight and what he was probably going to spend there too.

My gift started to seem really silly in comparison.

He stopped in the end of the gangway, right by the door of the bungalow at the right, which seemed a miniature of the reception but with walls. He opened it, switched on the lights and turned to me, grabbing both suitcases.

“All yours.” he said, making an inviting gesture with his head.

At this, I stepped inside hesitantly, a knot formed on the tip of my stomach.

“What the…” I gasped, out of words outright.

Before my eyes there was a huge room, fancy but, just as the reception, it had wooden furniture and floor and faint lights. Next to the door there was a sofa set into the wall, before it a coffee table with a box on it and a plasma TV two meters from those. But what really attracted my attention was the white huge king-size bed at the back of the room.

I approached it, passing my fingers above the soft sheets. Something in that texture evoked the expectation I had been unconsciously carrying since we left Hasetsu. 

The sound of two suitcases being dropped got me out of it. I raised my gaze to Viktor, who seemed a little flustered.

“The bathroom is behind.” he muttered and cleared his throat.

I nodded, moving my feet again, crossing the threshold right by the bed. I groped for the switch. When I found it I got to see the bathroom. I stared at the giant bathtub and the mirror by its side, reflecting the image of a fish with wings engraved in the wall separating the adjacent room. At the left there were a shower and two sinks. I wasn’t too interested in how the bathroom looked like at that very moment, really.

I took a moment to inhale deeply before returning where Viktor was. He was standing in the middle of the room, facing the sliding glass doors that gave access to little sundeck with a couple of deck chairs and stairs to get into the water.

“What do you think?” Viktor uttered when I returned and walked to him, with a pinch of nerves noticeable in his words. “Do you like it?”

Taking my hands to his nape, putting our bodies closer, I smiled fondly.

“It’s perfect. Thank you.”

He sighed, seeming to relax a bit, content drawn on his expression.

“I’m glad.”

Viktor looked me in the eye, taking his gently fingers to my back, fluster again in his expression, in the way his pupils shrunk and he pressed his lips in a thin line.

“What do you want to do?” he almost whispered. “Are you tired? It’s pretty late.”

I shook my head.

“I’ve slept enough in the plane. Are you?”

“No.”

I turned my head to the doors, an idea crossing my mind right away.

“What about a dip?”

“A dip?” he babbled, startled. “Now?”

“Yep.”

I let him go, walking towards the doors to open them and let the marine breeze invade the room. After that I gave him a sly look and I took my shirt off, leaving it on the floor.

“What are you doing?” he gasped when I unzipped my pants.

“Can’t you tell?”

“But” Viktor blushed, his cheeks turning burning red. “ _like this_?”

“I don’t feel like rummaging into my suitcase now.”

“What if somebody sees us?”

“It’s almost four in the morning. Everybody should be asleep by now.”

Repressing laughing at his perplexity, I got totally undressed and stepped out the room, turning once more to him.

A single word came out of his mouth. He just glanced at me, wide-eyed and lips parted.

“I’ll be waiting for you if you decide to come.” I snickered.

Once I put my bare foot in the sundeck’s wooden parquet I got instantly caught by the feeling of the air against my body and the warmness mixed with the sea chillness, a genuine sensation of freedom shaking every cell of my being. I welcomed it, closing my eyes and breathing the salted scent, then going down by the steps to the lower platform that gave access to the water. I ignored the staircases there, just jumping into the sea.

For a second all was the cool dampness, the bubbling echoing inside my eardrums, the sand touching my toes, my legs pushing myself up. When I emerged and gasped for air I felt everything tinging with the thrill my chest was harboring, turning even more beautiful.

And I knew I was in paradise for real when I took my hair off my eyes and caught sight of my beautiful husband descending the staircases, getting into the water and approaching me.

“You’re going to get us kicked out for public scandal.” he smiled, nervousness and incredulity in his tone. “When did you become so bold? I didn’t teach you this.”

“Sure? If I ain’t wrong you climbed naked to the roof of the Ice Castle because you were jealous of a fish.”

He shrugged his shoulders, grunting a little, and I let myself laugh at the memory of Viktor stretching and yelling.

“Besides,” I smirked. “you don’t seem displeased at all.”

“Well, no.”

I stayed silent between the little waves, gazing at him covered by the silvery light of the moon.

Viktor seemed ethereal like that, his paleness shining as ivory, sky and oceans trapped in the color of his irises, serenity and love all over his features; nevertheless, he never had looked so human to me as in that very moment.

He raised his gaze to the dark firmament, contemplating the heavenly bodies like he never did so before.

“Look!” he gasped, bliss taking over his expression.

Following his petition I fixed my eyes on the canopy of stars above us, finding silent movement among the quietness of the starry night. A bunch of shooting stars started to fall, leaving a fleeting trace of light at their farewell, a momentary sight of beautifulness and splendor.

“Quick! Make a wish!” Viktor said, enchanted and totally engrossed in the spectacle.

At his words, I dropped my eyes, returning them to the man in front of me. He definitely had a wish, requested silently in the brief seconds he had his lids shut, biting his lower lips while doing so.

But, as for me, I realized right then I had no wish to make.

“What have you wished?” he said when he eventually opened his eyes, content.

I walked to him, since there was barely depth, approaching until I was at inches from his face.

“I already have all I’ve ever wanted.” I whispered, taking my hand to his cheek, caressing him with the back of my fingers.

There was no wish to make. Shooting stars weren’t needed. My wish had been materialized even before I came into the world, the day my star was born.

Maybe I didn’t found Viktor until I was twelve, and I didn’t got to reach him for long, but now I had him, lighting up the dark with his brightness, being the embodiment of everything my poor heart and soul could desire.

I moved our bodies closer, enclosing his neck with my arms. He gasped at the touch; I felt a shiver shaking me. Confident that the water would make me lighter, I jumped, his waist now wrapped by my legs. He took his hands to my thighs, holding me at the same time his features turned rosy.

In that position I could feel his heart racing on his chest and his sudden irregular breathing. He swallowed, pupils dilated, fingers dipping in my legs flesh at the grip of his hands tightening.

We hadn’t done anything since the night in Bangkok because Viktor thought that waiting would make our wedding night more special. I accepted, thinking it wouldn’t be too hard. In fact, it hadn’t been hard; it had been hell.

But now all the waiting was over. He was my husband now, I was his, and there weren’t more reasons to be a single centimeter apart.

I put my forehead against his, shutting my eyes, every part of me begging.

Viktor broke the short distance between our lips, kissing anxiously, kind of gentle however, but his need totally noticeable. I drowned in him, surrendered. My soft moans were huffed by his tongue when he licked inside my mouth. Then, he took his teeth to catch my lower lip between them, making a shiver run all over my body.

“Vitya, please,” I breathed out. “make love to me.”

He pulled away a little, looking at me through his eyelashes, eyes half shut, full of emotion, shining with a beautiful mixture of craving and love.

Viktor nodded slightly.

“Let’s come back inside.” he whispered, his voice already deep.

We had to take our hands away from each other to go up to the sundeck, but once we got there Viktor lifted me again, searching for my lips as if he couldn’t breath and they were oxygen. My fingers made their way up for his nape, arriving to his hair, griping on it, pulling his as close as possible.

He broke the kiss, starting to walk into the room, going straight to the bed. Meanwhile I maintained my mouth occupied, which felt empty at the lack of his rough need, passing my tongue near his earlobe and placing little kisses in his soft neck. I stole a few grunts from Viktor, he seeming to hurry even more.

When he got to one of the bed sides he dropped me gently on the mattress, over the pillows, joining me straight away, placing the hands at the sides of my head, supporting his weight.

I laid there looking at him from above, already breathless, he beautifully wrecked by the desire. The water droplets fell down by the curves of his shoulders, caressing his arms muscles. I passed my fingertips by there, drying the drops, gently touching his delightful pale skin. Once I arrived to his back I pushed him down to me, craving to feel his body pressed against mine.

Obliging, he backed his weight on his forearms, lowering his position until he rested on me, our hips touching, bellies gluing, chests harboring the same uncontrolled heartbeats. 

Viktor caressed my cheeks with his thumbs, his eyes dampening while glancing at me. I could feel the coolness of his ring near my jaw, warming up at the increasing of my temperature. I closed my eyes, turning my head a little to kiss the inside of his palm, returning my gaze to his straight away.

Now the rush we were feeling a few instants ago had totally disappeared. We had no hurry, no alarms, and no obligations more than making love to each other until the morning came and maybe beyond.

We really had come a long way to get there. Viktor and I had gone through a lot together, good times as well as bad, some ones endeared us and others almost torn us apart, but in the end we eluded all the obstacles, reaching and finding us again and again, now willing to not let go even if just for a second. I would love Viktor until my heart stopped and probably after that too, and I wanted to convey that feeling yet again in that very moment.

I smiled softly at how wonderful his touched expression was, giving him a sweet kiss, which heated up quickly. Viktor’s hands left my face, going down my body, stopping on my hips where he clung on, lips of his passing from my mouth to my jaw, sucking and licking the skin they found in their way down to my chest. He licked my nipple once, then blowing the wetness his tongue had left there, making me squirm at the sensation. Every inch of my being became so warm I thought I was about to burst in flames. Next, he teased it biting softly, just moving lower after stealing a few moans of my cracked voice.

Viktor, being painfully slow, got closer to my cock. A full-body shiver of desperation forced me to take my hands out of his hair, not wanting to hurt him, gripping on the sheets instead with all the strength my trembling fingers had. He snorted a faint laugh at this, arriving to the base of my cock finally.

He passed his tongue by all the length of it, pace as sluggish as before. I uttered a cry, desperate for something more, anything; I didn’t care. I just couldn’t handle that; I needed him.

Placing himself between my legs, he lowered more, continuing with the teasing, taking his kissing to my tights, knees and then shins.

My eyes had close at some point, the sight of Viktor going over me along with his touch being too much. But, suddenly, he stopped, and I, confused at his abrupt motionless, opened them. There, kneeled before me, he looked like light imposing over the darkness, ambrosia to the senses, harboring all the heaven, sky, Earth and the whole cosmos along together inside his slender body.

I sat on the bed, our gazes now at the same level. Something was off in his expression, a strange hint of an indecipherable emotion there. I raised my hand to cup his cheek, worried.

At my gesture, he seemed a little bewildered, as if he just had woken up of a long night of sleep.

“Is something wrong?” I muttered with my tone as soft as my excitement let me.

Viktor features painted in realization. He shook his head lightly, taking his palm to the hand I had on his face, sterling rings now touching, smiling a bit awkwardly.

“No. I’m just…” he started explaining himself, snickering, but didn’t finish.

He laughed, shutting his lids for a brief moment, his embarrassment changing to fondness.

“It’s just that you…” he took a moment before continuing, obviously searching for the right word.

A smirk appeared on him and right after, and out of the blue, he leaped on me, both of us falling to the mattress again, I trapped in his arms. Viktor had a genuine smile on his face, staring at the startle I had for sure written in my expression.

“You’re drop-dead gorgeous like this. I had forgotten a little.”

“Oh.”

I was relieved that that was the reason why he had stopped, but the fact that he got so engrossed by my appearance was the last thing I needed for my brain to strike.

He chucked, brushing his nose against mine, tender and clearly enjoying the blush he triggered all over my features.

“I should resume what I was doing before you paralyzed me with your breathtaking handsomeness, don’t you think?” he teased. “Well, if that’s what you want.”

I made some sort of grunt, which was supposed to be an affirmation but sounded like I was chocking.

This time Viktor laughed louder, his guffaw filling my eardrums, they receiving it as if it was heavenly choir.

“What was that?”

Ashamed of the grunt I had made, I turned my face to a side, hiding it in the fluffiness of the pillow. Nevertheless, he grabbed my chin, lenity overflowing from him, making me look at his eyes.

Viktor broke the few centimeters separating us, not commenting anything else, kissing me and grinning while doing so. He eventually moved to my ear, catching it between his teeth, sending another wave of shivers through my system.

“I’m going to make you feel really good.” he whispered, his hot breath caressing my ear. “Just like you deserve.”

He went down once more, leaving the teasing, stroking me a few times before taking me in his mouth. Slowly, he traced circles around the tip of my cock with his tongue, lowering until he took it whole. At first the pace was lazy, gentle, but it fastened gradually, his lips putting more pressure, tightening around me.

I started to feel dizzy, crawling sensation invading every one of my atoms, muscles shaking uncontrollably. My voice cracked, turning into a broken shouting. Trying to not lose myself, I held onto the pillows as firmly as I could, but my fingers were weak, and all my strength was leaving my body at the touch of my husband.

And then he slowed the pace, focusing on sucking the tip. After a last sharp cry, my grunts and moans died down, air lacking in my lungs, motor skills failing. I felt my release near; however, I couldn’t do anything else but tremble, melted by the pleasure.

Soon after, I came. My throat didn’t spout a sound. I didn’t move. I just stayed still, gasping, gazing up to the ceiling, now blurred.

I barely noticed him crawling up to me, just realizing it when I had his face above mine. His eyes were damp and with lips swollen, self-satisfaction he had dying a little at looking at me.

“Yuuri?”

“Hmm?”

I focused on his silvery locks falling above me, then on his eyes, my vision returning to normal little by little.

“Was that good?” he muttered.

“ _I’m a gelatin_.” I panted, giggling, not thinking if that was a proper answer or not.

“I suppose that’s a ‘yes’.”

A nod was all I could give to him by then. Once the tickling and the dizziness started to disappear, I noticed how dry my mouth was.

“I think I need to drink something.”

“Oh, fine. Wait.”

Viktor stood up quickly. I heard him unwrapping something, so I sat on the mattress, but when I got to do so he was back already. He handed me one of the two flutes of champagne he had and left a tray with strawberries on the nightstand.

I furrowed, pleased by the sight, but confused all the same.

“Where have you gotten this?”

He titled his head, beaming.

“I asked for it to be left here before we arrived when I made the reservation.”

I glanced above his shoulder, catching the sight of the coffee table box open, realizing that those things were inside it. Viktor had thought in everything, for real.

Approaching the flute to my lips, I took a few sips, the bubbling drink feeling delightful. He drank too from his own glass, eyes on me.

When I finished the flute’s content he left them right by the tray.

“Do you want some?” he said, referring to the strawberries.

“Yes.”

He grabbed one, taking it between his teeth, and put himself closer to me, giving me a suggestive look, clearly wanting me to take the strawberry from there. I snickered, but humored him, biting the fruit from his mouth.

After that, he seemed pleased, content, and suddenly I had changed my mind.  

Once I swallowed the strawberry I placed a hand on his nape, approaching him for a proper kiss, and the other one on his thigh, softly caressing, going up to his hip. Slowly, gently, I took my fingers to his cock, starting to stroke him. Viktor moaned, pulling away from the kiss, enough to see me.

“I want you to feel good too.”

He whimpered, hiding his face on my neck, biting my skin, muffling his voice.

“I want to ride you.” I muttered in his ear. “Is that okay?”

Every part of his body tensed up, a groan escaping from his throat, he taking his teeth away from me and pressing his forehead under my jawline.

“Yes.” he babbled barely.

I let him go and we laid on the bed. Viktor slid his hand under the pillows, taking a bottle of lube from there. At first I was confused, but when I realized what a lube was doing under the pillows I started laughing.

“Have you left it there before?”

Blushing, he dropped his gaze to the mattress for a second.

“Maybe.”

Chuckling, I pulled him to me for a kiss, caressing his hair, feeling so happy I thought I was going to explode.

“You’re something else, Vitya.” I whispered, smiling.

He stayed quiet for a moment, eyes wetting, before catching my lips in his passionately. Managing somehow to open the lube while doing so, he put some on his fingers and searched my entrance, pushing one finger inside right away, not even teasing first.

I didn’t know how I had survived a whole month without that feeling, Viktor’s fingers thrusting into me, curving and driving me crazy.

Viktor took it slow, probably wanting to do it right for me to not get hurt, but my impatience was huge, and at some point I got his hand out of me, turning to him and kneeling on the bed with him between my legs. He seemed boggled, but turned on all the same.

Pressing his lips, swallowing, he relaxed, backing himself on the pillows. I leaned over to give him a kiss on his forehead, another on his nose, and a last one on his mouth.

His eyes were full of emotion, love overflowing, mixing with the need. I grabbed the lube, putting some on my hand, spreading it in his cock, he twisting and moaning lightly at the touch. Then, I straightened my position.

I gave him a questioning look, Viktor nodding in response.

Going down slowly, I pushed his cock inside me, sitting on his lap. I held myself in his waist, feeling so good I could faint. Breathing deep, eyes closed, I started to rock my hips. Viktor loudly moaned because of it, making an electric cramp ran all over my belly. Encouraged, I kept up a fast pace, needing Viktor to do more of that sounds, to scream my name until his voice cracked by the pleasure.

He pulled me down desperately, kissing, panting, biting my neck and shoulder how he could, moaning, fingers grabbing my hair tightly.

“ _Yuuri_.” he cried. “Don’t stop. Please. _Don’t_ …”

His hands changed his position, running down my back to my hips, grabbing them roughly, nails pounding on my skin.

Viktor started to thrust his hips too, closing his eyes and tilting his head back on the pillows. I bended down, sucking on his neck, feeling him throb inside me at that very moment, about to come already.

I noticed one of his hands letting my hip go, going for my cock. Straight away, I stopped him, grabbing his waist and taking it to rest on the pillow, interlacing my fingers with his. Viktor furrowed, grunting.

“I want you to…” he panted, cut off by a moan before finishing.

“Don’t worry about it.”

A few thrusts after Viktor came with a high-pitched cry, teary and gasping my name. He hugged me, pulling me closer. I, laying on his body, caressed the skin of his shoulders while we tried to breath normally again.

Eventually, he rolled, changing our position, now I being under him. He smirked, giving me a provocative look.

“My turn now.”

I laughed, getting out of my astonishment, delighted to surrender to Viktor once more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We stayed still for a while, submerged in the afterglow, giving each other lazy kisses and caresses. I was so content and warm in Viktor’s arms that I didn’t know if my body was able to resist that huge amount of happiness at the same time.

Viktor had given me the most wonderful gift: a honeymoon in such paradisiac place to enjoy with him right by my side. And now it was the perfect moment to return his gift.

“Vitya.”

“Yes, love?”

“Do you remember the night you took me to the beach in Hasetsu?”

“Of course.”

“And do you remember what you told me about how you wished you had known me sooner and had been part of the most important moments in my life?”

He was silent for a moment.

“Yes. Why?” he asked, suspicious.

I backed on my forearm, looking at him, not being able to repress my smile anymore.

“I have a gift for you.”

“What?” his eyelashes fluttered, surprise filling his expression.

“I knew you were going to do something big for our honeymoon, and I wanted to give something to you too.”

When he had processed my words he furrowed a little.

“You didn’t have to. You’re the only thing I want.”

“I know.” I smirked.

I got out of the bed, going for a bath robe at the bathroom and returning to the room to search in my suitcase. Found the gift, I came back to Viktor, sitting by his side. I handed him the flat case, wrapped in a fancy maroon paper.

Viktor grabbed it with care, glancing at it like he had an ingot between his hands, still confused anyway.

“Open it.” I said, a little nervous.

He unwrapped it, finding the case under the paper, which contained something I hoped he would like once he discovered what it was.

“A CD?” he muttered with confusion.

I left him read what was written on it before talking again.

“You have to see it. There’s a DVD here, but if you prefer to wait to be back at home…”

“No. I want to see it now.”

Pleased, I smiled softly. I really was looking forward to see his reaction. Prepare that took me countless nights slipping out of the bed and working on my laptop in hidden, as well as making Phichit, Mari and Yuuko do lot of search and rummaging.

I turned on the DVD while Viktor went for another bath robe for him. Then, he kneeled on the floor next to me.

“Ready?”

“ _Da_.” he nodded.

Said this, I pressed the remote’s play button, the video starting.

My mother appeared on the screen, a lot younger, sitting on a chair, caressing tenderly her huge belly, smiling with an overflowing happiness. The image quality wasn’t very good, but cameras on the eighties and VHS weren’t the best in regard to that.

‘ _Mama, mama!_ ’ the voice of my sister sounded in the background, and she appeared in the scene right away, jumping right by the chair. ‘ _Is a boy? Is a girl? Tell me, mama!_ ’

I had put subtitles in the parts where everybody was talking in Japanese, for Viktor to understand.

‘ _Calm down, sweetie._ ’ my father said behind the camera.

‘ _But I need to know, papa!_ ’ she furrowed, turning to him and then to my mother again. ‘ _Tell me, mama! Tell me!_ ’

My mother laughed, cupping my sister’s cheek.

‘ _It’s a boy. You’re going to have a little brother._ ’

‘ _Yes!_ ’ she screamed in joy, raising his arms and then bending to put his ear on my mother’s belly. ‘ _I’m going to be the best sis in the world! I promise!_ ’

The image changed, showing my mother in the hospital’s robe with a newborn and reddish me in her arms.

‘ _Welcome to the world, Yuuri_.’ my father said emotively.

My mother caressed my little face.

‘ _Mama, can I hold him?_ ’ Mari approached the bed.

‘ _Yes, but be careful._ ’

Once my mother put me in Mari’s arms she looked down at me for a few seconds, not saying anything or doing any kind of reaction, and suddenly she started sobbing.

‘ _Hi, Yuuri. Hi._ ’ she cried, swaying me.

The following scenes were me talking for the first time, taking my first steps, my first birthdays and me when I started dancing ballet with Minako. Unfortunately I didn’t find the first time I stepped on the ice, but I found ones more interesting.

Yuuko got a camera for her fourteenth birthday, and she started to film everything. And everything means everything. So she used to take it to the Ice Castle.

‘ _Yuuri! It’s Viktor’s turn! Hurry!_ ’ Yuuko screamed, filming the old TV where we used to see the competitions on the Ice Castle.

‘ _What? Now?_ ’ I grunted. The video didn’t show it, but I remember I was untying my skates when she was filming that.

‘ _Yes! Hurry! Come on!_ ’

After that it sounded some noises, a thud and a gasp from Yuuko. I had stumbled and fallen to the floor.

‘ _Yuuri! Are you alright? Have you hurt yourself?_ ’

‘ _No. I’m fine_.’ I remember almost dragging to the bench and sitting there.

‘ _Look! It’s Viktor! Oh my god, he’s so awesome._ ’

Yuuko filmed Viktor’s routine while we made comments about it. When it ended Yuuko turned the camera to me. I was covering my mouth and nose with my hands, totally amazed.

Following there were videos of my first competitions, random family films about me with Vicchan or celebrations, my graduation from high school and the day I left Hasetsu to move out to Detroit.

Having lived with Phichit, who had his mobile as an exoskeleton, meant he had plenty of videos of those years.

‘ _And I will always love you!_ ’ Phichit singed, filming me while putting a poster of Viktor in my room’s wall. ‘ _I will always love you!_ ’

‘ _Stop it!_ ’ I approached him, trying to block the camera of his mobile.

‘ _You, my darling, you!_ ’ he continued.

‘ _Phichit I swear I’m going to chuck your phone someday._ ’

‘ _You wouldn’t dare._ ’

‘ _Try me._ ’

‘ _If you touch my mobile I’m not going to help you to marry the man in that poster._ ’

‘ _As if that could happen._ ’  

When Phichit sent me that video I had to laugh.

The next one was silent, Phichit approaching me when I was sitting on my desk, totally asleep over some papers. Phichit started to put things on my head, making a pile. Eventually, it fell, awakening me, my cheek stained with the ink of my notes, having an expression of total disorientation.

Some videos of college followed, including a lot of daily life and falling while training, getting ready for competitions and stressing and drinking a lot of coffee.

The last one was the one I had more recent in my memory. I could remember perfectly how I was feeling.

Phichit and I were outside the airport. I was about to leave for the Grand Prix final in Sochi. The cold was tough. I was wearing my black hat and scarf, but my face was red anyway.

‘ _So what are your thoughts before leaving?_ ’ Phichit said.

‘ _Is this necessary?_ ’

‘ _Of course! I have to document everything! You’re going to be in the podium, I’m sure!_ ’

‘ _Well, that’s…_ ’

‘ _Nope! You have to be positive, man! You’re going to slay it! And you’re going to skate on the same ice as Viktor!_ ’

A little smile appeared on my lips.

‘ _Right._ ’ I muttered.

‘ _Maybe this is the beginning of something great. Maybe he falls in love with you._ ’

‘ _Don’t be silly._ ’ my face reddened.

‘ _Everything is possible. Who knows?_ ’

The screen turned black, and the silence fell on the room.

And then, a sniff and a sob broke it.

I turned to Viktor immediately. He had taken his hands to his face, covering it.

He was crying.

I was expecting for him to get emotional, but not that much.

“I wanted to give you” I hugged him, pulling him to me, caressing his hair. “all the important moments in my life, but it’s not true that you hadn’t been part of them. You’ve been present in most of them.”

He cried harder, returning me the hug and hiding his face in my neck.

“I love you, Yuuri. I love you so much. Thank you.”

I pressed my cheek against his hair, smiling.

“I love you too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My hair was a real mess and my neck had a pattern of red marks.

When I had woken up that morning I deiced to take a shower. Viktor was in the room, ordering something for breakfast.

While untangling my hair I started to remember everything that had happened in the wedding, and before I could submerge myself in the memories of the ceremony I got stuck in something that had happened before.

The last two days had been so busy I didn’t stop to think about it.

The conversation I had with my sister before Phichit had interrupted us really bugged me.

Did I want to have kids?  

It wasn’t an unpleasant thought, having a family with Viktor at some point in the future. Not for me at least.

In fact, as more I imagined it, surer I was about I wanted something like that.

But I was ignorant to what he thought about that, and it bothered me. Not that it was something really relevant at that moment, but it was about our future, and it felt important for me somehow.

The only solution was asking.

I stayed in the bathroom a little bit more, thinking of how address the issue. When I got out I wasn’t totally sure about how to make him such a question.

He was sitting on the sofa, reading, raising his eyes to me at the very moment I got closer to there.

Viktor smiled when I sat with him.

“The food will be here soon.” he said.

“Great.”

I pressed my lips in a thin line. I had to talk before he noticed how much I was struggling.

“Vitya, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

A deep breath.

There was nothing to lose.

“Have you thought about having children?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is!
> 
> It's been really fun to write this. It started as a way to improve my English and in the end it has become more than just that.
> 
> Maybe this last chapter and the first of the prequel had been the hardest to write. I've written the greater part of them in this twenty-four hours and the rest by hand in the public transport half asleep. So sorry if it's not totally well. 
> 
> Here's the first chapter of the [sequel](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12171828/chapters/27627765). 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked it this last chapter! Thank y'all that left kudos and comments, and those who hasn't too; it really made me want to go on with this! <3
> 
> (Now I'm going to take a long sleep.)
> 
> For anything, I'm on [Tumblr](http://nuriaschnee.tumblr.com/) too!
> 
> Nuria Schnee, xx


End file.
